Bachelorette Recap June 2nd

Ok, first up--Mrs. B. is home from the hospital and doing well. So well in fact that we watched the bachelorette and I've got warn you in advance that some of my takes on this episode probably won't be with the majority. This blog is a guy's take, keep that in mind.

With that said, lets begin. Harrison greets the boys and reminds them that there is a rose on the line for each and every date this week. The boys, in a rare moment for this show, have actually come up with a good name for their house. The call their living quarters outside Dee's mansion The Outhouse. Ok, I can go with that. The Outhouse it is.

The first date is Richard, Bill Nye the Science Guy. He gets a one-on-one. DeAnna takes him to dinner and he makes some intelligent-sounding chat and they seem to have a nice time. But constant voice overs and private interviews all but telegraph the fact that Dee thinks this guy is friend material only. A final ride in Cinderella's coach cements the deal and halfway to their destination Dee orders the coach to the side of the road and performs the atomic mega-dump on Bill Nye. The only way this could have been worse is if Dee had shoved him out onto the pavement. She turns on some eye-rain while she does it but the guy truly looks shocked and blindsided. This guy actually looks really hurt at being dumped. Gotta feel for him. Dee assures us that after what happened to her, she wasn't going to string someone along. Hey, if she wasn't feeling it, what can you do? But I get the sneaking suspicion that this is one dump she will later say was the right thing to do, but will probably regret it. Bill Nye seemed a nice fella--and those are at a premium. He made her laugh. He was good looking. You gotta feel for the guy.

The next date box arrives and all the remaining guys get called out and fitted with cowboy boots. All except Jason the babydaddy. He knows he's the other one-on-one of the week and looks nervous at the thought. The remaining lads go line-dancing with Dee and look pretty goofy learning the 'ol ho down. Dee, of course, looks like a beautiful, in-shape woman in tight jeans--in other words: GREAT! The guys then do some bull-riding and fall on their asses a bunch. Jesse, the stoned snowboarder manages to hang on the longest and gets some private time with Dee. He pulls out his serious side by talking about farting under the covers. Very serious stuff is cutting one under the blankets, but only if you trap the lady under the blanket and make her inhale it like I do with Mrs. B. Anyway, Dee appears charmed at his bravery to admit he farts--a rose is all but assured. Ah, true wuv!

It's at this point that the most controversial stuff occurs. Dee takes Ron, the pissed off divorced guy for a walk and confronts him about getting on Jeremy the Orphans ass for getting two consecutive weeks in the mansion with her. Whoa! Hold on! Dee says "I heard..." Ok, from where?! Who ratted? Did Jeremy go crying to her or was this producer interference? We never find out. But here's your double standard folks. Last season on the Bachelor did Matt ever go run interference to Shayne or any of the other girls about Robin, who was being mercilessly picked on? Nope. As a matter of fact, we have never been given any inkling that any of the Bachelors ever know what cattiness is afoot unless a suitor tells them. Dee's sudden knowledge is never explained. And Ron the pissed-off divorced guy doesn't appreciate her interference either. Neither would I. Although editing makes Ron look like a goon with a temper problem I notice that all the other lads seem to think he's right that Jeremy is an arrogant candy ass. Jesse even gives him a bump when he tells Jeremy he's 'lacking'. This smells like more than cattiness, folks. Let me give a caveat to my next observation: I do not know Ron anymore than I actually know DeAnna. He may be a saint or a wife-beater, I have no idea. But I'm sending him some props. He didn't try and smooth it to Dee over this. He basically told it was none of her damn business--which it wasn't. He didn't smarm her or kiss her ass--he told her it was between Jeremy and himself. Props to Ron the pissed-off divorced dude! It was refreshing to see a suitor on this series actually let the Bachlor(ette) know that the sun does not rise and set out the crack of their ass.

Then in another moment of non-doormat behavior, Robert the Chef tells the boys if he doesn't get private time, skip the rose, he'll head home. He actually seems to mean it too. He was drunk but he seemed sincere. Props to the Chef! He may wear polo shirts like he's about to audition for a George Michael video but the boy called his shot. He then gets Dee alone and makes his pitch. He gets the cowboy date rose. Bully and argh!

This all leads us to a yet another reminder that Jason the babydaddy has a son. Ok, we get it. This is the equivalent of someone announcing they are a virgin--we're going to be reminded of it every five seconds. We even see him on the phone with his son. This is a first in my memory--a suitor actually gets to contact a loved one. This takes us to the one-on-one date. Dee takes Jason by helicopter to a dinner-date where Jason finally tells her he has a kid. Dee, to her credit, doesn't even hesitate. She takes the news well and they look at pictures. He asks her about her mom and Dee practically takes us through a blow-by-blow recap of her mother's death. It's one of the more real moments in the history of this franchise and bodes very well for Jason's future here. A rose is a certainty and he gets it.

the second group date has the men traveling to meet Ellen Degeneres and not to outdone by the Bachelor, the Bachelorette now insists on humiliating the suitors by having them drop trou in front of a lesbian talk show host. If the producers told me to do that I would have flashed her my nads. She wouldn't have been impressed or even appreciative but if I'm going to humiliate myself like a real Bachelor candidate I'll do it on my own terms, thank you very much. The guys all dance (badly) and Ellen pow wows with Dee. Ellen then shows the wisdom of someone who's been in a few relationships by picking out a few details of the guys. The most perceptive one is her observation that Graham the Confused is absolutely terrified. I wonder if Graham tickled Ellen's gaydar like he does mine? She probably has a pretty good one.

