Jason and the Baby-Mamas

Jason Mesnick and His Harem

The time has nearly arrived. ABC premieres it's latest edition of The Bachelor, next Monday, January 5th. This time, former MeAnna Pappas reject, Jason Mesnick is going to romance some babes and look for true love on his own. For those of you who have not already spoiled yourselves (yes, most of the top sleuther sights are now commenting that the winner has indeed leaked out even before the show airs) I present:

Barbarossa's First Annual List of Shit to Look For!

Now if you're one of those people who saves screen captures and voice recordings and then goes over them with an electron microscope and a seeing-eye dog, this list is not for you. This list is for people who actually just watch the stupid show...you know, like normal human beings. Ok, first up is Night One. That may seem obvious but the truth is that Night One shows you who the final 4 are if you just pay attention. Here's how: On the first night there are 25 women all running around getting bombed, playing the clarinet, eating beer cans, singing, twirling batons, and taking turns stealing The Bachelor away from each other. That is the part of the show that most people watch for: the bimbo parade. But that isn't where the your real competitors are hiding. With 25 women, one guy, and about an hour and a half, the truth is that there is only so much time for talking...you know, like on a real date.

With such a small amount of time and so many women for the viewer to get to know, producers/losers Mike Fleiss and Lisa Levenson have only a narrow window of time to introduce the women who are important for the arc of the season. Fleiss camouflages this under heaping layers of Circus Activity designed to both entertain and confuse, but do it he must. Viewers have no emotional stake in the show's outcome if the don't feel like they're sharing the journey with the contestants, and nobody would feel that if we were never shown anything about them. And that becomes the clearest marker as to which girls will be around for a while. Yes, I know, I know, Jason will talk with a heap of women; just don't let yourself be confused. Fleiss is like a magician--a half-trained, half-assed clown of a magician you wouldn't hire for a child's birthday party, but a magician nonetheless. He relies on distraction to divert the attention of the audience away from the real contenders by showing desperate women, who have already been fingered as losers, actress wanna-bes, and psychotics , turn themselves into Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not freaks to divert your attention from the girls who actually have a chance.

The key is simply to pay attention to any girl shown talking to Jason (not in a private interview) that sounds sweet and sane. She may relate a personal anecdote about her life, childhood, parents or some other relevant experience. Fleiss just handed you a contender on a silver platter. He took the time from a tight edit to show you someone you can relate to. (Note: this does not include girls showing Jason their bunions or an "I Got Hammered in Key West" tattoo. Only personal anecdotes.) They should be fairly easy to spot since the rest of the women will be behaving with the decorum normally seen in a chimp cage at the local zoo. That alone should give you a handful you can follow. Now, there's no guaranteeing that the girl you spot is going to be in the final 2, but it's a reasonable marker that she is going to go deep into the final 6 at least. Also, anyone seen behaving as if they need a 12-step program, dancing lessons, music lessons, a pro bono visit from Dr. Phil, or their very own Restraining Order can be summarily dismissed (or better yet, enjoyed for pure entertainment value). They won't make it into the top 8.

Remember, pay absolutely no attention to what order Jason calls out the girl's names at this or any other Rose Ceremony. This, even the soul-less Producers admit, is all rigged for maximum drama. Also disregard any bachelorette who grimaces, scowls, sneers, or pulls a face during the ceremony when a competitor gets her name called for a rose. These girls have been standing around in high heels with hangovers and aching feet for twelve hours while they filmed this bullshit; of course they sneer and grimace.

The Season Previews

Ok, if you're still confused as to which women are worth watching at this point, Fleiss is about to help you. At the end of each and every Night One Episode, they show a series of Highlights from the upcoming season. Most homes in America are now equipped with High Definition TV's and video recorders of some sort (Tivo, DVR). If you tape the previews and watch them in slow motion you will see a good number of the women you just saw survive Night One on a variety of dates with Jason. And if you watch very carefully, you'll see a few in more-exotic locations, one-on-one with Jason. There's your top 3 or even top2. Now I warn you: this is a slippery slope. You see, Fleiss wants you to buy an electron microscope and a seeing-eye dog. He knows this crap can be addictive and habit-forming, that's why he gives out the answers if you really want to look for them. He knows some people will get hooked on cracking the case and will spend their free time discussing and pimping his worthless reality show to others (like I do). Bachelor Sleuthing becomes a sport that has virtually nothing to do with the show. A new generation of Sherlock Holmes' run around examining screen captures, serial numbers on helicopters, calling potential Final 3 date location hotels and pestering the staff for information on filming dates. For people who have no life (like me) and have no interest in Star Trek Conventions, this is how we wile away our limited time on Planet Earth. Beware, you don't want to become one of us.

If All Else Fails:

Well, if you truly can't stand the suspense you can go out onto the internet and find out who won. "Barbarossa, do you mean they already know????" Uh, yeah, it would seem so. Normally sleuthers pick the winner from the methods stated above, but sometimes the sleuthing itself is spoiled because someone spills the beans. The National Enquirer used to bust it sometimes and off-shore gambling sites used to get flooded with the real winners and had to halt gambling on Reality Shows because of it. But some years some idiot just talks out of turn. Relax, dear readers, your Faithful Ship Captain won't reveal the secret here or in any other future columns. First of all: they may be wrong, (It's happened before.) but most importantly you, dear reader, may not wish to be spoiled. Far be it from me to take away your joy and delight at seeing true love develop on National TV.

