A Bachelor/Bachelorette analysis--Before DeAnna spills

Reader(s),

I think the time is ripe to take a cold hard look at the "reality show" we've all been watching called the Bachelor. The internet is rife with rumors and speculations about the show. There's nothing new in that. This show franchise has been a staple of internet boards since its inception. Whats different is the nature of these rumors. Countless former contestants, now far less terrified of ABC and the draconian gag order it imposes and the serf-like contract they're forced to sign, are spilling about the show. And what's spilling is not only illuminating, its downright seedy. Rumors have swirled for years that this show is largely scripted but for the first time we are getting first hand testimonies from insiders that what we've all been watching is just as scripted as we've all suspected. The sole remaining question seems to be: where does the scripting end and where does the (if any) romance actually begin?

The first thing we need to look at is the latest installment of the Bachelor. Bachelor Matt Grant, from London and the movie Firedrake, romanced 25 women and ended up picking Shayne Lamas, the daughter of 80's TV star Lorenzo Lamas. Grant, billed as a international financier, expressed nothing but skepticism about the true motives of the lovely Lamas during the show. However, two of the lady contestants who dared mention the fact that Grant himself was an acting wannabe and had made the film Firedrake, were unceremoniously dumped the first night. Grant was, after all, a financier who "worked with the rich and powerful of London", not an actor wannabe. Right.

When she was dismissed as the last girl to be dumped, Chelsea threw a fit and scoffed at Grant is disbelief about Lamas. Inside sources inform this old pirate that Grant spent much of his time with Chelsea, and her fellow final 3 member, Amanda, making disparaging remarks about Lamas and her singular lack of an I.Q. Wonder how this lovestory is going to work out? Find out here: http://www.nationalledger.com/artman/publish/article_272621006.shtml

And another one bites the dust.

Listen. I have no pretense about being a "journalist". I write this blog to make fun of people I think need it and to be a smartass but I think we owe it to ourselves to be honest about what we're watching. Truth is some people get powerfully drawn into this show and root for their favorites and hate on those they don't like. Nobody enjoys this vicarious pleasure more than your ol redbeard here but I think its time we took a reality check together. So lets see what we know and what we can piece together.

How do people get on this show? Well that varies. The show would love you to believe that people nominate worthy candidates who are really nice people who deserve love despite being wonderful and beautiful but just haven't met the right person yet. Some actually do get on the show like that, but most get recruited via the internet. Ok, not a problem. The internet is filled with lonely hearts sites trying to match up desperate singles. Uh, no. The most common route to get contestants on the show is by being recruited off their MySpaces. Hmmm? Why? Simple. Hottie's put their photos on their MySpaces and producers and the recruiting services they employ find them there. A great majority of the women who appear on this show have aspirations to be actors or performers. What better way to land a commercial or soap opera or whatever than to get some free face time on network TV? This is half of the reason this show never (or hardly never) produces a true love match.

The other half? Well that one's obvious, isn't it? The Bachelor's themselves, of course. Since this show first aired in 2002, there have been 12 Bachelors and now, two Bachelorette spin offs. (We'll leave current Bachelorette, DeAnna Pappas out of this for the moment.) That means: Alex Michel, Aaron Buerge, Andrew Firestone, Bob (blob) Guiney, Jesse Palmer, Byron Velvick, Charlie O'Connell, Dr. Travis Stork, "Prince" Lorenzo Borghese, Lieutenant Dr. Andy Baldwin, USN, Brad Womack, and Matt Grant have all tried their luck at this televised love lottery. Of these 12 men only two, (And I'm counting c-list actor Charlie O'Connell here--because at least he tried and had some luck) and pro fisherman Byron Velvick and his Rockyesque, perpetual fiance, Mary Delgado, have actually found love on the show. (Say what you want about the Velvick's but they have stuck it out when most couples would have quit.)

