1/9--Stormhorse in the Sonoma Valley

Emily Maynard will be the new Bachelorette

Yeah, I was skeptical too, for a lot of reasons. The least of which was that Emily herself basically put the kibosh on the whole idea not a month ago. But things, it would seem, have changed. Several weeks ago internet sleuthers started to notice a curious trend: the Bachelorette was holding concentrated casting calls in the Deep South; namely the Carolinas, Tennessee and Georgia. That by itself was not that suspicious, even two of Ben's girls, Emily and Kacie B.,are both from the Carolinas and Tennessee, respectively. So I didn't just ignore people predicting Emily would be the Bachelorette, I dismissed them outright.

But last night a source I have corresponded with for over 5 years told me, and others, that Emily had indeed drunk from the cup of Mike Fleiss' Kool-Aid vat and agreed to take the role. This source does not always get Bachelor info but when they do its always been right. I'll give you an example: a full three weeks before Reality Steve recanted his pick for Brad's season, this source told me flat out that Steve was wrong and Emily and Brad were engaged, not Chantal and Brad. She went public with that info a week before Steve was forced to recant.

I've seen many people react to this news the last 24 hours and its been universally negative. True, Emily was made to look about as exciting as a bag of cement on Brad Womack's season as the Bachelor. If she were to appear on her own as she was depicted, this season would be billed as The Bachelorette: Virgin Mary Edition. But those who know better understand the way this show shoehorns people into the roles they have chosen for them and the result is that absolutely everyone comes off looking like a one-dimensional cartoon character: vixen, bitch, sweetie-pie, virgin, drunk. Emily, at least, got to be shoehorned as a living angel, instead of many others who get edited as drunks or soulless bitches. Regardless, she's ratings gold for Fleiss and ABC both, and they know it. So, come this summer, I'll bring the pork rinds and you bring the cheese grits. We'll hope Emily brings the beer and leaves Ricky Tick back at the Hendrick's Sugar Palace.

Sonoma, Ca.

Apparently Mike Fleiss failed to pay the rent on the Bachelor Mansion because this week we open with Harrison evicting the women at the Mansion door and heading them out to Ben's hometown of Sonoma, California. There we see Ben wandering around with Sonoma with his dog and showing off some teeny tiny legs. No, that's Ben, not the dog. He must be on the Brad Womack Upper Body Only workout plan. As Ben navel gazes his way around the streets of the town, he gets to play the small town boy card and tell us the women are coming there so they can understand what a major stud muffin he is, or something like that. He owns a wine label; did you know that ladies? I sure did. Not that he owns the vineyards or anything, but he owns the little paper label that goes on the bottles. Good enough.

The women are shuttled into the resort in what looked like 1940 Packards while Ben wonders what his dad would say to him if he knew he had 18 crazy-assed hotmesses coming to meet him. He'd high-five your ass like any dad would Ben; quit asking stupid questions and let's get this going. Since the Wingman is busy dodging the Malibu Sheriff for skiving off on the mansion rent, Ben handles the welcome wagon duty and drops the datecard down. We hear that Sweetie Pie Kacie B. is up first.

A Walk Down Sonoma Lane

Thus begins the producer's best efforts to get the audience to hate Courtney the Sharktress. Courtney sneers that she would like to see Kacie get dumped because she's "kinda annoying." Yeah; cute, decent, sincere; yeah she's a real whore, Courtney. Anyway, darkness falls and the women all lounge around the rental pool and Kacie says its really intimidating to get the 1 on 1 because, "You have to get the rose or you're going home." On the first date? C'mon Kacie, study the tapes. You wouldn't be going home if you shot Ben's dog. Regardless, Ben shows up in slacks and a coat, and Kacie sets the 1 on 1 date trend for the night by sporting shorts and cowboy boots. Ben drives her around Sonoma and then waltzes her about town. Just to prove his Renaissance Man chops, they crash a hotel and mime playing the piano. Not to be left out of the cultured, artsy fartsyness, Kacie grabs a baton some producer stashed in a local candy store and twirls it around proving she's the Tennessee equivalent of Donatello. Kacie marches him down the street like a drummajor and they head into an old theater to watch home movies. Ben gets to see her baton twirl as a tyke and she gets to see him cry watching movies of his departed dad. Pretty good stuff. They make out and then head to dinner where she gets the rose that was never in doubt. Date over.