Besides, you really want that electron microscope and seeing-eye dog, don't you?

"He's In Love! He's Engaged!"....OK, whatever you say, Chum.

ABC just released the pre-show press release assuring fans of Jason and of The Bachelor, that the show formula worked and Jason is head-over-heels in love with the "girl of his dreams." Ok, ok, whatever you say. But before the partying begins in earnest, my friends, it's time for a quick reality check before any of you start confusing Reality TV with Reality. I can hear some of you grumbling already. Oh, Barbarossa! We just got the news! Let us enjoy it a while before you take a giant crap on our romantic dreams! It's just a show, after all! Sorry, my friends. I can see and practically hear the swooning going on in online Bachelor-land and before that gets too far out of control it's your friendly Captains job to piss directly into your porridge. I am already hearing disturbing rumblings about people picking "favorites" and the girls pics haven't even been officially released yet. I'm also hearing (even from veteran fans) that this time is different because "Jason is really sincere!" Besides, as a veteran watcher and writer about this particular crapsack, I am charged with dousing your unrealistic expectations with a bucket of ice water. It's for your own good after all. Trust me.

An article has recently resurfaced that was originally written five years ago (complete with insider interviews of shocking honesty) that definitely should be reviewed. I'll save you the time by quoting from it directly. This article, written by Alessandra Stanley of TV Watch, was written in 2003, when the first spate of Reality TV programs were becoming astoundingly popular. It's a rare look behind the curtain of just what it is we're all still ingesting. I'll start the review with this quote, which should put your romantic ideas into proper perspective:

''We wanted to shoot the show like a soap opera,'' explained Lisa Levenson, the co-executive producer of ''The Bachelor'' series and a former producer of ''General Hospital,'' an ABC daytime soap opera. ''The principal ingredient is developing characters that viewers can relate to, or watch and think, 'At least I am not as screwed up as that person.' '' (Ms. Levenson also worked on the ''Jerry Springer Show.'')


If that last bit doesn't warn you about the nature of what we're all watching, I'll be damned if I know what will. That's right, Lisa Levenson, Bachelor co-producer, used to spend her time arranging onstage fist fights between incestuous families, trailer-trash lesbians, and perverted dwarfs. Jerry! Jerry! Quite a resume builder that is. Especially when you're also producing a dating show that requires everyone to swallow what they're seeing wholesale. Soap Operas and Springer--god, what a combo! This folks, is the same person who is trying to get you to buy that Jason Mesnick, average joe from Kirkland, Washington, has found love on her TV show and it's the real deal!

True, people have fallen in love on The Bachelor and it's sister show, The Bachelorette. But unfortunately for Levenson, and her partner in crime, Mike Fleiss, it's been a while. What this article makes so clear is just what the focus and point of this show is. (Hint: It's not people falling in love) Fleiss made it clear, they could care less about that

''If the couples break up, viewers will find that interesting, too,'' said Mike Fleiss, Ms. Levenson's co-executive producer on ''The Bachelor'' series. ''It's storytelling, and viewers are more satisfied when we work the spin.''


"The spin". Yeah. They are producing a Soap Opera-like piece of entertainment. Their goal is to craft a story that draws you into the emotional journey about the quest for love, not to pair up lonely singles. In other words, it's about as real as a pro wrestling match, and if anyone falls in love during rehearsals, well, that's just fine. But if they don't, that's fine too, just as long as they produce good drama and ratings. Barbarossa, that's fine. But this is about the people, people like Jason, and he's really sincere! Maybe, maybe not. Let's see what the icon of the this series has to say about sincerity. Trista Sutter is the poster child for this franchise. She married Colorado fireman Ryan Sutter in her own incarnation of the Bachelorette and she is the lone peg on which Fleiss and Levenson hang their coat and point to every time someone tells them their show is a pile of faked shit that never works. Let's see what Trista has to say about those smashed and broken hearts every Bachlor(ette) contestant invariably leave in their wakes:

Ms. Rehn, perhaps having snapped out of ''The Bachelorette'' trance, had a prosaic explanation for why she appeared so enamored of Charlie, the man she rejected for the poetry-writing fireman, Ryan, in the finale. ''They need to make the audience believe it is going to go a certain way,'' she told reporters on Thursday, ''so they can have a shocking ending.''

Yikes! Even saintly Trista, who followed through and actually married her fireman and procreated with him just admitted she led some poor shlub along and make sure he got blind-sided so the producers could have some drama. Holy crack smoking, Batman! You mean Trista shamelessly led some poor bastard on and then trashed him on national TV just to make the producers happy? Yep, that's exactly what that means. And that's exactly what Jason Mesnick is going to do too. He's going to encourage a set of women to fall for him, so he can slam them down. Oh, Barbarossa, not Jason! He wouldn't do that! He has a son! Really? Have they changed the premise of the show? The press release says he's gonna' start out with 25 women all trying to be the last one standing. That means that 24 women are going to be unceremoniously dumped by Mr. Wonderful. But Barbarossa, Jason will be kind about it. He won't give those bad old producer's what they want. He has too much respect for women!