Taking a good-looking, successful, well-educated man and pairing him with twenty-five beauties of similar education and intelligence and seeing something develop shouldn't be this spectacularly unsuccessful. So why has it failed? Some people will whine now that marriage is hard; that finding the "one" is terribly difficult! Barbarossa, you're being unfair! First of all, kiss my ass. Next, lets take stock of what we know about marriage. Take a good look around you. How many people do you honestly know who reached their thirtieth, let alone fortieth, birthdays without hooking a spouse? C'mon, I'm not talking about your Uncle Bob, who wears the "I only came for the beer" t-shirt at family gatherings or your Aunt Bev who lives with twenty-six cats and has a 6 foot-tall bulldyke named Rose who is her "Best friend." I mean normal people. Yes, dear readers, even in this age of universal acceptance of everything including cannibals as an "oppressed minority' there is such a thing as normal. (If you don't agree with this; see my first point.)

We know these bachelors I listed failed to find love on the show, but just how many of them have not only found love, but have taken it to the next logical step of marriage in real life? Well out of these 12 puffed up popinjays one, only one, the notorious Blob Guiney, has actually gotten married. Blob married actress Rebeccca Budig in 2004. Of all twelve men, only Velvick had been married before he did the show and all of these men except Palmer are well over thirty and he's twenty-nine. That's twelve guys, combined age of almost 400 years, and a grand total of two marriages and one long engagement (two of them by Velvick). Wow, no wonder this shit doesn't work! My two sisters and I have been married more than all 12 of these jackoffs combined. My dad, Greybeard Barbarossa, 76 years-old, ties the whole bunch. He remarried after my mum died and managed both of them without the help of Chris Harrison. Wow, Pops Barbarossa 2; all Bachelor's combined 2. Lets all smirk at once, shall we? And this is supposed to be a show about marriage? Ha!

As I think we can see the truth is this show is about everything in the universe except marriage. It's about drama and its about entertainment...and thats fine. But I think the anecdotal evidence I looked up proves something else. The Bachelors are all from disparate backgrounds: One is a Italian "Prince" sort of, one is a pro fisherman, one a tire heir, two are M.D.'s, and one of those was an active duty serviceman. There are a couple of businessmen-types and one, Blob, is a 'character' about like Ace Ventura, I think. But there is one thing they all share in common: Commitment Phobia!

Mamma Barbarossa once told me that, "Any man not married by the age of thirty is a fairy!" That's a stereotype and like all stereotypes, it's unfair. But stereotypes are all grounded in about 85% truth as well. Mamma B's stereotype applied to the time she lived in and no longer applies now; people avoid marriage for a host of reasons today, not just homosexuality. Hell, homosexuals are the one clamoring to get married these days! But marriage, passe dinosaur that it is, hasn't really changed since ancient times. Its still a pledge and leap of faith to build a life with another person. The way we see marriage has changed however. Marriage now comes with an easy escape hatch if you're unhappy; a phone call to your lawyer generally does the trick. With Hollywood giving us all a shining example, people now change spouses like they change underwear--when they bother with either. Ancient Romans would fall down laughing at our rationale for marriage. They got married but would laugh if you told them they should be in love before they did it. They expected to be matched up by their parents, and then fall in love. Many did, many didn't but marriage has always been about commitment; something no Bachelor seems to possess. Lets face it, if you're young, pretty/handsome, educated, glib and successful, finding a spouse is about as hard as falling and actually hitting the ground.

I am afraid that in the final analysis it is we viewers who have the problem. Although I left behind any romantic notions about this show years ago, many haven't. We could still try romance if the producers wanted to, but they obviously don't. They would recruit more divorced people with proven records of commitment and they wouldn't arrange sham outcomes like Grant/Lamas if they really cared about love. They care about ratings. If we, the viewer, are aware of caveat emptor, then this is all about fun. When they start recruiting contestants off of match.com instead of MySpace maybe we can believe the producers are serious. Until then just know you're watching a pimped up soap opera and not reality and we can all enjoy.