Ellen then tells the boys that she's handing out the rose and makes them wait for it before she hands it over to Fred, the ugly dude. Now Fred's not really ugly exactly but he...well, he looks like a normal guy trapped in moisturizer hell with a parade of male models. So I'm going to call him Fred, Da Bears! to go with his Chicago accent. Anyway, Fred hit Dee with some pretty heartfelt balloon juice about how he feels about her and it was actually pretty good. He gets the rose from Ellen for his troubles.

This leads to the FRC, or as I'll call this one, Ron, the pissed-off divorced dude's last stand. Two pretty significant things happened at this RC. One, Graham the Confused has a talk with Dee about his hesitancy to open up and its obvious this will be a major theme and Ron the divorced dude comes as close to any suitor I've ever seen in bachelor(ette) history to telling the he/she dream that they can keep their rose. This got really hard to decipher with all the editing and you could practically sense a producer dangling a copy of a contract, complete with legal threats, in front of Ron's nose. He started off by telling Dee that he woke up that morning feeling like she wasn't the one for him. He backs off that but does absolutely nothing to back up his insincere words that he has changed his mind. Personally, I thought he was begging to leave and was going to no matter what. The producers, showing a touch as deft as a crowbar, send Jeremy out to steal Dee away. She can be heard(?) muttering "thank you" to Jeremy as he walks her away. Funny though that when Ron gets the inevitable boot, all the other men embrace him like a fallen brother. Could a bunker mentality be starting to take hold of these guys?

Like I said earlier: Ron may be a psycho, I have no idea, but it was pretty damn refreshing to see someone on this series actually behave like they have some self worth. The Ceremony plays out exactly as you would expect...with one exception: Paul from Liliput gets the boot and Twilley the weirdo soldiers on. Didn't see that one coming.

Ok, it looks like next week that DeAnna has a meltdown and accuses the guys of not being serious about her. Bunker mentality? Maybe. Or maybe they were inspired by Ron's refusal to be a doormat? We'll see. But I do want to leave you with this. Jeremy is a smarmy little pansy and I really may be wrong about Graham's gaydar but something damned screwy is going on there. After seeing Bill Nye, a guy Dee said, "Makes me laugh," who is undeniably intelligent, handsome, and deeply committed to his job as a teacher, get dumped on a sidewalk, its hard to feel bad that she thinks the rest aren't trying hard enough.

Oh, are they ever going to let Brian the football coach speak or did that particular Malibu Ken model not come with a voice box? Creepy.

Until next time.

Delay

Friends,

Mrs. B. is in the hospital for some elective surgery so this weeks blog on DeAnna and her boy toys will be delayed until she gets home and we can watch it together. (All say "ahhhhhh" together). trust me, I'll be skinned if I watch it alone. The analysis blog will be up just as soon as I can see it.

Captain Barbarossa.

Bachelorette Recap--5/26/08

Man, are men boring or what? Other than the occasional stalker or serial killer we could cure insomnia. Crazy women make for better TV than narcissistic men. Either DeAnna picked a load of stiffs or...well, we men are boring as all hell. I kept waiting for a melt down of some sort. I mean they always have them on the Bachelor. The women go crazy, turn on the eye rain and freak the hell out. Men are usually good for a drunken brawl at least. Not with this crew. After watching these stiffs meander around I thought DeAnna was going to give the rose to Tommy Lasorda, and I was gonna cheer her on too.

But before that we get to see what I actually consider a pretty decent innovation: The three guys who got first impressions roses from the week before get to move in and stay with DeAnna in the big house, while all the rest stay down in a bunk house. They went too far with the idea by making the guys shower outside in the buff but the thought of actually putting the Bachelor(ette) together with the ones they are most interested in so they can, oh, I don't know, fall in love or something, seemed like a good idea. Or at least it would have been if we had gotten to see what actually went on in this house between them. What moron came up with this idea then didn't think the interaction was worth seeing? It was better to look at Paul from Lilliput's bare ass?!

Anyway, the guys all play meet and greet with wingman Harrison out in front of DeAnna's chalet and all but the three dudes who scored roses early last week Richard(Science Guy), Jeremy (Orphan guy), and Jesse(stoner dude) will be living in a communal bunkhouse all together. Decent. The wingman, in his own creepy way, revels in booting the loser guys from last week out into the rustic house.

The first group date was a trip to a magic shop with seven of the guys. The date sounds likes fun: a magic show in a fun house. Not too shabby. But it is boring! Gawd. Only the trick piano drowning out Sean the karate boy's pompous banter was cool. Twilley, who set off the weirdo meter last week, breaks the damn thing with some asinine myth tale that had DeAnna begging him to stop. Dad-of-the-three-year-old Jason got some quiet time alone with Dee but nearly choked on his tongue when it came time to tell her about his boy. Jason must be new to the single dad pick-up scene because 3 year-old son's are chick magnets! Don't believe me? Have a decent-looking single dad go to a park with a cute son. You might as well hang up a sign that says, "Free Diamond Rings!" The women will swarm. This guy needs to man up.

Paul, the munchkinland midget, shows some chops and gets the early rose while Ryan, the obnoxious football-playing virgin got punk'd. A 28 year-old male virgin!? That just means the guy has a P.H.D. in masturbation...or somewhere a family sheep is pining away for it's master. What a candy ass! Think I'm being too hard on our virgin? Look at it this way: Billy Graham, Mohandas Gandhi--two pretty righteous dudes--both were married fathers at Ryan's age of 28. 'Nuff said.