Uh huh. Ok, lets see what the producers say about that:

Ms. Levenson explained that even the most unpracticed contestants go into what she calls ''The Bachelor bubble.'' Isolated from newspapers, friends, television or any other distraction from the show, participants develop ''Stockholm syndrome,'' and identify with the producers' goals. ''They do not want to screw up, and they want it to be as dramatic for the viewers as it is for them,'' Ms. Levenson explained

Hehehe. Yep. They deliberately isolate the contestants so the can promote a Stockholm Syndrome among them. No wonder Jason always grimaces like he's making a hostage tape; he is. If Jason has so much respect for women (and himself) why is he doing this show? So he can fall in love--squeeee! Uh, no. He can do that at home. Jason has chosen to do this on national television with about 7 million people watching. He is no rube either. As a previous contestant on the MeAnna Pappas Bachelorette, he knows the ropes. He has agreed to take part in a show that you have just seen the producers refer to as a Soap Opera. He knows most of his fellow cast members want careers in show biz and that they came on the show for exposure. What does Jason hope to gain by this? I have no idea, but the fact there is more to this than just falling in love is what I just called it: a fact! What his true motivations are, I neither know nor care. I just know he has them and the fact he is going to drag his three year-old son into this is nothing short of loathsome, in my opinion...but that's his business.

I'm not trying to put people off watching this show. As you all know, I'm about as sanctimonious as someone on death row. If Jason wants to run his life this way fine by me. I'm just trying to make sure that my faithful readership (that would be both of you) keeps in mind just what we are watching. If this thing works at all, it will be as a happy byproduct of the process of creating Soap Opera quality entertainment. And know that many of you will soon sour on Jason Mesnick. You will start to like some contestant and then see Jason dump her. Popularity as a contestant on this show is one thing; popularity as the Bachelor himself? Ah, that's another. Meanwhile, caveat emptor, my friends.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding That Isn't!

How out of it have I been? I just got some of the least shocking news since I heard Obama won the election: DeAnna Pappas put the dump job on 'ol Bonghit Spicoli. Wow! How amazingly unsuprising that was.There I was sailing through the Caribbean planning my next round of looting and pillaging when a seagull arrived with a letter announcing the news of their break-up. After I stopped laughing and picked myself up off the deck, I actually experienced a moments surprise when I realized that the faux couple weren't going to keep this up so they could cash in on the 'wedding'. But I don't think its from a lack of shamelessness however.

The seagull carried several articles including one where Chris "Wingman" Harrison actually took Jesse's side. Hmmm, must be an additional duty of romance reality TV hosts I wasn't aware of: refereeing break-ups. Anyway, rumors (and our own eyes) told you the fact that DeAnna was one world-class bitch, so the fact that Harrison and the Bachelor powers-that-be were only too happy to toss her under the nearest Greyhound should come as no surprise. Every reliable rumor from members of the production staff made it pretty plain that the picture we got to see of DeAnna on the show was no illusion.

Adding fuel to the soap opera fire, Jesse posted a whiny, tear-filled video on Youtube about the break-up.

Reality Check: A blind person could plainly see (even me!) that DeAnna had a serious case of the hots for just one person on her Bachelorette show: Graham Bunn. Graham left (or was dismissed, depending on who you believe) in position number 4. Three guys remained when Graham left and everything after that was anticlimax. As slim as the chance is that this show could actually produce a real romance, that small chance died when Graham left. Jeremy, Jason, and Jesse Csini...Csini...Cszin...the snowboarder were all left there like table scraps for a dog. The show had to continue, of course, no surprise there. But the fact that DeAnna dumped Jeremy and took the single dad to the finals so she could dump him for the snowboarding stonehead was a shock. Was it a diabolical plan from the producers? If it was, it was a dumb one. Once the show was over, numerous ass kissers came flooding out of the woodwork claiming to be "Jesse Fans". You know the fans I mean, the ones who were nonexistent during the show.

Regardless, the moment the show ended DeAnna "I want three kids by the age of thirty" Pappas and Jesse "I want three bags of weed by this weekend" Csin...Czini...The Snowboarder were selling items on Ebay, doing photo-ops nationwide and were driving a leased Maserati. Now word comes that DeAnna has "auditions" in California. Jesse insisted this wasn't what he wanted. (This from a guy who went on a reality show to sell his ex-girlfriends clothing line?) Sounds to me like the wingman has some more refereeing to do on this one.

Or better yet, lets let this whole mess die as quietly as possible, like it should have in the beginning. After all, a new Bachelor starring Jason is due to air in January and word has just confirmed that Charlie and B. are back together and Byron and Mary are making like crabgrass and refusing to die. Hope springs eternal.

The Baby-Daddy is On!