Until next week when DeAnna explains why she dumped the guy she picked (yes, I have heard it from strong inside sources that this one is already over as well) Argh! If you'd like to dump on me or tell me I'm full of shit or whatever, leave a comment or let me have it at blastbarbarossa@gmail.com

Bachelorette Recap June 9th

Well, dear friends, tonight we continue on DeAnna Pappas's quest to get rid of every guy who really likes her. Last week, Richard--Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Paul, the Lilliputian Midget both got their walking papers. Dee covered this act under the guise of a mercy killing--although in the case of Bill Nye it was done with all the compassion of a gut shot, and finally Dee dismissed the resident alpha male, Ron, the pissed off divorced guy. Or more accurately, Ron refused to be a suck ass and dismissed himself. Regardless, after eliminating what was arguably the two nicest guys in the house, Dee is left with:
1) Fred, Da Bears!
2) Robert, the Chef
3) Twilley, the weirdo
4) Sean, the karate boy
5) Jason, the babydady
6) Jeremy, the orphan
7) Brian, the football coach
8) Jesse, the stoned snowboarder
9) Graham, the Confused

The wingman leads off the show by telling the boys about the dates for this week. A one-on-one date, a two person date where someone gets dumped, and a group date at a racetrack. But before the dates, the wingman tells the boys that they will have to earn the one-on-date with Dee by competing in a songwriting contest. Huh? What the hell is this supposed to prove? The same thing as when the women on the Bachelor are expected to sing, twirl batons, and eat aluminum cans I suppose. Anyway the boys all spread out and try to write down their thoughts and compose their feelings. Jesse, the baked snowboarder, says he hates to write and hates to sing. This should be wondrous.

Several of the boys actually seem excited and decide to try their best. Robert, the chef and Brian, the football coach both actually work on their music and try to perform--Robert's actually pretty good. In all fairness, most of them did at least respectable. Performing can be hard and they all seemed to come off as decent...at least all of them but the baked snowboarder who busted out a rhyme that could have been written by a five year-old. But, he did it on his knees. I guess thats important...somehow...I think. What? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Nevermind. She picked the bakehead. Maybe she didn't understand the wingman's directions. Who cares.

DeAnna then takes 'ol bonghit to a theater where they smoke a bowl. No, I'm kidding...I think. She does take him to a theater and then tells him to perform his godawful warbling again like he's a trained seal. When he's done singing I'm the one who needs the bonghit. Auuugggh, my ears! Anyway, he performs like a toadie and covers her shapely ass in kisses so the rose is secured.

Next Dee takes her remaining boys stockcar racing at a track and has them race to determine who gets private time with her. Despite the fact he didn't win, she hauls Graham away for some quiet time and basically orders him to kiss her. Graham demurs, uncomfortable with having to share her with other guys. This is normal. There is a suitor in every one of these shows who's having trouble with "process" of dating one person while they date about thirty others. You know the process I'm talking about--the premise of the freaking show they signed up for! It's always hard to sympathize with this person but not impossible to empathize a little. What's not normal is how Dee reacts to his hesitancy. All previous Bachelor's I've ever seen turn the charm on for their reluctant suitor and assure them. DeAnna, however, gets royally pissed! Diva much? Answer this question, dear reader: How would it look if a male Bachelor threw a major shitfit when one of his lady harem didn't want to smooch? "She puts out or she's out!" The guy would be pilloried, deservedly so I might add. He'd be called a wolf, a goon, or worse. Well Dee acted like a goon here. Graham needs to decide if he wants to stay and participate but DeAnna needs to get off her high horse. Sean, the karate boy also got some alone time and gave Dee some long winded speech that sounded as scripted as a presidential address, but Dee apparently isn't interested in sincerity and he scores a rose for his speech writer.

