Bachelor 3/31--Spray Tan in a Can: The Further Adventures of the Dalai Lamas.

Can we stop pretending yet? Do any other girls in the hen house even matter as anything more than drama filler? Is Matt Grant English? I've forgotten. Other than a Union Jack hanging in one of the bedrooms and the producers insistence that the girls play rugby instead of football, this show is no different from any other with one exception. That exception is Shayne Lamas--an "F" list celebrity who looks and acts more like a porn star than an real actress.

But I suppose it doesn't matter. The Bachelor, hard to swallow in the best of times, is becoming damn near unwatchable. I couldn't tell you a total of five things about any other girl in the house (combined) besides the Dalai Lamas. I guess we just need to play out the string and see where this goes.

Where it starts is with the wingman holding court at the hen house and letting the women know what this week's dates look like. He announces a group date and two, one-on-one's. The first one-0n-one leads to us to Mann's Chinese Theater for a shameless plug of some chickflick starring "McDreamy" from Grey's Anatomy. The date box is supposed to be a film can I guess, but it actually looks like a garbage can, which in this case is probably delicious irony. An interlude shows the Dalai Lamas saying, "If he sends me home, I'll just die!" We can only hope. Grant however takes Holly, the Goldie Hawn look-a-like instead, and the two of them head off for a completely staged red carpet experience complete with fake paparazzi and a few stooge reporters the network ordered their affiliates to send.

They plant their hands in cement just like real celebrities and then watch the film alone in the cavernous theater. Almost immediately you start to get the 'Buddy-Vibe' from these two. Grant nudges her with his elbow that's faintly reminiscent of a Monty Python gag. Obediently she cried during the films romantic climax, and it makes me shudder at what horror Fleiss inflicted on her to get her bawling. The cement cast they made at the theater doesn't go to waste either. Fleiss ships it back to the hen house so the other women can curse and spew all over it. The Dalai Lamas does everything but piss on it. Bleh.

Grant then drags Holly over to a hotel and gives her the old, "Maybe we're too comfortable with each other" line. I didn't know there was a version of that in merry old England. She responds with some lame shit about writing children's books. Children's Books?! Whats the matter, couldn't they find a professional kidney donor? Anyway, despite the persistent friend buzz, Hot Lips Grant drags her into the hot tub and smooches her. It has all the heat of kissin' cousins. But since she was a good sport about it, he gets up off the rose.

A "Sexy" Game of Rugby

Rugby, sexy? Not exactly. It's about as sexy as badminton but the press releases kept telling us that and they brainwashed me. And they certainly found the most un-athletic group of women they could find for it too. All except Chelsea--more on that in a minute. They all practice first with some butch-looking British woman while Grant ogles their asses. Or should I say arses? No matter. Grant watches them practice and the women roll around in the mud like he promised them a 'fiver' in the their g-strings if they get muddy enough. He is also somehow impressed by Robin the Bobbin, who...er, does something or other. I couldn't tell what but Hot Lips was definitely impressed.

Anyway, the game starts and we get an immediate feel of how things went. Despite the editing trying to hide it, you get the feeling Chelsea scored at will. Ashlee, the singer songwriter who must weigh 85 lbs. actually had the temerity (or insanity) to try and tackle Chelsea in the open field and has the cleat marks in her scalp to prove it. Chelsea promptly trampled her. Argh!"She ran me over like some kind of dude!" That's exactly what it looked like too.

Meanwhile back at the hen house, Holly and the Dalai Lamas powwow and it turns out Shayne is just "dying to tan!" Retch. Anyway, Holly actually brought a tanning machine with her. Right. The damn thing's the size of a pressure washer and she just happened to bring it along, eh? After Shayne hears this she and Holly do some completely impromptu naked spray tanning with the Dalai Lamas peeling her clothes off like her stage name is actually Mona Lott. The only thing missing was the funky seventies music and a guest appearance by Ron Jeremy. By the time they're finished Shayne glows in the dark.

Meanwhile back at the rugby match, Marshana gets elbowed in her formidable chops and actually bleeds...sort of...a little. But the lack of blood doesn't halt the Bachelor drama. Grant acts like she needs stitches and Marshana acts like she's been decapitated. Chelsea rags her pretty good for being a wimp and I start to absolutely love her for it. Marshana sits on the sidelines trying to hog Grant's attention while wearing a ice pack on her huge lip bigger than the one in the arctic . In hindsight, I can't believe Fleiss didn't call an ambulance. Hehe, oh the cheese. Anyway Chelsea's team wins the match (surprise, surprise.)

Grant takes the women to "his" house as a reward for the efforts on the rugby pitch. Two Masseuses are waiting to give the girls a rubdown and give them an excuse to disrobe. Marshana, either reading off a cue card or demonstrating a room temperature I.Q. , informs us that she "likes Matt even more for getting us a masseuse." Zzzzz. Grant pops up in a one-on-one interview and proves his limeyness by sporting second degree burns on his face from February sunshine. Hahah, Malibu in July? This guy would make like a vampire and become ashes. He chooses 3 pack-a-day Kelly, already half-drunk, to go and get the first massage with him. Not content with oodles of dirty innuendo, she climbs atop him and give him some dirty rubbin'.