Ok, ok, enough with the e-mails, I got it already! Yes, ABC has announced Jason "the Baby-Daddy" Mesnick, so viciously dumped by MeAnna Pappas on last season's Bachelorette, will be back as the prime object of female desire when the Bachelor comes back on in January for it's 13th installment. While MeAnna found the man of her dreams with 'ol Bonghit Spicoli and is now spending her quality family time in L.A. doing photo-ops, driving a leased Maserati, and auctioning off items on Ebay, just like she promised she would on the show, Jason was sent back to Seattle causing women everywhere to cry a river.

As the dust settled and people gnashed their teeth at DeAnna for breaking Mr. Nice-guy's heart so she could go be famous with her new "fiancee", they took out their frustrations by burying ABC under an avalanche of e-mails and phone calls demanding Jason be made the new Bachelor. The e-mails must have hit home because ABC's president of programming sounded a lot like he might just shelve the Bachelor for a while back in interviews in July. But hope, if not common sense, springs eternal for Romance Reality Television with principal shooting now rumored to begin in October.

As I blogged just after Jason was given the most brutal kiss-off in Bach history, the next slot was his for the taking. I said that I both "hoped and thought he would not." Silly me. Both Jason and ABC have both evidently enjoyed a huge gulp of Producer Mike Fleiss' infamous kool-aid and are now on board for what fans hope will be the lucky 13th try. We'll see about that. But you can't say that Jason, with his cute three year-old son and general, all around nice-guy earnestness isn't going to attract a different caliber of woman to this show. I am 100% positive they will get applicants who wouldn't have gotten near this clunker in a million years otherwise. Whether Fleiss and partner in crime, Lisa Levenson, will actually cast any of them is another matter. After 7 years of casting famewhores, drama-queens, and Hollywood wanna-be's, I expect old habits will be hard to break. They actually think stalkers, psychos, and actress wanna-be's are really entertaining. Even Weak Wingman-host, Chris Harrison has given interviews equating tears with ratings.

Concerns:

Casting: Duh. This is where this chance can be absolutely wrecked. If any of you can picture Jason proposing to the likes of Shayne Lamas, please send me what you're taking because I want some. This is probably this shows last chance to actually deliver upon the premise it promises. If they can't pull this one off; they can't pull it off. Because of Jason's fanbase and his reputation, I actually expect there to be some buzz about this premiere. That hasn't been the case for this franchise for a long time. Suffice it to say, if they cant deliver the goods with this guy, women around the country (who make up an enormous majority of viewers) will get the message that this will never work. I predict this series will live and die on this season. Fleiss had better pay attention if he likes cashing ABC's checks.

Jason: Ok, time to break this guy down a little. Now, I know that I'll be seeing so much of little Ty that I'll be hugged around the closest commode like a diabetic with a empty box of Whitman's Sampler in my arms, but I also know that women will love that new aspect of the show; especially if reports are right and they will be filming in Seattle. With that said, this show always comes down to how well the lead can carry it and Ty not withstanding, this is up to Jason--his interaction with the women and the way he treats him. ABC had "hotter" choices here. With all due respect to Jason's mob of female swooners, there were hotter guys available. Jeremy-Bot Anderson has washboard abs and a leading man chin. Jason, in contrast, is in good shape, fairly nice-looking, a little thin of hair and grimaces like he's being held captive when he smiles. Does this guy have the chops to carry this show on his shoulders? I honestly don't know. If you remember the Prince Lorenzo Borghesi or Travis Stork seasons, you saw two better-looking men stumble around the women like two guys who had just escaped from their mom's basements.

Now Jason's army of female myrmidons will disagree with that assessment, but I'm sorry, he is a nice-looking, in-shape guy, who seems to be really nice. He is not model-hot. And not the entire audience will be made of women who are in-love with his niceness and commitment to his kid. If it were, Jeremy would not have received so much support in his candidacy to the next Bachelor. That guy was shown, unfairly in my opinion, to be a arrogant moper, yet he had a huge fanbase of his own. Just because Jason appears to be so damn nice should you, dear readers, expect the old pirate here to give him a free pass? Ha, you are kidding. I'll be just as hard on this guy as I think he warrants. I'm gonna call him when I think he needs it and I'll search slang-dictionaries for new ways to describe "vomit" for all the saccharin-sweet Jason loves Ty scenes we are going to be subjected to. I don't give free passes.

The good news is that there is soon to be another shot for me to be a wise-ass and I can't wait. I can practically hear Harrison practicing in front of the mirror right now: "Our most romantic season ever!"

Yeah, I like it. Argh!

Kudos To Reality Steve and Jeremy Anderson

Reality Steve is at it again; doing not only a funny column but acting like a "journalist". Well "La-tee-dah". Yeah, he is the real deal; unlike me, who just sits around bitching. Steve landed an interview with the Jeremy-bot and its a humdinger too. The most revealing aspects of the audio is not the fact that many show secrets are revealed, it's that Anderson actually seems like a pretty sincere guy who went on the show for the right reasons; no endorsement deals, going to Hollywood or any of that. The schlub actually believed he had a shot at love. (Shakes head) Poor idiot.

Anyway, the interview is good, it's also very long: about an hour and a half. If that's too much for you, I'll try and recap what I thought were the the most important parts here:

DeAnna: Although Jeremy mouthed all the necessary platitudes about her reading between the lines wasn't very difficult. Some memorable quotes:

R.S.: "Whatever happened between Dee and Jesse, I guess we viewers just never got to see it."