The one-on-one date this week is Graham, who takes Dee to the beach to demonstrate that kite flying is not like riding a bike--you do forget how. The kite augurs in just like Graham tries to. He tells Dee he is 29 and has had one real relationship in his entire life. This, for some strange reason, sets off alarm bells in Dee's mind. Not exactly the He-man woman lover's club around here, is it? Graham is threatening to set my gaydar off, and it seems Dee got a tickle of her own because she challenges him pretty straight up. But Graham pulls it out with some deep sensitive stuff I don't remember. By the end, its pretty clear Dee digs this guy.

Next, Dee takes the remaining seven to Dodger stadium to demonstrate their awful singing voices and their complete ineptness in hitting a baseball. Dee trundles out Dodger legend Tommy Lasorda who puts the boys through their paces. They step into the cage and make like Jerry's Kids at the park. Frankly I've seen better swings on a playground. They moved the fence in just beyond the infield but they struggle to make contact. Lasorda, god bless him, tries to give them some pointers but soon gives up and basically tells them they're a bunch of losers. Finally, Jeremy the lawyer steps up and slaps a few little league dingers--not exactly the John Wayne Award for manliness because Jason's three year-old could have jerked a few over that fence--but it's better than the rest.

Dee hauls him away for some private time and he nearly breaks down and admits he's an orphan. Really? Dude, you're thirty. At some point we're all orphans if nature runs it's course. Get over it. But DeAnna, who lost her mom at twelve laps it up like honey. He gets the rose and another week in the house with Dee.

This pisses Ron the divorced guy off and he let's Dee know he doesn't appreciate it when the cocktail party gets going. The other guys don't think much of Jeremy and he's wearing the bullseye now. He makes it even worse by doing the old steal the Bachelorette away from someone when you already have a rose bit. Mrs. Barbarossa still loves the guy but the other fellas in the Meat Locker are less than impressed. Dee then encourages a push up contest to dispel the cloud of testosterone that's attempting to form in the house and Jesse the stoned snowboarder just edges out Brian the football coach for some special quality time with Dee. Jesse hams it up with some sensitivity about how he "can't be a snowboarder for ever". Sounds almost like a Broadway show tune, but she seems suitably impressed anyway.

The wingman makes a rare appearance and calls the festivities off. It's rose time.

Paul from Lilliput, Graham the Confused, and Jeremy the Orphan already have a rose and a place in the mansion next week. DeAnna comes out, drops the cliche bomb ("This is so hard!") and then hands out some roses.

The others are:

4) Ron--The divorced guy scores a rose for being...er...forceful, I guess.

5) Jesse the stoner--Could Dee be a closet bakehead?

6) Robert the Chef--This guy needs to stop pulling up the collar on his Izods. That went out in about 1988.

7) Brian the football coach--he seemed fairly nice and pretty much normal. Hmm, producers must be pissed.

8) Jason--Previews show him fessing up about his boy. Bout time too.

9) Fred--Score another one for ugly dudes! Damn, the guys who got cut must be major losers!

10) Sean--Bleh. Chuck Norris he ain't.

11) Richard--Bill Nye stays alive. Had we seen the interaction inside the house we might know if he stood a chance. What a waste not to show it.

Harrison perform the necessary calculations and let's us know, (in case we're blind or stupid), that only one rose remains.

12) Twilley--Holy Crap, Batman! Didn't see that one coming. I hope this guy comes with his own restraining order.

That means that Eric, the one-note Greek Guy with the huge honker who acted like it was his dream to chain Dee to his stove and make her prepare feta cheese for the rest of her life and, Chris, the ultra-bland sales rep who can't hit batting practice pitching, and Ryan, the in-your-face-virginal Christian, get dumped. Eric and Chris get pissed and preen while Ryan tells us he's a virgin again. No shit, Sherlock. Wonder why.

Dee meanwhile, has a mini-meltdown after dumping them. Hey! That's the boy's job now Dee. God this might get ugly. Give her an ouzo, wingman.

Next week: the whole gang goes on a rodeo adventure and a "Terrible mishap occurs!" i.e. Dee bumps her head. Jason finally admits he has a kid, and Ron the divorced dude and Jeremy have words...or slapfight or something.

Until then, argh!

My Big Fat Greek Reality Show

Oh, dearest readers, your favorite old pirate has committed the unpardonable sin (in bloggerville that is) of trying to have a life. Don't worry, it failed. Regardless, due to unexpected missions of looting and pillaging...or something... I haven't posted in a while.

Frankly I just didn't have the energy to write about the last installment of the Bachelor. Watching Shayne Lamas capture the heart and gonads of Mr. Wanker was similar to catching fibromyalgia, exhausting and stupefying all at the same time. Nothing like watching some bleached blond, super-materialistic girl born with a silver spoon in her mouth capture the heart of some bonehead. It was, to say the least, uninspiring. But I do apologize anyway...to Mrs. B and to my son-in-law (who are the only people reading this.)

The good news, or bad depending on your point of view, is that everyone's favorite heartbroken Greek, DeAnna Pappas, is back and on the prowl. If you didn't catch the one...or forty times Chris Harrison mentioned it, DeAnna was on the Bachelor before. The one where that tool from Texas dumped her and giggling Jenni at the end because he had a girlfriend in Texas he needed to go dump or something like that. Anyway, due to the inexplicable intervention of Ellen Degeneres and the writers strike, DeAnna has been made the Bachelorette and it's her turn to be in the catbird seat and dump at least 24 of 25 guys.