Chelsea, obviously expecting the rose, baits the girls into all but admitting she should get it. You get the feeling by the way they talk that she did look like Red Grange but now the producers decide the time has come to crown a queen bitch for the season. And that bitch is Shayne--but we aren't supposed to think that. It's actually Robin the Bobbin because she's Gasp! competitive! He gives the rose to Robin who must have scored a lot on the rugby pitch...or not. 3 pack-a-day, now slurring and looking like trailer trash, mumbles something derogatory about Robin. Chelsea says, "I think I deserved it." She did. Nice move producers.

Winery and a Bimbo.

Grant now moves to pick up the Dalai Lamas for her pole dancing lessons, I mean winery date and he arrives in someone else's Maserati to do it. Shayne, dressed like she's a member of ABBA, piles in to the car and off they go. Grant does his best to act coy about his true feelings for her but the guy ain't foolin' this pirate. The girl is hot--Grant knows it--she knows--and that's that! He corners her and forces her to admit that her dad is Lorenzo Lamas. She tells him, "You won't know who he is." Turns out, Grant didn't. Fleiss should have hired Billy Crystal to come floating in with the white wig and the snowy ascot going, "Shayne, dahling! You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous!" She talks about coming from multiple broken families and basically says she's not ready to get married yet. Grant says, "She's not just a beautiful actress. There's a lot more to her." Yeah, whatever. Under duress, she admits to being high-maintenance and then cops to having more shoes that Imelda Marcos. She's into,"cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses, and watches." Grant thinks she's joking. Idiot.

Back at the hen house, Bobbin yammers non-stop and apparently her irritating banter is enough to send Amanda over the edge and she gets the meeps. I wish they would show us something--anything!---about Amanda besides her hiccuping.


Shayne and Grant cuddle up at the winery and he slips her the rose. She treats him like he's Houdini because he stashed it behind a pillow. I can't figure out whether or not she's drunk again or just a moron. Don't suppose it matters anyway, she gives Grant a boner and that's all that does.

Rose Ceremony

Part two of the Robin is an asshole preview for next week. This weeks setup is to trample Robin down into small enough bits to show her as "the girl everyone hates." But before they get going destroying her character for her, Chelsea gets a pretty hot kiss and Noelle, (Yes!) sheds some tears and acts sweet and sane. (Get rid of her). Amy (Who?) has a few precious seconds with Grant before Robin steals him away--despite already having a rose. Three girls all storm out and snatch Grant away from Robin as next weeks set up gets firmly under way. All the girls jump on Robin and she says something nasty and Chelsea warns her she's going to "get smacked in the face." Gulp! I can practically see Robin's head rolling off her shoulders. Then Kristine talks with Grant. (Who!?) Is there a girl named Kristine on this show? Holly, who already has a rose as well, snatches Grant away but is never branded a bitch. That makes sense. Unless it doesn't.

The wingman arrives and clears the joint out and it's rose time:
1+2+3) Early roses: Holly, Shayne, Robin.

3) Madam Hiccup. And she doesn't meep.

4) Ashlee--rewarded for having Chelsea's foot print branded into her forehead.

5) 3pack-a-day. He likes his women loaded.

6) Chelsea. Damn straight!

7) Noelle--wish I knew something about her. She seemed really nice--two weeks ago.

Harrison consults his star charts and let's us know its the last rose of the night.

8) Marshana--the token lives on!

Cut: Amy (who?) , Erin the hotdog-vendor-dude, and Kristine (who?)

Exits this week have a few tears but they appear to be more about self-pity than any great sense of loss.

Next week: Robin gets crowned: Queen Bitch of the Universe! Argh!

Bachelor Recap 3/24--The Shayne Lamas Show!

Dumb 'ol me. I thought this was supposed to be a cheesy reality-dating show. I missed the part that said The Bachelor is now a pilot episode of The Exceedingly Tedious life of Shayne Lamas. It could also be a new show called Blonds Behaving Badly but I think there already one of those called Rock of Love. Personally, I watch this train wreck on the off chance that lightning may actually strike and a love match might occur. Nobody told me I was going to have to sit through Paris Hilton: The Early Years. Oh well, glad I caught up on all those limey phrases to prepare myself to watch a Malibu bleach blond strut around and throw pity parties. Hell, I can see that down at the local mall. So much for British phrases and apparently, so much for Matt Grant. He's practically an extra. But the show must go on. I guess.

Fashion Show:
This week opens with the wingman visiting the hen house to let the girls know the score for the week. There is two group dates with two early roses on the line. One group is destined for a fashion show and with the one hour time limit imposed by ABC we are whisked away to the limo where the British Leghorn is already in full dating mode. Accompanying him are: Erin H. (The dark-haired one), Amanda, Marshana , Kristine, Ashlee--the singer/songwriter, Begora! Michelle, Holly--The Goldie Hawn lookalike, Noelle, and Amanda--Madam Hiccup. The rooster leads his hens to a fashion show and tells them they're the show then stands there like a jackass and claps as they strut their stuff. The show is a snooze except for Ashlee, who for some odd reason is sporting hair like she's married to a televangelist, and Amanda, who removes her jacket to show Grant her non-existent chest. Zzzzzzzzzz.