J.A.: (Laughing) You're not the only one!"

J.A.: "There were a lot more picnic blow-ups from her than you ever saw." "By the time we walked on the beach during the last chance date; she was different. The whole refrain from her had been: If it's you, I'm moving to Dallas or to Washington if it's Jason or whatever. That changed when we were on the beach. She wasn't so sure anymore. She's been the Princess for a year now; I think she may have been bitten by the Hollywood bug."

"Jason and I are best friends. We talk almost every day."

Suffice it to say, I was pretty hard on Jeremy this season. I went so far as calling the guy "fake" and a "robot". I should have been more cognizant of the editing bug. Jeremy wasn't really happy he was shown as a morose, depressed person. He said there were a lot of light moments that never got shown. This shouldn't surprise me or you either, dear reader. Trying to recap this is pointless because it robs you of his voice inflections and laughter he joined in with Steve when he agreed but had too much class to say so. You need to listen to it.

Barbarossa's Conclusions: Ok, the biggest news of the interview is that Jason and Jeremy are being considered as the next Bachelor's. It sounded like the focus is solely on them as well. Neither have heard from ABC as of August 4th. Ok, I went so far as to swear that I wouldn't watch the Bachelor, let alone blog about it, if Jeremy were selected. I'm officially changing my position after this interview. Mind you, its with reservations. Like Reality Steve, I'm willing to admit I was fooled by some of the edit and admit Jeremy is indeed in this "for the right reasons". That does not answer the charisma problem for me. But I realize that charisma, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, but I'm not sure this guy has the chops to carry this show off as it's lead. But...this was BIG...Reality Steve floated an idea that's been around for weeks now on the boards and its a gem and Jeremy readily agreed! He proposed two Bachelors: Jason and Jeremy, along with some revolutionary changes to the show. Maybe Jeremy and ten girls and Jason and ten girls. If Jason cuts a girl, Jeremy has the chance to try her out before dumpsville. Not everyone meshes with each other and Jason and Jeremy are fairly different guys. I think this idea is nothing short of terrific! This is the type of changes I'm talking about. Jason and Jeremy seem like truly sincere guys, but both only appeal to part of the Bachelor viewership. People will get sick of seeing Ty is its Jason alone, and Jeremy might whine and mewl a bit without Jason's smile backing him up. They also sound like Best Friends who could help each other and talk stuff out about the women. I like this. No, I love it!

Now, Fleiss just needs to leave the drunken fame-whore and actress-wanna-be's at home and pick some decent women, not a bevy of unstable drama queens and I predict ABC will buy this in a second. I wouldn't have the women do a vote-off like they did in Byron's season either. Let both guys stay and work over the lovely's until we get a match. This might actually work, maybe even twice. This idea is a winner and if any of Fleiss' troglodytes read this blog they need to snatch it up and run with it.

'Nuff said. And Argh!

No Surprises in Bachelor-Land

ABC's, The Bachelor can be many things; surprising, however, is not one of them. Finally ending what everyone has known for an eon, Bachelor Matt Grant and his ersatz-fiancee, Shayne Dalai Lamas, have apparently grown tired of having to explain to reporters why they are always in someone other than each others company and announced that they are indeed Splitsville!

Thank you. As you were told here by your humble pirate when this travesty ended, this sucker was faked from the get go. The Dalai Lamas, looking more and more like the potted-palm plant-job that she was, apparently got what she wanted out of the deal: the chance to pose scantily-clad on numerous, crappy Men's Magazine covers and the delectable attention she so obviously craves. What does British dweeb Matt Grant get out of the deal? Well, since he obviously spilled to the reporter first: he gets to blame her. The story says she dumped him via cell phone and he is reported to be "devastated." Sure. He's probably devastated he has to take his skinhead-looking ass back to merry Olde England and get a real job.

Anybody feeling "devastated" by their break up needs some medication and a nice, safe rubber room to sleep in. (They also need to contact me so I can sell them some swampland.) The only thing remarkable about any of this is that this version of the Bachelor signaled the moment when Producer Mike Fleiss moved from trying to stage the show to actually staging it. The early years of the Bachelor, when Satan Fleiss was but a lad in the land of reality TV manipulation, actually had some sense of realism. True, this now makes 10 of 11 Bachelors who have dumped their sweeties, but those earlier ones actually made some pretense of giving it a go. Well that all stopped when Brad Womack made his heroic stand and dumped everyone. ABC had just come off a banner year when Lt. Andy Baldwin, (now revealed as a world class douche) dated and picked Tessa Horst. That romance was still supposedly on-going when the Womack debacle occurred. One supposes ABC was less than thrilled and Fleiss panicked. "No more Reality!"

You see, Fleiss is actually a kind-hearted person with sound judgment. Remember that on the night Brad Womack dumped Jenni Croft and DeAnna Pappas, leaving both women in tears and at least one them(Pappas) psychologically scarred, Fleiss' idea of "funny" was to the end the show with Womack sitting on his couch eating a Subway and watching TV. While Bachelor America gnashed its teeth and damned Brad Womack to hell; Fleiss thought it would be a riot to show Womack eatin' a sammitch and watching the boob tube. (Thankfully, mercifully, ABC stepped in and stopped him). How can we doubt the priceless judgment of such a man?