With the date over, the boys living in the outhouse decide to throw a party and invite Dee and this week's mansion-dwellers down for a bar-b-q. Fred Da Bears, Jeremy the babydady, and Robert the Chef all meander unhappily down to the outhouse with Dee so the other guys can pick on them. Dee sees she has a problem almost at once. Graham is avoiding her and Robert, after just earning his way out of the outhouse last week, disappears inside and hides. Dee then confronts everybody about their behavior but she seems to forget that this is all her fault. The boys lost their alpha male leader last week and look listless and confused. Also her insistence in putting Jeremy in the big house twice is coming back to bite her. A bunch of these guys have obviously concluded that she doesn't care much for them so they've started hanging out together and ignoring her. Hard to blame them on this one too. It's easy to say the same thing happened to Dee on the Bachelor when Brad was out romancing other girls but I don't remember Dee sleeping in a crappy bunkhouse on bunk beds and showering outside. If you foster a bunker mentality among guys you're going to get that behavior. They've been put in a bootcamp setting and are acting like men do in such settings: they're bonding. Don't be shocked. Dee was. She throws a five-star hissy fit, cries, screams, and raises hell like a princess denied her toys. Do the producers hate her? I'm starting to wonder.

This leads us to the two-on-one date for the week featuring the arrogant, collar-popping chef, Robert and Fred, Da Bears from Chicago. This date was one of the most difficult to decipher of any I've seen. The editing here was done with a battleaxe so timing is hard to read. Dee takes Robert for some private time and he tries to kiss her. She offers nothing but her cheek, then a private interview with Robert is shown and he talks about their major connection. Ok, either Robert is so delusional he's in need of therapy or this was taken out of order. An eighth grader would get the message from that. If I had been Robert, when she offered her cheek I would have just smiled at her and said, "Ok, I get it." then I would have gotten up and walked out. It was humiliating. Robert's far from the nicest guy I've ever met but this was brutal...and we're just getting started on that score.

Dee then speaks with Fred and he really lays it out for her. He's eloquent, apparently sincere and seems to really dig her. They all get together for the awarding of the rose and to no one's surprise she dumps Robert. No one except Robert apparently. He's shocked and she walks him out while Fred, da Bears sits exultant and waits for his rose. The producers now decide that Robert hasn't suffered enough and start some more editing tricks. When Dee deposits him into the limo he looks upset but stone-cold sober, but when he's interviewed the guy looks falling down drunk. How long did they ride him around in that limo and just how much liquor did they pump into him before they filmed him? He cries a little but is so drunk at that point he probably would have cried about a dog he had as a kid. Man, these producers are brutal.

Dee now joins in the brutality and also dumps the once exultant Fred, Da Bears! Fred then performs the classiest exit I've ever seen on this show. He's sensitive, normal, and very magnanimous in rejection. Fred seems like one of the only normal people with no ulterior motives I've ever seen on this show. He seems to have no pretenses about a show business career and he's not trying to pimp dog shampoo or a website or anything. He also didn't seem like a famewhore. The only reason I'm not going to go on and on about how sorry I am for Fred is because of my certain knowledge that when this airs this guy will be fending off more quality tail than anyone in Chicago. This guy will have to hide from screaming crowds of women like he's one of the Beatles. Good luck Fred and argh! to you!

Well in the last two weeks Dee has subsequently dumped the three nicest guys in the house. Whatever happens now, be it good or bad, it's Dee's fault. She's made her bed, time to start lying in it. The bed starts at the rose ceremony where she takes the boys swimming. Graham, whom she digs, plays a little kissy make up and he's secure. The only drama was whether or not Twilley the weirdo would live to be strange another day. And he does! Yes, Twilley will be around to...to do whatever the hell he does. Ok. Nice. Sure. Twilley over Fred...or Bill Nye...or the midget. That makes sense.

Ok, next week it looks like Dee takes the boys into the desert and kisses everyone apparently and I'm starting to wonder if Brad wasn't onto something.

Until then.

Bachelorette Recap June 2nd

Ok, first up--Mrs. B. is home from the hospital and doing well. So well in fact that we watched the bachelorette and I've got warn you in advance that some of my takes on this episode probably won't be with the majority. This blog is a guy's take, keep that in mind.

With that said, lets begin. Harrison greets the boys and reminds them that there is a rose on the line for each and every date this week. The boys, in a rare moment for this show, have actually come up with a good name for their house. The call their living quarters outside Dee's mansion The Outhouse. Ok, I can go with that. The Outhouse it is.