The show over Grant leads them to an apartment where they're going to have a group orgy. Ok I lied about that but what the hell else is he supposed to do in a penthouse apartment with eight chicks? Nothing apparently. They have some individual conversations which should be really intimate with eight different girls in a 75 square foot room. Marshana is first to corner Matt and they have a talk about race. The Brits are reportedly cooler about interracial stuff than we are but we're cooler about using dentists than they are, so I guess it comes out in the wash. Anyway, Matt says all the PC crap you'd expect instead of the truth. Personally I can think of twenty-five black women I know who are betting looking than Marshana--starting with Halle Berry and working my way down to women I actually know. The trouble isn't that she's black, the trouble is she is damned unattractive. Nice forehead. Yeesh. Anyway, thanks to the Bachelor, race relations in America are cool for another night.

A quick cutaway and we're back at the hen house and the rest of the girls hear they are going to be going to Vegas for some gambling.

Then, back at the penthouse, in another instance of the musical theme of this season, Begora! Michelle sings a few lines to Matt. Her voice is ok but the song sounds like a five year-old wrote it. Gag. Then Ashlee, showing all the reticence evangelist wives are known for, snares Grant and sits on a bed with him in a small room off the main one. She then does everything but pin him to the bed. He finally kisses her but his body language says, "Yuck!" But then he shocks me by going and getting the rose and handing it over. "I gave her the rose because she was the most forward." Whoa, big fella, that's called chum in the water with this group. Ashlee then shows the restraint of a star athlete who's just scored the winning touchdown. She prances around like a six year old and does everything but ram the rose, thorns first, up the other girls' bottoms. Reticence indeed. Erin H. , who we've seen little of, slams Ashlee as a "young 22." She needs to hold on a moment. "Young 22" is about to be defined for her.

Vegas: Chelsea, Robin the Bobbin, Erin S.--Bruno, Kelly--Man voice, Holly--Goldie Hawn, Carrie, Amy, and Ta-Da! The Dalai Lamas! Yes, it's time for some drama. Shayne starts the outing by telling us that as far as Vegas, "She's been like, a thousand times!" How modest. You're not telling us that you've been raised with a ton of money are you, Dalai? I mean, I'm shocked. Turns out Shayne is going to be this seasons girl who can't deal with "the process". You know what I mean, the process of actually being on a show where she has to date one guy along with fifteen other girls. There's one of these every year and Shayne is this years winner. And after one whole-sorta-group date with one guy and a pile of other women she feels she needs "Time alone with Matt."

They start gambling at a roulette table and like an idiot with a lot of money and damn little sense, Shayne lays her whole bankroll on red. It comes up black and she's busted out right away. Learning from her lesson, Robin the Bobbin decides to play it safe--by not playing anything at all. That's exciting. Riveting T.V. Robin sits at the table with her thumb up her bum while others gamble. Kelly wins the most chips and gets Special Quality Time with Matt and shows off a three-pack-a-day voice. She slurs to us that Matt now knows she can hold her liquor. Hahah. She's bombed and sounds like Lucille Ball at eighty. Damn thats attractive!

Matt guides her back to the group where Shayne snatches him away and has a major meltdown. She accuses Matt of "keeping her as a fall back!" Spoken like someone who's used to calling the shots with guys. Grant, to his credit, slams her pretty good for her behavior and she acts contrite...until Matt turns his back. Then she locks herself in the bathroom and whines about "having feelings for Matt." It's been one and a half whole dates! She's been alone with Grant for probably thirty minutes and she's having feelings!? Never tell this girl was raised in Hollywood, eh? Anyway, she throws a poutfest and acts like a spoiled diva. And Erin and I thought Ashlee acted like a little kid.

Chelsea gets some private time with Matt and they have a nice talk and she talks about her great life but that she's lonely. It's a nice moment but if there's any chemistry between these two it escaped me. Matt seemed suitably impressed, however, and she gets the Vegas Rose.

Rose Ceremony:
The cocktail party starts with Bobbin and Matt sitting outside where they play some imaginary train game and he kisses her. The guy is racking up a pretty good total of smooches. And while he's recovering from the Bobbin, Marshana marches out and all but demands a kiss. Hey, it worked for Ashlee. Matt dances with her but never kisses her. He says, "The other girls were watching and I thought it would be inappropriate." Yeah, right. I guess that sounds better than, "I was mesmerized by her gigantic forehead and couldn't move!"

Carri, who last week earn the moniker of Bluto for eating a beer can sits with Matt and breaks out in some horrid opera singing. Don't get me wrong. Barbarossa thinks all opera singing is horrid but Carri sounds like she's giving birth to an ostrich, not singing. Had she stood up and left an egg behind it wouldn't have surprised me. Can-eating and opera singing--you can't say she's not eclectic.

Erin H. steps in and snarkily observes and that she needs to start singing if she hopes to get a rose. Hehheh. She deserves a rose just for that comment in my book.