Well Fleiss learned his lesson: No More Reality! Rumors in the bloggersphere hint ABC is considering shelving the show. Others counter than since the Bachelor still gets good ratings that that will never happen. But it's happened before. Most of you are probably too young to remember 1969 so I shall provide a lesson: At that time CBS had a load of top-rated shows--many of them in the top 10 but they were all hick-coms; in other words, shows about Hillbilly's. You may have heard of several of them: The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, Petticoat Junction. All of these shows were in the top 15 at the time of their cancellations. CBS axed them because they were embarrassed. Do you think ABC execs are embarrassed that their flagship dating program has become a joke? Maybe, maybe not but one thing is certain: This show needs to be desperately re-tooled. It needs to actually try and fulfill the premise it was supposed to meet in the first place. If you had a show that actually showed interested people falling in love and committing to each other instead of Hollywood wanna-be's and desperate fame-whores trying to pimp careers, this show could run until 2100. Ever heard of Romeo and Juliet? Love is a universal theme just like Shakespeare knew.

ABC has an easy answer too: FIRE FLEISS! Give Lisa Levenson a shot or hire someone else who will recruit people off Match.com instead of MySpace and give us back some "reality."

I'm for it.

Argh!

Bachelorette Finale---Fake Times at Ridgemont High

She picked the stoner! Ha Ha! Oh, man I don't believe it! She picked Spicoli! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! That's right, the same character created by Sean Penn in the 80's cult movie, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. The only thing missing was the wingman morphing into Mr. Hand and eating Spicoli's pizza because he didn't order enough for the whole class. Somebody call Ray Walston! Ha, ha! Wonder what Spicoli the snowboarder plans to do with the big cash reward he won for being the f1? He'll probably do what Spicoli did and blow the whole wad hiring Van Halen to play at this birthday party. Can you see Dee riding around in the back of a micro bus following Jesse to snowboarding events; smokin' the wheat and drinking bongwater? Ha, ha. Me neither.


The bigger question is: Just how stupid is this girl!? Now, I don't think she's in love with this guy in the least. She was in love with Graham three weeks previously. No, the question of her stupidity that this begs is that since she didn't love either man, why did she take the one man who was the most earnest of the bunch to the final 2 so she could dump him for a stoned-out teen-aged wanna be? Why not take Jeremy-bot? Or Richard, the Chef? Or (gasp) The Grahamster!? You remember him Dee; you know, the guy you actually loved? He wouldn't have cared. Jesus, why take the nice guy to the dump farm? Why not anyone but the one guy who had a kid!? Especially when you were going to dump him for a guy whose ideas of fun are trying to destroy the English language and dressing up like a circus clown? And then to let the equivalent of the All-American guy get all the way down on one knee before you stop him?! Was this her idea of a joke!? And please be sure to give him a beaming smile when he's walking up to you. We wouldn't want him to see that big axe in your hands now would we? Think the villagers aren't up in arms about this? They're carrying torches and heading to the castle gates as we speak. Ha Ha! DeAnna now lives in a castle folks. Unfortunately for her it's guarded by flying monkeys, and no, they're not the result of those dubious-looking mushrooms your new "fiancee" fed you either, dear. They're the result of your seeming need to be elected Queen Bitch of the Universe. Stay out of the water, Dee; you'll melt.


Somewhere in Texas, Brad Womack just wiped his brow and did a shot. Or three.


Recap: (As if it matters now.) A long series of needless recaps showing the men's "journey's" with her. ZZZZZZZZZ. Then the two dwarfs head to Newnan, Ga. to meet Dee's family; so naturally it's time to trash Brad Womack again. The whole family piles on and Brad is again dismissed as a douche. Jason, the baby daddy, (hereafter known as the sacrificial lamb), is up first. Jason handles the whole thing very well. His dweebish nice guy bit goes over as well as it should. Dad questions whether Dee is ready to move into a ready-made family. Ya think? Anyway, sis takes the lamb outside and asks him about his true feelings for Dee. Unless Jason is a terrific actor, and he's not shown that ability to this point, he actually is in love with Dee. The brother asks the big question and we never see Dee answer it: "What's the wow factor?" We don't see the answer because there isn't one. Dee keeps making statement after statement about how "He's a good father; he wants to get married!" Even if leaks hadn't told the whole online world last week that she picks Jesse, this should have. The lamb is toast. Exciting guy versus stable guy. Most young women don't make the right choice on this one. They wait until the next time, when they're in their thirties, and learn that marriage is a long-term commitment, to make the correct pick. Dee, at 26, doesn't disappoint either. Jason asks dad's permission to marry Dee. The lamb is prepped for slaughter.