The first date is Richard, Bill Nye the Science Guy. He gets a one-on-one. DeAnna takes him to dinner and he makes some intelligent-sounding chat and they seem to have a nice time. But constant voice overs and private interviews all but telegraph the fact that Dee thinks this guy is friend material only. A final ride in Cinderella's coach cements the deal and halfway to their destination Dee orders the coach to the side of the road and performs the atomic mega-dump on Bill Nye. The only way this could have been worse is if Dee had shoved him out onto the pavement. She turns on some eye-rain while she does it but the guy truly looks shocked and blindsided. This guy actually looks really hurt at being dumped. Gotta feel for him. Dee assures us that after what happened to her, she wasn't going to string someone along. Hey, if she wasn't feeling it, what can you do? But I get the sneaking suspicion that this is one dump she will later say was the right thing to do, but will probably regret it. Bill Nye seemed a nice fella--and those are at a premium. He made her laugh. He was good looking. You gotta feel for the guy.

The next date box arrives and all the remaining guys get called out and fitted with cowboy boots. All except Jason the babydaddy. He knows he's the other one-on-one of the week and looks nervous at the thought. The remaining lads go line-dancing with Dee and look pretty goofy learning the 'ol ho down. Dee, of course, looks like a beautiful, in-shape woman in tight jeans--in other words: GREAT! The guys then do some bull-riding and fall on their asses a bunch. Jesse, the stoned snowboarder manages to hang on the longest and gets some private time with Dee. He pulls out his serious side by talking about farting under the covers. Very serious stuff is cutting one under the blankets, but only if you trap the lady under the blanket and make her inhale it like I do with Mrs. B. Anyway, Dee appears charmed at his bravery to admit he farts--a rose is all but assured. Ah, true wuv!

It's at this point that the most controversial stuff occurs. Dee takes Ron, the pissed off divorced guy for a walk and confronts him about getting on Jeremy the Orphans ass for getting two consecutive weeks in the mansion with her. Whoa! Hold on! Dee says "I heard..." Ok, from where?! Who ratted? Did Jeremy go crying to her or was this producer interference? We never find out. But here's your double standard folks. Last season on the Bachelor did Matt ever go run interference to Shayne or any of the other girls about Robin, who was being mercilessly picked on? Nope. As a matter of fact, we have never been given any inkling that any of the Bachelors ever know what cattiness is afoot unless a suitor tells them. Dee's sudden knowledge is never explained. And Ron the pissed-off divorced guy doesn't appreciate her interference either. Neither would I. Although editing makes Ron look like a goon with a temper problem I notice that all the other lads seem to think he's right that Jeremy is an arrogant candy ass. Jesse even gives him a bump when he tells Jeremy he's 'lacking'. This smells like more than cattiness, folks. Let me give a caveat to my next observation: I do not know Ron anymore than I actually know DeAnna. He may be a saint or a wife-beater, I have no idea. But I'm sending him some props. He didn't try and smooth it to Dee over this. He basically told it was none of her damn business--which it wasn't. He didn't smarm her or kiss her ass--he told her it was between Jeremy and himself. Props to Ron the pissed-off divorced dude! It was refreshing to see a suitor on this series actually let the Bachlor(ette) know that the sun does not rise and set out the crack of their ass.

Then in another moment of non-doormat behavior, Robert the Chef tells the boys if he doesn't get private time, skip the rose, he'll head home. He actually seems to mean it too. He was drunk but he seemed sincere. Props to the Chef! He may wear polo shirts like he's about to audition for a George Michael video but the boy called his shot. He then gets Dee alone and makes his pitch. He gets the cowboy date rose. Bully and argh!