The evening begins when Harrison greets DeAnna in front of the exact same house she lived in when Brad dumped her on national TV. Everything looks exactly the same...except DeAnna. Who's barely dressed in some beautiful gown cut down to her pubes in the front and looks to have dropped about ten or so pounds in the interim. I liked DeAnna before but holy goodnight, Batman, Boner ahoy! There'd better not be any real men in this group or this will be the shortest TV show in history! Man, what a brawl this should be.

Ahem...no, not exactly. Twenty-two, hair-geled metrosexuals, one oyster farmer who couldn't get laid in a Vegas brothel, one single dad, one stoned snowboarder (is there any other kind?) and one football coach pull up in limos. They ran some film of these guys getting ready before they show up at the Meat Locker, and a more narcissistic, self-involved bunch of nancy-boys you'll never meet. Ok a few of them seemed alright but come on! Some loser actually told us it takes him ten minutes to gel his hair...and then he shaves his chest! Somewhere Grandpa Barbarossa just rolled over in the shallow grave Grandma probably buried him in. Since when do men need ten minutes to gel their hair? Men use hair gel? Is this from the same species of people who stormed Normandy Beach!? Gawd, the things I learn on TV these days.

Anyway, the whole time DeAnna was greeting her stud farm, I kept expecting to see a chair come flying through the window behind her with an accompanying shout of, "It's on, you motherf@ckers! Last one standing gets her!" That would have been cool but I am sadly disappointed. All that booze, 25 guys, and one chick...and no fight? Gawd, what's this country coming to? Anyway, they all try to schmooze her and then get ushered inside.

A few stood out:

Greg--unfortunately he stood out for being insane. Dee obviously felt the insanity coming from him and she cut him. The guy freaked out and did a Hulk Hogan on his shirt after she dumped him. Roid rage anyone?

Jason--Single dad of an incredibly cute kid. I hope he's a player...we'll see. Also presumably divorced.

Jeremy--I had to hold Mrs. Barbarossa down every time he was on. Evidently a hottie.

Jesse--Stood out by having long greasy hair and the fashion sense of a homeless bum...he seemed pretty funny though. Acted like he'd burned a fatty right before the show.

Sean--did some karate but that coolness was offset by the fact that it looks like he gets his hair cut at the same place as Trump. He did kick a piece of fruit off the stoner's head though.

Graham--Stood out by being listed as a pro basketball player and then never mentioning it when he talked with DeAnna about his career. He also had one of those carefully sculpted scruffy face things that make me want to punch men. Either shave or grow a beard!

Luke--Stood out by being an ugly little oyster farmer. DeAnna's about a light year out of this guys league.

Chandler--Stood out by being a wuss. The guy nearly cried when Dee cut him. I'd slit my wrists. To be called a wuss in this group is like being inducted into the wussy hall-of-fame!

Fred--Stood out for being just plain damn ugly. He got a rose though. Score one for ugly dudes!

Richard--A science teacher with no self-esteem. He got an early rose but I get the feeling Dee would like a little confidence in a man. Seemed nice but he's probably toast.

Paul--Stood out for being the height of a citizen of Munchkinland. Come on, Dee's not even tall! He also stood out for having Dee's name branded across his underwear. (Insert your own joke here.)

Donato--stood out for being a drunken douche bag. Cut instantly. He should have shoved panties in her pocket.

Ron--Another divorced dude--and honest about it too. It earned him a rose. Wouldn't it be nice if the women on the Bachelor got the same courtesy instead of being treated like pariahs?

Anyway, Dee kept most of these guys. She also kept a few who were never shown speaking. Guess what that means.

Anyway, many apologies again...the pirate is back and he's here to stay. Until next week!

Bachelor 3/31--Spray Tan in a Can: The Further Adventures of the Dalai Lamas.

Can we stop pretending yet? Do any other girls in the hen house even matter as anything more than drama filler? Is Matt Grant English? I've forgotten. Other than a Union Jack hanging in one of the bedrooms and the producers insistence that the girls play rugby instead of football, this show is no different from any other with one exception. That exception is Shayne Lamas--an "F" list celebrity who looks and acts more like a porn star than an real actress.

But I suppose it doesn't matter. The Bachelor, hard to swallow in the best of times, is becoming damn near unwatchable. I couldn't tell you a total of five things about any other girl in the house (combined) besides the Dalai Lamas. I guess we just need to play out the string and see where this goes.

Where it starts is with the wingman holding court at the hen house and letting the women know what this week's dates look like. He announces a group date and two, one-on-one's. The first one-0n-one leads to us to Mann's Chinese Theater for a shameless plug of some chickflick starring "McDreamy" from Grey's Anatomy. The date box is supposed to be a film can I guess, but it actually looks like a garbage can, which in this case is probably delicious irony. An interlude shows the Dalai Lamas saying, "If he sends me home, I'll just die!" We can only hope. Grant however takes Holly, the Goldie Hawn look-a-like instead, and the two of them head off for a completely staged red carpet experience complete with fake paparazzi and a few stooge reporters the network ordered their affiliates to send.

They plant their hands in cement just like real celebrities and then watch the film alone in the cavernous theater. Almost immediately you start to get the 'Buddy-Vibe' from these two. Grant nudges her with his elbow that's faintly reminiscent of a Monty Python gag. Obediently she cried during the films romantic climax, and it makes me shudder at what horror Fleiss inflicted on her to get her bawling. The cement cast they made at the theater doesn't go to waste either. Fleiss ships it back to the hen house so the other women can curse and spew all over it. The Dalai Lamas does everything but piss on it. Bleh.