At last we come to the Dalai Lamas who desperately apologizes for acting like a thirteen year-old in Vegas. Matt pops her about the acting and wonders if she's genuine. Shayne goes into recovery mode and the edit makes the whole thing sound like teen-diva surrenders to the Lord Grant. Hmm. Matt then privately confides that he isn't sure he can handle the "drama". But then our Leghorn makes the comment that might be his undoing--not just for the show but for the entire season--when he acknowledges that Shayne is "Out of my normal league." And there you have it faithful reader. Matt is thinking with his head all right. But its the smaller version. As a matter of fact, this thing may be over right now. The other girls...well there are a few who are attractive, and none of them are really ugly, but...there's a grand canyon divide in looks between Shayne and the others. We'll see.

The wingman makes his usual entrance and drags Matt away. The ceremony begins and the roses go to:
1--2) Ashlee and Chelsea. Then

3) Bobbin--The un-gambler knew when to hold 'em and when to play Vivaldi on the piano. I might have hope for her if the press release for next weeks show didn't call her, "The girl all the other girls love to hate!" Look out!

4) Holly--Goldie Hawn gets a rose but we barely saw her.

5) Erin S.--Transvestites unite! Like I said last week, she seems nice as hell--ain't that a bitch?

6) Amanda--Madam Hiccup tells us she calls her stress hiccups "The Meeps" then promptly "meeps" the second he calls her name. Hard to imagine waking up next to that every morning. Besides, where was her story this week?

7) Kelly--Chain-smoking drunks unite!

8) Amy--Who? Is there an Amy on this show? Where the hell did she come from?

9) Kristine--Who? Why do they insist on keeping so many girls when we don't even get to see them?

10) Marshana--The Forehead advances. Race relations throughout the world are healed.

11) Noelle--I liked her on night one but we barely saw her.

Enter wingman: "Matt, ladies, there is only one rose left. Erin, Carri--put down that beer can! And Michelle, as soon as he reads this next name off, hug everyone and get the hell out. Matt, whenever you're ready, give Shayne that rose.

12) Shayne--Naturally. She's in for the long haul whether anybody likes it or not and most probably won't.

Begora! Michelle has a mini-meltdown and seems to have a sick relationship with her cat. Argh!

Next week: Hell, Shayne does something. What else?

Bachelor Recap--3/18--The Redcoats are coming...and they want our women.

Ah, Bachelor cheese--how I love thee. Let me count the ways. Velveeta and tea--English tea that is. The last time it was Texas tea and we all know how Jed Clampett's season turned out, don't we? This time a British wanker by the name of Matt Grant is coming to America to try and molest some desperate women who think he's the catch of a lifetime.

True, the guy is tall. The same height as your fearless pirate is, but I don't have the killer accent or the dreamy-boy face which is why this character is talking with the weakest of wingmen in Malibu instead of me. Harrison meets him in a driving rain and it looks to be about ten below zero as well but the wingman's pipes are in mid-season form as he pummels us with superlative adjectives about the limey.

Speaking of Grant, he comes screaming up to his hen house in somebody else's Maserati. The big rooster crawls out and he and the wingman powwow in the back room. We get to hear for the twelfth time in twelve seasons just how serious the Bachelor is about finding a wife. He does seem to have a decent motivation, I must say. Turns out his dad is late in life and recently suffered a stroke and Grant says, "I'd be devastated if my dad never got to know my children...my family." Hmm, maybe unlike the last eleven guys the twenty-seven year-old Grant will actually be married before his thirty-fifth birthday...but I doubt it.

Anyway, its girl reveal time and the wingman dumps Grant on the stoop as the limos roll up. Several made a strong initial impression:

1. Amanda R. Very nice looking girl here. Tall, leggy brunette listed as an Account Executive. Seems nice too. Turns out later she's got some funky hiccup problem. Cute or annoying I'm not sure yet.

2. Chelsea--Girls like this drive me nuts. I can never quite figure out if women likes this are mannish or hot. (Maybe I've been on the pirate ship too long.) She does arm wrestle Grant later in the evening. Grant laughs it off saying, "I could have been the worst bachelor ever and slammed her!" But I looked at her back muscles bulging from her evening gown and I was wondering if she was going to break his limey arm off and feed it to him. Scuttlebutt says this gal might be in for the long haul. We'll see.

3. Erin S--Yikes! I'm not confused about this one--this chick is a man! A hot dog vendor indeed. She didn't arm wrestle Grant I noticed. The Producers must have been terrified she'd kill him. Shame too, she seems nice. Ain't that the way it always is?

4. Erin H.--Pretty brunette listed as an "event planner." Just what the hell is that exactly? Sounds like a professional bullshit artist to me. Anyway, Grant says he digs her and then makes her stew. She gets the last rose.

5. Robin--Katie Couric lite--when she was still perky instead of serious. Hmm, we'll see.

6. Rebecca--Double yikes! A thirty year-old lawyer they say. Looks like a typo. I think the "3" was supposed to be a "5". I've seen younger women in an old folks home.