The Gingerbread Whore in Kiddie Land

Meanwhile back at the rental, a date card has arrived and Pig Snout Jacklyn reads off the names of Granny Panty Brittney, Chain Smokin'Rachel, Jennifer the Red, Boom-Boom Blakely, Dr. Emily, Jenna, the Insane Blogger, Soccer Mom Shawn, Bi Monica, Samantha the Pageant Queen, Nurse Jamie, Narrator Nicki, and herself to come "Play with me." All right, Stormhorse; settle down. The women all act like they've been chosen to be the next contestant on The Price is Right, like always. Boom-Boom, winding herself up to be this episodes Guest Bitch, correctly scowls, "Girls are getting excited about going on a date…with the other girls basically." Hey you, Monica is on this date and I'm sure she's damned excited about going on a date with you, Blakely. Always ready to kick a person when they're down, spoilers have hit the net that Blakely used to "date" Greaseball Wes Hayden. Why am I not the least bit surprised. When are we gonna' stop kidding ourselves? Every woman who appears on this show should be required to wear a sign around her neck that says: "Wes Hayden Was Here or Soon Will Be!" Maybe that's why they skipped on the Mansion this season; a de-sanitizing crew is in there trying to get Hayden's DNA off every surface of the place. That'll take months.

Anyway, Ben meets 12 of the remaining harem in a Sonoma park and introduces them to the best playwrights he knows: ultra-precocious kids. Ugh. Turns out the kids, (not a producer-maggot) have written a fairytale and need the women to audition. Someone should have told Boom-Boom. She arrives in a skintight romper with her juggs spilling out everywhere. They ask her to dance around and she has to tug her romper up under her chin to keep from ruining some childhoods. The only thing missing was the stripper pole and some AC/DC blaring out the parks loudspeakers. The little girls weren't impressed but the little boys looked ready to give her an Oscar. Next, Narrator Nicki is asked to perform a sexy dance by one brat (These kids must have seen the pics of her dancing on the bar at the Dizzy Rooster.) but she demurs and makes like a watersprinkler or something. Jennifer the Red makes like a weasel and the rest are basically asked to make fools of themselves and they comply as Ben laughs at them, not with them.

They head to the community playhouse while back at the rental the produces continue to urge me to hate Courtney as she arrogantly informs Lindzi the Misspelled and Erika the Dress Filler that her connection with Ben is more real than theirs and she wishes Lindzi the worst. Courtney rubs it in and acknowledges the painful truth that Ben wants to jump her. This prompts Erika to stop filling her dress a moment and all but acknowledge that Courtney is miles hotter than she is.

Back at the playhouse, the girls are outfitted with their costumes. Blakely takes a moment to flash her girlfriend, Bi Monica, and Samantha cattily asks, "What do you get when you cross a Gingerbread man and a hooker? Blakely!" They make it to the playhouse in costume since Fleiss has dragged half of Sonoma there to watch them perform. Ben, helped on by his Prince Valiant haircut, hams it up as the Prince of Hookerville or whatever, and the women perform their kiddie stuff. Standing out were Jennifer as the weasel, Nicki as a donkey and Samantha did a nice turn by wearing Jacklyn's nose; Jenna performs as the Wizard of Scizophrenia and for some reason Dr. Emily is a hippy? Nah, no kid wrote this. There haven't been any of those around for centuries. Anyway, proving you can't take the Stormhorse out of the man, Ben suddenly shows up dressed like a sheep while Bi Monica makes like a dragon and blows a party favor at him, he yanks his costume off to reveal sheep shorts. The producers artfully avoided shots of pissed off parents yanking their children to the exits as Ben parades around nearly naked.

Ben then hauls the women to the local Fairmont for a bikini pool party and so Boom-Boom can ramp up the whore meter. Jennifer the Red steps out and is congratulated by the women for doing the best at the show and she is highlighted as sweet, sane, and sincere. This plays her off against Boom-Boom Blakely who plays her vavoom as forward and agressive. Nicki continues to narrate as Samantha starts to hate all over Blakely and heads off to the bathroom to sulk. Ben sits with Boom-Boom and calls her "super grounded". Huh? By what measure is that? Blakely flirts shamelessly and mumbles over her porcelain veneers looking like, well, a Hooters Girl.

Meanwhile, back at the rental, the next date card has arrived. Sweetie Pie Kacie reads the card from Ben asking a thoroughly bombed Courtney to come play "spin the bottle" with him. Courtney takes the card and asks Kacie, "How did that taste coming out of your mouth?" Ouch. Kacie deflates.

Back at the Fairmont, the women have dressed down to their bikinis so the kidnapped husbands who are DVR'ing the National Championship Game so their wives can watch this crap, don't snatch the remote away and change the channel. Nicki continues to narrate as Boom-Boom gets blasted and prepares to whore it up. But before she can, Jennifer the Red takes Ben aside and tries to get me to fall in love with her. Sweet, sane, and sincere-acting, Jennifer gets Ben alone in a private pool and Stormhorse jumps her. They make out and an ebullient Jennifer lets us know how happy she is. But the second Ben emerges, Blakely jumps him in the pool and they make out while Pig Snout Jaclyn and a crushed Jennifer spy on them. Jacklyn sides with Jennifer and announces, "Blakely is super fakely!" She rags Boom-Boom for acting like a ho to get the rose. As the evening comes to a close, Ben sits them down and offers up the rose to "Someone who owned the day and night" and he hands the flower to Blakely while the audience screams "No!" Jennifer cries in a P.I. Shit move, Stormhorse.