Grant then drags Holly over to a hotel and gives her the old, "Maybe we're too comfortable with each other" line. I didn't know there was a version of that in merry old England. She responds with some lame shit about writing children's books. Children's Books?! Whats the matter, couldn't they find a professional kidney donor? Anyway, despite the persistent friend buzz, Hot Lips Grant drags her into the hot tub and smooches her. It has all the heat of kissin' cousins. But since she was a good sport about it, he gets up off the rose.

A "Sexy" Game of Rugby

Rugby, sexy? Not exactly. It's about as sexy as badminton but the press releases kept telling us that and they brainwashed me. And they certainly found the most un-athletic group of women they could find for it too. All except Chelsea--more on that in a minute. They all practice first with some butch-looking British woman while Grant ogles their asses. Or should I say arses? No matter. Grant watches them practice and the women roll around in the mud like he promised them a 'fiver' in the their g-strings if they get muddy enough. He is also somehow impressed by Robin the Bobbin, who...er, does something or other. I couldn't tell what but Hot Lips was definitely impressed.

Anyway, the game starts and we get an immediate feel of how things went. Despite the editing trying to hide it, you get the feeling Chelsea scored at will. Ashlee, the singer songwriter who must weigh 85 lbs. actually had the temerity (or insanity) to try and tackle Chelsea in the open field and has the cleat marks in her scalp to prove it. Chelsea promptly trampled her. Argh!"She ran me over like some kind of dude!" That's exactly what it looked like too.

Meanwhile back at the hen house, Holly and the Dalai Lamas powwow and it turns out Shayne is just "dying to tan!" Retch. Anyway, Holly actually brought a tanning machine with her. Right. The damn thing's the size of a pressure washer and she just happened to bring it along, eh? After Shayne hears this she and Holly do some completely impromptu naked spray tanning with the Dalai Lamas peeling her clothes off like her stage name is actually Mona Lott. The only thing missing was the funky seventies music and a guest appearance by Ron Jeremy. By the time they're finished Shayne glows in the dark.

Meanwhile back at the rugby match, Marshana gets elbowed in her formidable chops and actually bleeds...sort of...a little. But the lack of blood doesn't halt the Bachelor drama. Grant acts like she needs stitches and Marshana acts like she's been decapitated. Chelsea rags her pretty good for being a wimp and I start to absolutely love her for it. Marshana sits on the sidelines trying to hog Grant's attention while wearing a ice pack on her huge lip bigger than the one in the arctic . In hindsight, I can't believe Fleiss didn't call an ambulance. Hehe, oh the cheese. Anyway Chelsea's team wins the match (surprise, surprise.)

Grant takes the women to "his" house as a reward for the efforts on the rugby pitch. Two Masseuses are waiting to give the girls a rubdown and give them an excuse to disrobe. Marshana, either reading off a cue card or demonstrating a room temperature I.Q. , informs us that she "likes Matt even more for getting us a masseuse." Zzzzz. Grant pops up in a one-on-one interview and proves his limeyness by sporting second degree burns on his face from February sunshine. Hahah, Malibu in July? This guy would make like a vampire and become ashes. He chooses 3 pack-a-day Kelly, already half-drunk, to go and get the first massage with him. Not content with oodles of dirty innuendo, she climbs atop him and give him some dirty rubbin'.

Chelsea, obviously expecting the rose, baits the girls into all but admitting she should get it. You get the feeling by the way they talk that she did look like Red Grange but now the producers decide the time has come to crown a queen bitch for the season. And that bitch is Shayne--but we aren't supposed to think that. It's actually Robin the Bobbin because she's Gasp! competitive! He gives the rose to Robin who must have scored a lot on the rugby pitch...or not. 3 pack-a-day, now slurring and looking like trailer trash, mumbles something derogatory about Robin. Chelsea says, "I think I deserved it." She did. Nice move producers.

Winery and a Bimbo.

Grant now moves to pick up the Dalai Lamas for her pole dancing lessons, I mean winery date and he arrives in someone else's Maserati to do it. Shayne, dressed like she's a member of ABBA, piles in to the car and off they go. Grant does his best to act coy about his true feelings for her but the guy ain't foolin' this pirate. The girl is hot--Grant knows it--she knows--and that's that! He corners her and forces her to admit that her dad is Lorenzo Lamas. She tells him, "You won't know who he is." Turns out, Grant didn't. Fleiss should have hired Billy Crystal to come floating in with the white wig and the snowy ascot going, "Shayne, dahling! You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous!" She talks about coming from multiple broken families and basically says she's not ready to get married yet. Grant says, "She's not just a beautiful actress. There's a lot more to her." Yeah, whatever. Under duress, she admits to being high-maintenance and then cops to having more shoes that Imelda Marcos. She's into,"cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses, and watches." Grant thinks she's joking. Idiot.

Back at the hen house, Bobbin yammers non-stop and apparently her irritating banter is enough to send Amanda over the edge and she gets the meeps. I wish they would show us something--anything!---about Amanda besides her hiccuping.


Shayne and Grant cuddle up at the winery and he slips her the rose. She treats him like he's Houdini because he stashed it behind a pillow. I can't figure out whether or not she's drunk again or just a moron. Don't suppose it matters anyway, she gives Grant a boner and that's all that does.

Rose Ceremony

Part two of the Robin is an asshole preview for next week. This weeks setup is to trample Robin down into small enough bits to show her as "the girl everyone hates." But before they get going destroying her character for her, Chelsea gets a pretty hot kiss and Noelle, (Yes!) sheds some tears and acts sweet and sane. (Get rid of her). Amy (Who?) has a few precious seconds with Grant before Robin steals him away--despite already having a rose. Three girls all storm out and snatch Grant away from Robin as next weeks set up gets firmly under way. All the girls jump on Robin and she says something nasty and Chelsea warns her she's going to "get smacked in the face." Gulp! I can practically see Robin's head rolling off her shoulders. Then Kristine talks with Grant. (Who!?) Is there a girl named Kristine on this show? Holly, who already has a rose as well, snatches Grant away but is never branded a bitch. That makes sense. Unless it doesn't.