This all leads us to a yet another reminder that Jason the babydaddy has a son. Ok, we get it. This is the equivalent of someone announcing they are a virgin--we're going to be reminded of it every five seconds. We even see him on the phone with his son. This is a first in my memory--a suitor actually gets to contact a loved one. This takes us to the one-on-one date. Dee takes Jason by helicopter to a dinner-date where Jason finally tells her he has a kid. Dee, to her credit, doesn't even hesitate. She takes the news well and they look at pictures. He asks her about her mom and Dee practically takes us through a blow-by-blow recap of her mother's death. It's one of the more real moments in the history of this franchise and bodes very well for Jason's future here. A rose is a certainty and he gets it.

the second group date has the men traveling to meet Ellen Degeneres and not to outdone by the Bachelor, the Bachelorette now insists on humiliating the suitors by having them drop trou in front of a lesbian talk show host. If the producers told me to do that I would have flashed her my nads. She wouldn't have been impressed or even appreciative but if I'm going to humiliate myself like a real Bachelor candidate I'll do it on my own terms, thank you very much. The guys all dance (badly) and Ellen pow wows with Dee. Ellen then shows the wisdom of someone who's been in a few relationships by picking out a few details of the guys. The most perceptive one is her observation that Graham the Confused is absolutely terrified. I wonder if Graham tickled Ellen's gaydar like he does mine? She probably has a pretty good one.

Ellen then tells the boys that she's handing out the rose and makes them wait for it before she hands it over to Fred, the ugly dude. Now Fred's not really ugly exactly but he...well, he looks like a normal guy trapped in moisturizer hell with a parade of male models. So I'm going to call him Fred, Da Bears! to go with his Chicago accent. Anyway, Fred hit Dee with some pretty heartfelt balloon juice about how he feels about her and it was actually pretty good. He gets the rose from Ellen for his troubles.

This leads to the FRC, or as I'll call this one, Ron, the pissed-off divorced dude's last stand. Two pretty significant things happened at this RC. One, Graham the Confused has a talk with Dee about his hesitancy to open up and its obvious this will be a major theme and Ron the divorced dude comes as close to any suitor I've ever seen in bachelor(ette) history to telling the he/she dream that they can keep their rose. This got really hard to decipher with all the editing and you could practically sense a producer dangling a copy of a contract, complete with legal threats, in front of Ron's nose. He started off by telling Dee that he woke up that morning feeling like she wasn't the one for him. He backs off that but does absolutely nothing to back up his insincere words that he has changed his mind. Personally, I thought he was begging to leave and was going to no matter what. The producers, showing a touch as deft as a crowbar, send Jeremy out to steal Dee away. She can be heard(?) muttering "thank you" to Jeremy as he walks her away. Funny though that when Ron gets the inevitable boot, all the other men embrace him like a fallen brother. Could a bunker mentality be starting to take hold of these guys?

Like I said earlier: Ron may be a psycho, I have no idea, but it was pretty damn refreshing to see someone on this series actually behave like they have some self worth. The Ceremony plays out exactly as you would expect...with one exception: Paul from Liliput gets the boot and Twilley the weirdo soldiers on. Didn't see that one coming.

Ok, it looks like next week that DeAnna has a meltdown and accuses the guys of not being serious about her. Bunker mentality? Maybe. Or maybe they were inspired by Ron's refusal to be a doormat? We'll see. But I do want to leave you with this. Jeremy is a smarmy little pansy and I really may be wrong about Graham's gaydar but something damned screwy is going on there. After seeing Bill Nye, a guy Dee said, "Makes me laugh," who is undeniably intelligent, handsome, and deeply committed to his job as a teacher, get dumped on a sidewalk, its hard to feel bad that she thinks the rest aren't trying hard enough.

Oh, are they ever going to let Brian the football coach speak or did that particular Malibu Ken model not come with a voice box? Creepy.

Until next time.

Delay

Friends,

Mrs. B. is in the hospital for some elective surgery so this weeks blog on DeAnna and her boy toys will be delayed until she gets home and we can watch it together. (All say "ahhhhhh" together). trust me, I'll be skinned if I watch it alone. The analysis blog will be up just as soon as I can see it.

Captain Barbarossa.