Ben's "Son" Joins Him and Courtney

Ben picks Courtney up and Sweetie Pie Kacie sends her off with a "You're not a nice person." Ben takes her out for a ride in the woods to walk his dog. Courtney is properly attired in the 1 on 1 date uniform of the evening: cowboy boots and shorts. Ben clucks like a rooster and the dog howls while Courtney pretends its cute. They sit by a stream and Ben is stunned she is available. The dog starts whining and Ben covers the wet mutt with a blanket and to genius Courtney, this means he's father material. Ok. Courtney tries to smarm him up by I lose the train of conversation staring at her horribly puffed out, botox upper lip. Ben finally brings me back to earth by launching the first of several "Is she too good to be trues?" Why are the producers trying to get me to doubt this woman so much? No idea, but they are showing everything to make her look like trash, and nothing to make her look even remotely endearing. Ben takes her for a tractor ride and they walk the rented vineyards and have dinner while Ben gushes and then drops a few more "too good to be trues," while they eat. They compare dating histories and she says, "I even dated an actor, but…it fizzled." Hear that Jesse Metcalf? Courtney says you can suck it. Suck it hard! What's totally obvious is just how stunningly besotted with her he is. What this means? No idea, but the rose was an automatic.

Cocktail Party Crap

Ben marches in dressed in his limo driver outfit, while Courtney says she has a rose, so she'll just sit back and let the others shoot themselves in the foot. She does and they do. Lindzi the Misspelled gets first time to remind us she is there. The women cheer Ben's skinny tie but I hear the strains of My Sharona. Skinny ties? Since when? Anyway, that's the cue for Boom-Boom to get super agressive again, despite already having a rose. The producers, knowing Samantha hates Blakely, send the latter in to steal Ben. This prompts the formation of anti Boom-Boom sisterhood, and a pile of other girls rag her to pieces. The producers play the Jaws theme as Blakely tries multiple thefts and the women get angrier. They finally start calling her names and she heads to the luggage room and pretends to cry so Ben will come find her and Jacklyn sends her off with, "I don't want her horseface in my pigface!" or something like that.

While Blakely fakes crying, its time for our moment of zen. Ben takes Jenna, the Insane Blogger outside and before they can even speak, Jenna is shown in P.I.'s winding up to start a quick meltdown. They speak for a few seconds and Jenna stammers nervously and still hasn't completed a sentence in the last two weeks before the producers shove her over the edge by sending Pig Snout Jacklyn out for the steal. Jenna heads out and wisely decides to get thunderously shitfaced, since we know how well she handles alcohol. The producers kick and shove until the waterworks start and then Jenna heads for a bedroom to lie in a bed and cry for the rest of the night. Ben hunts down the fake crier to see she's not really crying and fishes the mental remains of Jenna out of the bed so Harrison can dart over from the set of his cancelled gameshow with his champagne glass and cheeseknife tinging.

Dump 'Em Danno!

Already safe: Sweetie Pie Kacie, Courtney the Sharktress, and Boom-Boom Blakely

Ben hits them with a bunch of insincere BS and then gets to work.
Roses:
1) Jennifer the Red. 'Bout damn time!
2) Dr. Emily--mighty quiet this week.
3) Elyse-silence is golden
4) Pig Snout Jacklyn--ok.
5) Erika the Dress Filler
6) Chain Smokin' Rachel--very quiet week
7) Lindzi the Misspelled
8) Nicki the Narrator
9) Casey S.--Total silence is platinum!
10) Samantha the Pageant Queen
11) Bi Monica
12) Nurse Jamie--too sane for us to see much of her
13) Granny Panty Brittney--ho hum.

Dumped: Soccer Mom Shawn--departs with so much dignity she is not even shown; and Jenna, the Insane Blogger. Jenna wanders the grounds and melts down like a candle on top of a nuclear reactor. "Are you kidding me? Are you really kidding me? I can't believe this is happening! No!"
I can just imagine the producer standing there with a copy of her psychological profile saying, "Seriously! We just got an emergency phone call teling us your father died." What douche bags.

Next week: Ben goes to San Francisco and Granny Panty Brittney appears like she's gonna' head out on her own and Shawntel Newton comes back to get humiliated. See ya then.