The wingman arrives and clears the joint out and it's rose time:
1+2+3) Early roses: Holly, Shayne, Robin.

3) Madam Hiccup. And she doesn't meep.

4) Ashlee--rewarded for having Chelsea's foot print branded into her forehead.

5) 3pack-a-day. He likes his women loaded.

6) Chelsea. Damn straight!

7) Noelle--wish I knew something about her. She seemed really nice--two weeks ago.

Harrison consults his star charts and let's us know its the last rose of the night.

8) Marshana--the token lives on!

Cut: Amy (who?) , Erin the hotdog-vendor-dude, and Kristine (who?)

Exits this week have a few tears but they appear to be more about self-pity than any great sense of loss.

Next week: Robin gets crowned: Queen Bitch of the Universe! Argh!

Bachelor Recap 3/24--The Shayne Lamas Show!

Dumb 'ol me. I thought this was supposed to be a cheesy reality-dating show. I missed the part that said The Bachelor is now a pilot episode of The Exceedingly Tedious life of Shayne Lamas. It could also be a new show called Blonds Behaving Badly but I think there already one of those called Rock of Love. Personally, I watch this train wreck on the off chance that lightning may actually strike and a love match might occur. Nobody told me I was going to have to sit through Paris Hilton: The Early Years. Oh well, glad I caught up on all those limey phrases to prepare myself to watch a Malibu bleach blond strut around and throw pity parties. Hell, I can see that down at the local mall. So much for British phrases and apparently, so much for Matt Grant. He's practically an extra. But the show must go on. I guess.

Fashion Show:
This week opens with the wingman visiting the hen house to let the girls know the score for the week. There is two group dates with two early roses on the line. One group is destined for a fashion show and with the one hour time limit imposed by ABC we are whisked away to the limo where the British Leghorn is already in full dating mode. Accompanying him are: Erin H. (The dark-haired one), Amanda, Marshana , Kristine, Ashlee--the singer/songwriter, Begora! Michelle, Holly--The Goldie Hawn lookalike, Noelle, and Amanda--Madam Hiccup. The rooster leads his hens to a fashion show and tells them they're the show then stands there like a jackass and claps as they strut their stuff. The show is a snooze except for Ashlee, who for some odd reason is sporting hair like she's married to a televangelist, and Amanda, who removes her jacket to show Grant her non-existent chest. Zzzzzzzzzz.

The show over Grant leads them to an apartment where they're going to have a group orgy. Ok I lied about that but what the hell else is he supposed to do in a penthouse apartment with eight chicks? Nothing apparently. They have some individual conversations which should be really intimate with eight different girls in a 75 square foot room. Marshana is first to corner Matt and they have a talk about race. The Brits are reportedly cooler about interracial stuff than we are but we're cooler about using dentists than they are, so I guess it comes out in the wash. Anyway, Matt says all the PC crap you'd expect instead of the truth. Personally I can think of twenty-five black women I know who are betting looking than Marshana--starting with Halle Berry and working my way down to women I actually know. The trouble isn't that she's black, the trouble is she is damned unattractive. Nice forehead. Yeesh. Anyway, thanks to the Bachelor, race relations in America are cool for another night.

A quick cutaway and we're back at the hen house and the rest of the girls hear they are going to be going to Vegas for some gambling.

Then, back at the penthouse, in another instance of the musical theme of this season, Begora! Michelle sings a few lines to Matt. Her voice is ok but the song sounds like a five year-old wrote it. Gag. Then Ashlee, showing all the reticence evangelist wives are known for, snares Grant and sits on a bed with him in a small room off the main one. She then does everything but pin him to the bed. He finally kisses her but his body language says, "Yuck!" But then he shocks me by going and getting the rose and handing it over. "I gave her the rose because she was the most forward." Whoa, big fella, that's called chum in the water with this group. Ashlee then shows the restraint of a star athlete who's just scored the winning touchdown. She prances around like a six year old and does everything but ram the rose, thorns first, up the other girls' bottoms. Reticence indeed. Erin H. , who we've seen little of, slams Ashlee as a "young 22." She needs to hold on a moment. "Young 22" is about to be defined for her.

Vegas: Chelsea, Robin the Bobbin, Erin S.--Bruno, Kelly--Man voice, Holly--Goldie Hawn, Carrie, Amy, and Ta-Da! The Dalai Lamas! Yes, it's time for some drama. Shayne starts the outing by telling us that as far as Vegas, "She's been like, a thousand times!" How modest. You're not telling us that you've been raised with a ton of money are you, Dalai? I mean, I'm shocked. Turns out Shayne is going to be this seasons girl who can't deal with "the process". You know what I mean, the process of actually being on a show where she has to date one guy along with fifteen other girls. There's one of these every year and Shayne is this years winner. And after one whole-sorta-group date with one guy and a pile of other women she feels she needs "Time alone with Matt."

They start gambling at a roulette table and like an idiot with a lot of money and damn little sense, Shayne lays her whole bankroll on red. It comes up black and she's busted out right away. Learning from her lesson, Robin the Bobbin decides to play it safe--by not playing anything at all. That's exciting. Riveting T.V. Robin sits at the table with her thumb up her bum while others gamble. Kelly wins the most chips and gets Special Quality Time with Matt and shows off a three-pack-a-day voice. She slurs to us that Matt now knows she can hold her liquor. Hahah. She's bombed and sounds like Lucille Ball at eighty. Damn thats attractive!