Jesse, the stoned snowboarder shows up next looking like, well looking like a skater boi. Baggy-assed pants and that "Rad" talk all going on. Tuck your shirt in, you douche. This one is kept short and Jesse is made to look scared, frightened and looking to escape. Dad's shown grilling Jesse and the edit makes it look like he has no answers for dad. More tellingly, Dee sits inside with her sis and pouts the entire time that Jesse is getting it too hard and won't do well. No clues needed here. Jesse is quickly shown the door, "I blew it." Ha, ha. Dee and dad talk and it looks like dad tried to talk her out of what she's about to do. Give dad some credit; he tried. But Dee's pouting gets huge when pops refuses to wholeheartedly endorse Jesse like he did Jason and the writing is even more on the wall.

Next, the producers pull one of their weird, pointless exercises that shows they don't really have a clue about what they're doing. In an effort to "up the drama" they bring both guys back to an extended family party. Unsurprisingly this produces a freeze from both guys and wads of discomfort all around. What was Fleiss expecting; a food fight! Sometimes Satan is a full blown moron! The two guys shuffle around uncomfortably and Jason easily wins over the family while Jesse teaches people how to "nug". Jesus. Grandma Zsa Zsa wins props, and an argument to bring back arranged marriages, by picking Jason, by what looks like a country mile. Grandpa tries to remind her that it's Dee's choice and Grandma rolls her eyes at him. Grandpa then scores some props by cracking on Zsa Zsa about how her dad's shotgun was the only reason her married her. Ha. Ha. Cool. The old duffers actually understand marriage. It's a remarkable contrast between their wisdom and their granddaughter's idiocy. No wonder the divorce rate is over 50% these days. Both guys are booted out and the family is shown (as always) to be absolutely no help in aiding the Bachelor(ette) whatsoever. The producers get into the act and prompt Jesse to get his ass in gear and ask Dad for his daughter's hand. Ha, ha. Very subtle. Dad grimaces like a man who can see the edge of the abyss heading his way and surrenders to the inevitable.

The producers then lose their collective minds. For some reason (time filler, an attempt to humanize Dee? Who knows?) they stage some fake interviews with Dee and try to make us believe she actually flew back to Grand Bahama to have a conversation with the Jeremy-bot. This is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. I think Jesse wasn't the only one of this show taking bong hits. They don't even try very hard to fool us. The Jeremy-bot comes walking up to Dee's pad wearing the exact same clothes he was wearing at the rose ceremony the week before to talk to her. Dee greets him, at night, in a robe, and he whines and mewls to get her to change her mind. If anyone ever has the temerity to suggest this show isn't one huge pile of faked shit, just point them at this scene. Pro wrestling is more believable than what Fleiss is asking the audience to swallow here. I was expecting Hulk Hogan to come jumping out of the closet and elbow the Jeremy-bot on the noggin. Jesus, Fleiss, insult my intelligence, why don't you. The only thing worth noting here is that the Jeremy-bot tells the crowd that I have been completely accurate in my assessment of him. "I've...I've been a statue." Close enough for government work. Statue, robot; same thing. We get to see her dump his ass all over again. Yes she's looking like Rebbecca of Sunnybrooke Farm all right.

Back to some semblance of "reality". Back to Grand Bahama for real and Dee and the dweebs are ready for the last chance dates and the Final Lamb Slaughter. First, she and bowl-smoke go for a seaplane ride to a tiny island. They are clearly very comfortable with each other and they frolic around in the surf. In between frolicking there are voice overs where Jesse swears his true and unflinching love. Heh. Then its back to the hotel where Jesse presents her with a "gift." It's a book filled with still shots Jesse would have no chance of ever getting his hands on without the producers help, but in keeping with Jesse's 'character' it looks like a pop-up book. Very impressive. If Jesse had actually made the thing it would have been filled with drawings of hemp leaves and pen scrawled sayings like "Led Zeppelin Rulz!" so I think we can safely assume he didn't make it.

Now its the lamb's turn. He greets Dee in his usual dweeby run and hug method and she takes him scuba diving with sharks. Careful Jason, the Great White is closer than you think. They do go down to the bottom of the sea floor and there are real sharks around. Dee tells us Jason was "very manly and she feels safe and protected with him." This also is a refrain we have heard a thousand times. "Safe, protected," Read BORING! And just like we've seen between them every time he moves to kiss her she hesitates, kisses, then pulls back abruptly. Hard to believe the guy can't feel it but evidently he can't. It's then back to the lamb's room where he gives her a board game. It should have been Clue, Jason. But it isn't. She picks chance cards, etc. and looks uncomfy kissing him again. Voice overs tell us she's falling love with him. Heh, too funny. He tells her in apparent earnestness that he loves her. Narcissist that she is, she smiles and laps it up. The sharpening of knives can be heard in the background.

DeAnna wants us to believe she woke up the next morning and had an epiphany. After slobbering about how much she loves both guys she wakes up the next morning and suddenly is positive about who she will choose. Ok. The lamb, desperately needing a shave, goes ring shopping first and marches directly into the store with blind confidence and picks out a ring. Spicoli, however, nearly vomits on the sidewalk before he could get into the store. He tells us this means he "must love her?" The question in the tone is clearly audible. Ha, ha. He finally gets inside, picks out a ring, and then launches into a commercial: "This Decory ring to me, symbolizes forever." Ha, Ha, ha! Shamelessness is not an issue here folks.