7. Marshana--This seasons token black girl arrives in a dress that looks like she stole it from a drapery rod. Yuck. Despite the hideous ensemble she came across as classy and surprise, surprise, she actually makes it through. The black chick actually advanced. Imagine that? However, I did see the season previews and she did go all 'street sister' on another girl--and I think it was Chelsea, too! Gulp! So much for Marshana's I.Q. Gurl, Chelsea could break your bony ass in half with one mannish hand.

8. Stacey--The nights designated drunken-hobag. Slurs, puts panties in Grant's pocket, and passes out face down on a bed. Nothing like putting America's best foot forward.
9. Noelle--Pretty, classy and was shown relating a personal anecdote. Must mean she's around a while.
10. Michelle--The most striking thing about her was the contrast between her Red hair and creamy, white skin. I kept waiting for the leprechaun to come dancing out and start passing out the Lucky Charms. Later at the party she played the clarinet--very well, I might add but while an American might be impressed with an Irish lass would a Brit? He didn't need to come to Malibu to meet a white-skinned redhead.
11. Shayne--Word leaked out some time ago that the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas had lost her marbles and agreed to appear on the Bachelor. She arrives and is definitely a knockout but almost immediately began name-dropping, and though the editing tried to hide it, she got as drunk as a skunk too.
12. A whole passel-load of cookie cutter blonds. Don't ask. I couldn't tell one from another but one of them practically ate an aluminum can. Argh! Oh yeah, and one looked like Goldie Hawn but I'll be damned if I can remember which until I look in my notes.

With all the women herded into the hen house, the big rooster is kicked inside by the wingman with that shit-eating grin he's always wearing. Grant toasts and gets the night started. Grandma Rebecca starts booty popping saying "I wanted to get it started so I busted some moves!" I was relieved she didn't bust a hip.

But before you could blink the wingman, like some fruity Hermes, comes floating into the room and lays the First Impression Curs...I mean Rose on the table. The women eye it with watering mouths and Grant doesn't hesitate long. Amanda R., displaying hiccups like Lindsay Lohan at a Budweiser taste testing, huddles in the corner as Grant swoops down with the flower. We didn't actually see him talk to her much but the guy clearly has the hots for madam hiccup. This is the first time I can remember the first impression flower going to a girl who wasn't an A-hole too. Also a first, the other girls aren't seen hating all over her. Change of the luck of the F.I.R? Wire to wire winner? I doubt it but you never know.

Grant strolls about the room and I'll say this much for the guy. After all the robot Bachelors this guy actually has a sense of humor. He's funny. Good for him. He might be a world-class douche but at least he's funny. Credit where its due.

Other than some freaky singing and other humiliating antics designed to 'make an impression' the producers love to foist on the women, the balance of the night is spent watching women 'steal' Grant from each other and we get both barrels of drunken Stacey, who makes a supreme ass of herself.

Then a shape appears out of the rainy night and for a minute I think Michelle's leprechaun has finally arrived but it's just the wingman busting up the festivities. Grant makes some comments to his assembled harem before he goes to 'deliberate' and there's also no denying he's more eloquent than the last ten Bachelor's combined.

Rose Ceremony:
There are few to zero surprises (if you don't count the fact the black chick got picked.) And since even the wingman admits that they manipulate the order in which the flowers are handed out, you can tell nothing but who survives.
In order they were shown:
1. Amanda R.--F.I.R. Madam Hiccup.
2. Chelsea--He owes her a rematch.
3. Shayne--Are you even a little surprised?
4. Michelle P.-Begora!
5. Marshana--Token! Token!
6. Ashlee--She played a guitar and sang. She's also everywhere in the previews. Must stay a while.
7. Noelle--Zero surprise here.
8. Erin S.--Just say 'Sir'!
9. Amy--Who?
10--Carri--She ate the beer can. I'll call her "Bluto".
11. Kristine-- Blond.
12. Robin--Katie Couric.
13. Kelly--Blond.
14. Holly--Goldie Hawn!
15. Erin H.--Looked ready throw a fit until he called her last.

Well after a long winters nap, your favorite pirate is back on the job. See ya next time!

Bachelor Reminders to Self

Whoa, Nelly! I've barely managed to wipe the latest sludge of Brad Womack lies out of the soles of my boots and already the net is popping with rumors that Bachelor 12 is almost ready to start filming with a presumptive air date in March. With the rush of this latest creature spawned by that devil himself, Mike Fleiss, on the way to us, it's time for some healthy reminders to myself and other poor souls like me who watch this show.

1) "It's the editing!" Mike Fleiss may be a slice and dice magician and he might be able to make "I like her but..." into "I like her butt!" but he cannot create quotes and actions out of whole cloth and thin air. People on these shows are definitely edited and manipulated but the Producers become an easy port in the storm when you need someone to blame for drinking twenty margaritas and telling the camera that one of your competitors smells like a "Tuna Taco!" but it's hardly an honest excuse. The simpler answer is that people on this show often act like assholes. I think we are all old enough to deal with that.

2) "I've been single for about a year." Uh. No. Unless you have a divorce decree in your resume you can show us, you have been single for your entire life. Brad Womack was allowed to get away with this little whopper of perspective last season and we all saw how that ended. Promising to only have sex with one woman at a time doesn't take you off the single roles nor does shacking up or any of the modern equivalents. The next time a Bachelor tries this little verbal parlor trick he needs to be informed that marriage is a much bigger deal than what he's done so far. Telling people you're newly single when you've never been married is a sign your perspective is damaged from the get go.