Matt guides her back to the group where Shayne snatches him away and has a major meltdown. She accuses Matt of "keeping her as a fall back!" Spoken like someone who's used to calling the shots with guys. Grant, to his credit, slams her pretty good for her behavior and she acts contrite...until Matt turns his back. Then she locks herself in the bathroom and whines about "having feelings for Matt." It's been one and a half whole dates! She's been alone with Grant for probably thirty minutes and she's having feelings!? Never tell this girl was raised in Hollywood, eh? Anyway, she throws a poutfest and acts like a spoiled diva. And Erin and I thought Ashlee acted like a little kid.

Chelsea gets some private time with Matt and they have a nice talk and she talks about her great life but that she's lonely. It's a nice moment but if there's any chemistry between these two it escaped me. Matt seemed suitably impressed, however, and she gets the Vegas Rose.

Rose Ceremony:
The cocktail party starts with Bobbin and Matt sitting outside where they play some imaginary train game and he kisses her. The guy is racking up a pretty good total of smooches. And while he's recovering from the Bobbin, Marshana marches out and all but demands a kiss. Hey, it worked for Ashlee. Matt dances with her but never kisses her. He says, "The other girls were watching and I thought it would be inappropriate." Yeah, right. I guess that sounds better than, "I was mesmerized by her gigantic forehead and couldn't move!"

Carri, who last week earn the moniker of Bluto for eating a beer can sits with Matt and breaks out in some horrid opera singing. Don't get me wrong. Barbarossa thinks all opera singing is horrid but Carri sounds like she's giving birth to an ostrich, not singing. Had she stood up and left an egg behind it wouldn't have surprised me. Can-eating and opera singing--you can't say she's not eclectic.

Erin H. steps in and snarkily observes and that she needs to start singing if she hopes to get a rose. Hehheh. She deserves a rose just for that comment in my book.

At last we come to the Dalai Lamas who desperately apologizes for acting like a thirteen year-old in Vegas. Matt pops her about the acting and wonders if she's genuine. Shayne goes into recovery mode and the edit makes the whole thing sound like teen-diva surrenders to the Lord Grant. Hmm. Matt then privately confides that he isn't sure he can handle the "drama". But then our Leghorn makes the comment that might be his undoing--not just for the show but for the entire season--when he acknowledges that Shayne is "Out of my normal league." And there you have it faithful reader. Matt is thinking with his head all right. But its the smaller version. As a matter of fact, this thing may be over right now. The other girls...well there are a few who are attractive, and none of them are really ugly, but...there's a grand canyon divide in looks between Shayne and the others. We'll see.

The wingman makes his usual entrance and drags Matt away. The ceremony begins and the roses go to:
1--2) Ashlee and Chelsea. Then

3) Bobbin--The un-gambler knew when to hold 'em and when to play Vivaldi on the piano. I might have hope for her if the press release for next weeks show didn't call her, "The girl all the other girls love to hate!" Look out!

4) Holly--Goldie Hawn gets a rose but we barely saw her.

5) Erin S.--Transvestites unite! Like I said last week, she seems nice as hell--ain't that a bitch?

6) Amanda--Madam Hiccup tells us she calls her stress hiccups "The Meeps" then promptly "meeps" the second he calls her name. Hard to imagine waking up next to that every morning. Besides, where was her story this week?

7) Kelly--Chain-smoking drunks unite!

8) Amy--Who? Is there an Amy on this show? Where the hell did she come from?

9) Kristine--Who? Why do they insist on keeping so many girls when we don't even get to see them?

10) Marshana--The Forehead advances. Race relations throughout the world are healed.

11) Noelle--I liked her on night one but we barely saw her.

Enter wingman: "Matt, ladies, there is only one rose left. Erin, Carri--put down that beer can! And Michelle, as soon as he reads this next name off, hug everyone and get the hell out. Matt, whenever you're ready, give Shayne that rose.

12) Shayne--Naturally. She's in for the long haul whether anybody likes it or not and most probably won't.

Begora! Michelle has a mini-meltdown and seems to have a sick relationship with her cat. Argh!

Next week: Hell, Shayne does something. What else?

Bachelor Recap--3/18--The Redcoats are coming...and they want our women.

Ah, Bachelor cheese--how I love thee. Let me count the ways. Velveeta and tea--English tea that is. The last time it was Texas tea and we all know how Jed Clampett's season turned out, don't we? This time a British wanker by the name of Matt Grant is coming to America to try and molest some desperate women who think he's the catch of a lifetime.

True, the guy is tall. The same height as your fearless pirate is, but I don't have the killer accent or the dreamy-boy face which is why this character is talking with the weakest of wingmen in Malibu instead of me. Harrison meets him in a driving rain and it looks to be about ten below zero as well but the wingman's pipes are in mid-season form as he pummels us with superlative adjectives about the limey.

Speaking of Grant, he comes screaming up to his hen house in somebody else's Maserati. The big rooster crawls out and he and the wingman powwow in the back room. We get to hear for the twelfth time in twelve seasons just how serious the Bachelor is about finding a wife. He does seem to have a decent motivation, I must say. Turns out his dad is late in life and recently suffered a stroke and Grant says, "I'd be devastated if my dad never got to know my children...my family." Hmm, maybe unlike the last eleven guys the twenty-seven year-old Grant will actually be married before his thirty-fifth birthday...but I doubt it.