With strains of classical music blaring in the background, voice overs tell us just how kooky this all is. Stoner boi finally uses the term, "Soulmate." We'll hear that a couple of billion times in the next few seconds. On to the slaughter. The wingman walks Dee out to her plinth of pain and she assures us she is 100% sure of her choice. Out of the two that are left, we are too, Dee. But the ominous shadows on Brad Womack and Graham Bunn rise up behind her as we hear this like storm clouds in Oz.

The first limo pulls out and out steps the lamb. Women all over the country who do not follow this crap on the Internet gasp in horror. The lamb, the stale breath of the producers still filling his ears ("You got it, man! There's no way she's gonna' pick that stoned loser over you! She wants a family; that loser doesn't even have a real job! Go for it buddy!) comes bounding happily down the walkway to his doom. DeAnna, just to make sure the coming ambush is as bloody and horrifying as humanly possible, beams at him like his blushing bride awaiting him at the alter. The next part...(sighs, shakes head) I'm afraid the next part defies my abilities as a writer. We pirates loot and pillage, we don't normally transcribe horror films, and before anyone tells me this happened quickly, I will remind you that descending down to one knee dressed in a suit, is not a one-step process. The lamb pulls back his jacket coat, steps back and slowly descends to one knee. Just as his knee is touching concrete she says "No, I can't."

The look he gives her carries in it about a thousand different emotions. He knows what it means when she stops him but the overriding look in his eyes is a question of" "How could you!?" She let him absolutely humiliate himself before she stopped him. It is akin to watching a disemboweling. Beatings of baby seals are tame in comparison. Horror is not nearly a strong enough word. The man is reduced to smoldering embers and DeAnna is unmasked as a sociopath. He is in such shock for the rest of the time it doesn't really need describing. She peddles him some balloon-juice and he just wants to drop into a hole and die. Fleiss should have provided him one. One thing I can't figure out is why these suitors allow the dumpers to allow them to walk them to the car. I remember Baldwin's season and I was hoping Bevin would pick him up and throw him in the ocean, and during the Grant/Lamas fiasco Chelsea nearly did--which is one reason I like her so much. I would have let her say two words and then snapped. "Got it!" and made a beeline for the limo, but the lamb is in too much shock to do anything but gape at her. Either he has more class than me (a definite possibility) or he is in too much shock to resist. Either way, for all the bullshit this show peddles the guy was blind sided by an all-time dirty blow. Fleiss will have to work hard to ever top this beating. She guides him back to the car and he sits in shock and breaks down on the way out.

Spicoli shows up and proposes. BFD. She didn't love either of these clods but this one wins the cake-topper as most bizarre Bachelor(ette) I have ever watched. The most frequent posts I saw on the board that night from fans was "Gross!" I think that will about cover it.


After The Final Rose: You're going to get a quickie version of this because I'm not going back to re-watch this pablum. Suffice it to say, Jason comes out looking hurt; is forced to watch his humiliation all over again and is interviewed by the wingman. Edits show Harrison nodding a lot and Jason hesitantly agreeing to talk. The wingman does his usual good job and the story finally comes out. He wants most to know why she let him down on one knee before she stopped him. Because she's a psycho, Jason, that's why. Anyway, the paid audience is obviously told to cheer and buck Jason up as much as possible and its now apparent why a paid audience was used. A real audience of fans would have booed Dee's ass off the second she came out but the paid seals all clap like they've been told. Dee comes out and Jason asks her some tough, probing questions. This isn't a surprise. Jason seemed intelligent and well-educated; the surprise is that we were allowed to see it. Jason's best line is when he said: "Watching the show, I realized you never looked at me the same way you looked at Jesse, or to be fair, Graham." Ouch! Right in the 'ol psyche with that one! Dee pulls back and tried to deflect it but Jason scored major carnage of his own on that one. Conclusion: Jason is the next Bachelor if he's dumb enough to take it. I both hope and think he will not.

Bong hit comes out and and tries to recreate his infamous over the couch entrance from night one but only succeeds in stirring memories of Tom Cruise on Oprah. The creepiness meter goes higher. Dee then tries wayyyyyy too hard to show how much she loves him. "Forced" is a good word for it actually. They announce their wedding date and Harrison tells them Fleiss is going to send them to Greece. Heh, heh. Are they going to pay for the divorce too? The only stick of anything useful comes when Harrison questions Dee's dad. Dad says he knew it would be Jesse in Atlanta. No surprise, but it gives light to all of Dee's lies to Jason. It's also said through a grimace masquerading as a smile. Yeah, be proud dad, your daughter is engaged to a loser. Fathers everywhere glow with pride.

Oh yeah. Matt and Shayne show up to try and convince everyone they are actually still a couple, (or ever were). That's pretty hard to do when Matt's already confirmed to a reporter that he's moved out of Shayne's apartment and media reports have Shayne out of drunken dates with other men. Just in case any of you are still feeling gullible, you will notice that Fleiss isn't paying for any damn thing for these two.

And that will do it, matey's. Another failed romance in the books. I will see you when next the wingman announces "Our most romantic season ever!" or when I decide to write something else on here. Until then remember: Argh!