3) One commitment-phobic narcissist and 25 bimbos! That's what I'm going to keep chanting to myself over and over anyway. The gal has a boyfriend at home and the Bachelor wants to sell dog shampoo or something. This should keep me from getting too pissed off...like last time.

Ok, I'll check back in with you guys as time approaches for the newest pirate-fest and we can all laugh in unison as the Bachelor tells the wingman, "Well, the reason is that I've been busy and haven't met the one yet but I'm ready to settle down and if I'm feeling it, I'll go right down on my knee and propose!" Let's all chant together, "Argh! Liar!"

Bachelor Recap --The Finale and After the Final Rose--The Texas Tool

I get the same feeling discussing the Bachelor 11 finale as I do when trying to discuss the end of the Sopranos--or the 2001: A Space Odyssey. I mean WTF was that! The Sopranos could afford to act like it didn't owe viewers jack shit; it was the series finale. Who knows maybe the other night was also the series finale of the Bachelor as well. TV critics have long lamented the existence of the show and women's groups have treated it the same way they do white slavery auctions so maybe it's a good time for producer Mike Fleiss to call it a wrap. Because if this didn't kill this show it could survive a nuclear blast--a hunting vacation with Dick Cheney--anything!

Perhaps I should clarify. Well, I'll try and make this intelligible but the whole thing was so damn weird, so inexplicable, I'm not sure it's within the scope of my journalistic skills to try and recap it but I'll give it a shot. Ok, here goes. Now, remember when I was worried that Brad might turn out to be too decent a guy for this show? Yeah, ok well turns out Brad wasn't a douche bag in the classic sense we usually see as Bachelor viewers. That would be the skeezy, ass-grabbing type. Women, including Mrs. Barbarossa, can usually stomach that type of man. I mean, she stomachs me. Anyway, Brad didn't turn out to be that kind of Bachelor skeeze. Brad actually turned out to be much worse. He turned into a genuine horror--an emotionally stunted, commitment phobic jerkwad who encouraged the women to open up to him, to share their feelings and all the while plied them with little missives like, "I think you'd be the perfect wife and mother. You make me feel different than anyone I've ever met." And then, in the last ten minutes of the season, turned into a nightmare than any women would fear: an emotionally distant, deeply selfish, and heartless man. It wasn't a pretty sight.

The show started encouragingly enough with DeAnna arriving at Brad's Malibu pad where his mom and brothers Chad and Wesley had joined Brad to meet the remaining two girls. The brothers and mom chat easily with Dee Dee who seems to strike mom's fancy right away. With her eyelashes fluttering faster than the wings of a mosquito, Dee Dee confesses to mom that she's falling in love. Before Dee Dee can get out the door, the boy's join in some ritual horseplay that calls back to youthful innocence and take turns pushing each other into the pool.

Jenni arrives next and the scene is largely replayed but the mood seems a bit more tense or at least it's edited that way which seems to indicate which way the wind may be blowing. But....but....oh who's kidding who, none of this means a damn thing with that finale. It was all a charade--the words, the caring--all of it. Brad Womack is a stone cold asshole! An emotionally retarded teenager running around in a grown man's body. Even we pirates act with honor toward the fairer of the sex. Somebody should give this dickhead some lessons. I sincerely hope that the Womack Brothers kick his ass after what he did!

Ahem...ok, well, on to the finale. Jenni gets out out first and in the household of Barbarossa there are smiles that quickly turn to grimaces. We have pulled for DeAnna but have really enjoyed everything about Jenni except her giggling laugh and in the big world of sins that ain't much. Anyway, we watch the wingman move in and give her the walk of doom toward the plinth where Brad awaits her. He maneuvers her into the classic loser position and proceeds to break her heart. The poor thing had truly fallen for him and earlier (the part I skipped) she had finally confessed to loving him as he gently encouraged her. It was actually very tender but now seeing her rent with heartache is really hard. Brad comforts her and seems remorseful, just as he has all season when dropping a woman, and then gently escorts her away. Like Bevin last year, you can really feel Jenni's pain.

But now that's over and it's payoff time! Will he propose--a ring on a string--plane tickets, or maybe just an offer to pursue this in the real world? We wait with baited breath as the Wingman walks DeAnna into the garden scene and Brad dumps her ass too. Huh? What!? WTF!? Dee Dee stares around in the same amount of shock I'm feeling as Brad circles the plinth grabbing at his collar and fighting for air. A guy I thought might have some John Wayne in his soul is having a full fledged panic attack at the thought of getting married. He's scared out of his mind and lying his ass off to boot. He keeps assuring Dee Dee he has feelings for her but refuses to have any more contact with her? Huh? What sense does that make? (I have to break off yelling at the TV at this moment and head Mrs. Barbarossa off at the pass! She's got a frying pan and is trying to attack our Sony HDTV with it. Get a grip woman! If I thought you could actually hit him I'd let you do it but there are ballgames yet to be watched!) Ahem...to resume, Brad keeps right on lying to Dee Dee assuring her he has feelings for her that are deep and genuine while informing her it's time to hit the bricks. He leads her staggering and tearful to the limo, packs her off and ships her home C.O.D. Asshole! (Listen Buster, I don't watch Reality TV so I can see reality; I do it so I can watch Fantasy.) He had all these feelings for her but didn't even want to go to a movie with her? This is either disingenuous or Brad needs some serious mental help. Either way this season turned into a waste. The only chance now is...well, I vowed I'd never say it but the bane of redemption rests with the unlikliest of people. Come on, Wingman, gut this guy!