Anyway, its girl reveal time and the wingman dumps Grant on the stoop as the limos roll up. Several made a strong initial impression:

1. Amanda R. Very nice looking girl here. Tall, leggy brunette listed as an Account Executive. Seems nice too. Turns out later she's got some funky hiccup problem. Cute or annoying I'm not sure yet.

2. Chelsea--Girls like this drive me nuts. I can never quite figure out if women likes this are mannish or hot. (Maybe I've been on the pirate ship too long.) She does arm wrestle Grant later in the evening. Grant laughs it off saying, "I could have been the worst bachelor ever and slammed her!" But I looked at her back muscles bulging from her evening gown and I was wondering if she was going to break his limey arm off and feed it to him. Scuttlebutt says this gal might be in for the long haul. We'll see.

3. Erin S--Yikes! I'm not confused about this one--this chick is a man! A hot dog vendor indeed. She didn't arm wrestle Grant I noticed. The Producers must have been terrified she'd kill him. Shame too, she seems nice. Ain't that the way it always is?

4. Erin H.--Pretty brunette listed as an "event planner." Just what the hell is that exactly? Sounds like a professional bullshit artist to me. Anyway, Grant says he digs her and then makes her stew. She gets the last rose.

5. Robin--Katie Couric lite--when she was still perky instead of serious. Hmm, we'll see.

6. Rebecca--Double yikes! A thirty year-old lawyer they say. Looks like a typo. I think the "3" was supposed to be a "5". I've seen younger women in an old folks home.

7. Marshana--This seasons token black girl arrives in a dress that looks like she stole it from a drapery rod. Yuck. Despite the hideous ensemble she came across as classy and surprise, surprise, she actually makes it through. The black chick actually advanced. Imagine that? However, I did see the season previews and she did go all 'street sister' on another girl--and I think it was Chelsea, too! Gulp! So much for Marshana's I.Q. Gurl, Chelsea could break your bony ass in half with one mannish hand.

8. Stacey--The nights designated drunken-hobag. Slurs, puts panties in Grant's pocket, and passes out face down on a bed. Nothing like putting America's best foot forward.
9. Noelle--Pretty, classy and was shown relating a personal anecdote. Must mean she's around a while.
10. Michelle--The most striking thing about her was the contrast between her Red hair and creamy, white skin. I kept waiting for the leprechaun to come dancing out and start passing out the Lucky Charms. Later at the party she played the clarinet--very well, I might add but while an American might be impressed with an Irish lass would a Brit? He didn't need to come to Malibu to meet a white-skinned redhead.
11. Shayne--Word leaked out some time ago that the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas had lost her marbles and agreed to appear on the Bachelor. She arrives and is definitely a knockout but almost immediately began name-dropping, and though the editing tried to hide it, she got as drunk as a skunk too.
12. A whole passel-load of cookie cutter blonds. Don't ask. I couldn't tell one from another but one of them practically ate an aluminum can. Argh! Oh yeah, and one looked like Goldie Hawn but I'll be damned if I can remember which until I look in my notes.

With all the women herded into the hen house, the big rooster is kicked inside by the wingman with that shit-eating grin he's always wearing. Grant toasts and gets the night started. Grandma Rebecca starts booty popping saying "I wanted to get it started so I busted some moves!" I was relieved she didn't bust a hip.

But before you could blink the wingman, like some fruity Hermes, comes floating into the room and lays the First Impression Curs...I mean Rose on the table. The women eye it with watering mouths and Grant doesn't hesitate long. Amanda R., displaying hiccups like Lindsay Lohan at a Budweiser taste testing, huddles in the corner as Grant swoops down with the flower. We didn't actually see him talk to her much but the guy clearly has the hots for madam hiccup. This is the first time I can remember the first impression flower going to a girl who wasn't an A-hole too. Also a first, the other girls aren't seen hating all over her. Change of the luck of the F.I.R? Wire to wire winner? I doubt it but you never know.

Grant strolls about the room and I'll say this much for the guy. After all the robot Bachelors this guy actually has a sense of humor. He's funny. Good for him. He might be a world-class douche but at least he's funny. Credit where its due.

Other than some freaky singing and other humiliating antics designed to 'make an impression' the producers love to foist on the women, the balance of the night is spent watching women 'steal' Grant from each other and we get both barrels of drunken Stacey, who makes a supreme ass of herself.

Then a shape appears out of the rainy night and for a minute I think Michelle's leprechaun has finally arrived but it's just the wingman busting up the festivities. Grant makes some comments to his assembled harem before he goes to 'deliberate' and there's also no denying he's more eloquent than the last ten Bachelor's combined.

Rose Ceremony:
There are few to zero surprises (if you don't count the fact the black chick got picked.) And since even the wingman admits that they manipulate the order in which the flowers are handed out, you can tell nothing but who survives.
In order they were shown:
1. Amanda R.--F.I.R. Madam Hiccup.
2. Chelsea--He owes her a rematch.
3. Shayne--Are you even a little surprised?
4. Michelle P.-Begora!
5. Marshana--Token! Token!
6. Ashlee--She played a guitar and sang. She's also everywhere in the previews. Must stay a while.
7. Noelle--Zero surprise here.
8. Erin S.--Just say 'Sir'!
9. Amy--Who?
10--Carri--She ate the beer can. I'll call her "Bluto".
11. Kristine-- Blond.
12. Robin--Katie Couric.
13. Kelly--Blond.
14. Holly--Goldie Hawn!
15. Erin H.--Looked ready throw a fit until he called her last.

Well after a long winters nap, your favorite pirate is back on the job. See ya next time!