After The Final Rose

The early signs are encouraging. Harrison opens the show and the studio audience looks surly at best and even better, it's all women. Heh Heh. ABC seems to sense the trouble they are in with the audience and wrote some checks to get Trista and Ryan and Byron and Mary to fly in just to remind people that the Bachelor isn't always such a horrendous bust. Trista brought Baby Max just to underscore the fact to the cynical crowd that people on the Bachelor actually have sex or something like that. The Wingman, wearing what will be his final smile of the night, pesters Byron and Mary to go ahead and get hitched.

First out to talk is Jenni, who sounds more intelligent than she ever did in the show. Turns out she never even knew Brad dumped DeAnna after he dumped her so after coming to terms that Brad and DeAnna were an item she gets to be angry all over again that not only was she dumped but the whole thing now, "Felt like a complete waste!" Truer words never spoken. Next, the Wingman interviews Dee Dee and she is not only still pissed, she actually holds out hope that Brad has changed his mind in the two and half months since filming ended and would still like to date her. Seeing a woman as pretty as either Jenni or Dee Dee reduced to begging is especially painful.

She leaves and now the moment they have all been waiting for, Brad comes out...and the crowd boos his ass! Ha Ha! Yeah, baby. A Bachelor just got booed, when the hell has that ever happened? Harrison pummels him like Mike Wallace too. He grills him about...well, about basically why he is such a huge loser. The Wingman must have been pissed when Womack dumped the babes because he seems to revel in twisting the knife in his guts, "Do you feel like a jerk?" Ha ha, maybe the Wingman has a little pirate in him after all. Argh!

Jenni is brought back out and she asks the same questions any sane person would. Womack, his eyes as cold as a dead fish, mumbles a load of BS that makes no sense. He squirms like Bill Clinton in front of a grand jury but does it about as smoothly as George Bush would. Then they bring Dee Dee out and she gets emotional. (After watching her all season you know this isn't normal for her either.) Brad reaffirms that he wants nothing to do with her and the crowd groans and hisses angrily. Dee Dee cries and once it's clear there will be no second thoughts the Wingman signals her she can go. Brad, self absorbed loser he is, hugs her and tells her he still has feelings for her. I was expecting her to knee him in the crotch but instead she tell him to stop saying that to her and tearfully exits.

Harrison closes the show by bringing Mary and Byron and Trista and Ryan back out on stage for one final reminder that not everyone on the Bachelor is as colossal an asshole as Brad Womack is. Trista and Mary, who had both been dumped on the Bachelor themselves, look at Womack like he has leprosy. Ha ha, beautiful. So the season ends in a shambles but the good news for Mike Fleiss is there is a writers strike so...this coming spring will be a new Bachelor and for the first time since Jen Schefft tried to kill off the Bachelorette franchise by picking neither man, a Bachelorette will be coming in summer of 08.

Expect your faithful pirate to be back for those. Meanwhile, let's all hope the people in Austin, Texas are angry enough at Brad Womack that they'll make sure that not even a dehydrated cockroach would drink at one of his bars. Argh!

Bachelor Recap--11/12--Veni, Vidi, Vedicar!--They came, they saw, they bitched.

Recap??? This is the cattiest bunch of women in this shows rather dubious history. I've seen fewer cheap shots in a professional hockey game. (Argh)

Nothing more to say. Oh, yeah, one more thing: Chad was right, Sheena rocks.

Finale next week. See ya then.

Bachelor Recap 11/ 5--Faster than a Speeding Bullet.

I hope you didn't blink on Monday night because if you did, you missed the Bachelor and this week was the fantasy dates. Is this a clue that the Bachelor and his lady are no longer an item? I have no idea. I've about given us guessing too. I think after years of sleazing up America, Producer Mike Fleiss has finally rounded the bend and cracked up. He produces a show seen by between eight and ten million people weekly but he has obviously become obsessed with defeating a couple of hundred idiots like me who hang out on posting boards and try and figure out who the winner is; even at the expense of the coherence of the story he's trying to tell. It ain't normal...or even sane. Anyway, because ABC is delighted with it's new series, Samantha Who?, they have decided to shoehorn an entire Bachelor episode in 45 minutes. Like I said, don't blink. Samantha Who? You mean Al Bundy's daughter? Who cares.

Since it will all pass us by at light speed I'll type fast. Brad awaits Jenni--the relentlessly perky one--at a water park in Cabo San Lucas. It turns out all of the the fantasy dates will be in Cabo. Normally, the girls get extravagant dates in places like separate European capitals. But this year all three gals get stuck in one resort in Mexico and get told not to drink the water. Nice. This season couldn't have been produced for less money if they filmed it in Fleiss' backyard (and you better be careful they just might have.) So before Jenni gets a case of Montezuma's Revenge, Brad takes her to swim with the dolphins. How cute. How politically correct. How nauseating. Brad, god bless him, looks about as comfortable hanging out with the dolphin as he would have if Fleiss had dressed him in drag and told him to sing like Carmen Miranda. Brad is a guy. A ball scratching, beer farting guy. We don't swim with dolphins; we watch them play on Sundays. Argh. Jenni, however, digs it. She (say it all together now) DANCES with the dolphin. She did!? I wonder why?! Is Jenni a dancer?! Why didn't you say so? Jeesh.

Brad shakes off the dolphin blues and takes Jenni to dinner where she giggles a lot and talks in her baby voice. Just when I'm expecting to be bored, Jenni drops the demure act in favor of the Jenna Jameson act, "I believe you have something good in your pocket for me and I want it!" She almost undresses Brad at the table to get the fantasy date card out of his pocket too. Brad, being a hairy, ball-scratching, beer-farting dude, tosses the card on the floor, looks right into the camera and says, "Well, Grandma, you wanted to know about our sex; just stay tuned!" Then he takes her upstairs and breaks it off in her. Well, actually he didn't do any of that but it would have been cool if had--especially telling Jenni's sleazy old grandma that he was about to score. They do go up to the suite, however, and Fleiss does everything in his editing power to lead us all to believe that they get it on.

Next up Brad meets Bettina on a dock where a sail boat is moored. Truthfully, the Queen Mary could have moored at that dock and it wouldn't have made any difference. After last week's hometown debacle watching these two go on a date is downright uncomfortable. They don't even seem to like each other very much. Brad and her go sailing for the sole reason of letting Bettina show off her goddess-body one more time before she gets dumped. And show it off she does. Plenty of shots of her in a bikini along with some of the most ridiculous conversation this season. Bettina tries to convince him that her family really didn't shit all over him like it seemed. Brad manages not to laugh and rather sadistically asks her if she's willing to move to Austin. Ewww, it's a good burn! I hope her dad enjoyed the view of him hauling her smokin' bod into the hot tub for some making out. Fleiss again tries to imply they got it on as well but I ain't buying. They shared their first kiss in the hot tub and I've seen hotter kisses on an afternoon soap. It was so uncomfortable it burned my eyes. There is something so incredibly wrong about a hunk of Texas Beefcake like Brad Womack and a Goddess-bod, California babe like Bettina Bell laying hands on each other and generating no heat. It's wrong. Like a violation of the third law of thermodynamics or something; it shouldn't happen. But it did.

Next up, Brad meets DeAnna for some dune buggy riding. Yes, you heard that right. Fleiss' idea of a romantic overnight date begins with a dune buggy race. Hey, beats the shit out of swimming with a dolphin. The weird (or cool, depending on your point of view) thing is that DeAnna seems to love the idea. She and Brad go racing and she kicks his ass. She also rubs it in with her formidable sarcasm. Brad's response? "She put me to shame. I love it!" Oh, please. Come on, Brad. Demographic research shows that two feminists in the entire northern hemisphere actually watch the Bachelor and apparently Brad is worried about pissing one of them off. I hope he doesn't believe he's fooling anyone. After all, we guys are known to love getting our asses HUGE-miliated by our girlfriends on national television in driving contests. A little truth serum and Brad would have been yelling, "Two out of three! Bitch, you cheated!" Men are such idiots.

Dinner follows and it looks like the same restaurant for each girl and the place has all the ambiance of a Taco Bell. But fast-food motif or not Dee Dee lays it on the line to Brad, "I'm falling in love with you." She basically tells him it was love at first sight. Brad either wants to blurt, "I love you too!" right back at her or wants to heave, I can't tell which. One thing I did notice about Dee Dee though, when she is nervous she blinks...a lot! When she was confessing her love to Brad her eyelashes were going like the wings of a hummingbird. It may be because she wears contacts or it's how she shows her nerves but its wild looking. Despite that, Brad invites her up to the suite and she gladly accepts.

Rose Ceremony time and I swore to myself I wouldn't mention the Wingman this week and it turns out I don't have to; he ain't there. Boy, talk about phoning one in. Anyway, the ceremony was as anti-climactic as it should have been. Jenni, looking stunning in a brown dress, gets the first rose. Then, with the Wingman absent without leave, Brad tries to infuse some badly needed drama into the proceeding by acting confused and uncertain. Smirking faces fill the living rooms of people all around the U.S. and Canada as Brad says, "DeAnna." Yeah, no kidding.

Brad leads a completely calm Bettina outside and they chat before he sticks her in a limo. Bettina is led away with the air of someone who just finished third in a spelling bee. She drops an "F" bomb and acts a little pissed. That's all. She was about as much into Brad as her dad was. What an odd chick.

Next week: The Women Tell All, or more accurately, Women Acting like Catty Bitches. Expect a very short recap. See ya then!