Bachelorette Recap--5/26/08

Man, are men boring or what? Other than the occasional stalker or serial killer we could cure insomnia. Crazy women make for better TV than narcissistic men. Either DeAnna picked a load of stiffs or...well, we men are boring as all hell. I kept waiting for a melt down of some sort. I mean they always have them on the Bachelor. The women go crazy, turn on the eye rain and freak the hell out. Men are usually good for a drunken brawl at least. Not with this crew. After watching these stiffs meander around I thought DeAnna was going to give the rose to Tommy Lasorda, and I was gonna cheer her on too.

But before that we get to see what I actually consider a pretty decent innovation: The three guys who got first impressions roses from the week before get to move in and stay with DeAnna in the big house, while all the rest stay down in a bunk house. They went too far with the idea by making the guys shower outside in the buff but the thought of actually putting the Bachelor(ette) together with the ones they are most interested in so they can, oh, I don't know, fall in love or something, seemed like a good idea. Or at least it would have been if we had gotten to see what actually went on in this house between them. What moron came up with this idea then didn't think the interaction was worth seeing? It was better to look at Paul from Lilliput's bare ass?!

Anyway, the guys all play meet and greet with wingman Harrison out in front of DeAnna's chalet and all but the three dudes who scored roses early last week Richard(Science Guy), Jeremy (Orphan guy), and Jesse(stoner dude) will be living in a communal bunkhouse all together. Decent. The wingman, in his own creepy way, revels in booting the loser guys from last week out into the rustic house.

The first group date was a trip to a magic shop with seven of the guys. The date sounds likes fun: a magic show in a fun house. Not too shabby. But it is boring! Gawd. Only the trick piano drowning out Sean the karate boy's pompous banter was cool. Twilley, who set off the weirdo meter last week, breaks the damn thing with some asinine myth tale that had DeAnna begging him to stop. Dad-of-the-three-year-old Jason got some quiet time alone with Dee but nearly choked on his tongue when it came time to tell her about his boy. Jason must be new to the single dad pick-up scene because 3 year-old son's are chick magnets! Don't believe me? Have a decent-looking single dad go to a park with a cute son. You might as well hang up a sign that says, "Free Diamond Rings!" The women will swarm. This guy needs to man up.

Paul, the munchkinland midget, shows some chops and gets the early rose while Ryan, the obnoxious football-playing virgin got punk'd. A 28 year-old male virgin!? That just means the guy has a P.H.D. in masturbation...or somewhere a family sheep is pining away for it's master. What a candy ass! Think I'm being too hard on our virgin? Look at it this way: Billy Graham, Mohandas Gandhi--two pretty righteous dudes--both were married fathers at Ryan's age of 28. 'Nuff said.

The one-on-one date this week is Graham, who takes Dee to the beach to demonstrate that kite flying is not like riding a bike--you do forget how. The kite augurs in just like Graham tries to. He tells Dee he is 29 and has had one real relationship in his entire life. This, for some strange reason, sets off alarm bells in Dee's mind. Not exactly the He-man woman lover's club around here, is it? Graham is threatening to set my gaydar off, and it seems Dee got a tickle of her own because she challenges him pretty straight up. But Graham pulls it out with some deep sensitive stuff I don't remember. By the end, its pretty clear Dee digs this guy.

Next, Dee takes the remaining seven to Dodger stadium to demonstrate their awful singing voices and their complete ineptness in hitting a baseball. Dee trundles out Dodger legend Tommy Lasorda who puts the boys through their paces. They step into the cage and make like Jerry's Kids at the park. Frankly I've seen better swings on a playground. They moved the fence in just beyond the infield but they struggle to make contact. Lasorda, god bless him, tries to give them some pointers but soon gives up and basically tells them they're a bunch of losers. Finally, Jeremy the lawyer steps up and slaps a few little league dingers--not exactly the John Wayne Award for manliness because Jason's three year-old could have jerked a few over that fence--but it's better than the rest.

Dee hauls him away for some private time and he nearly breaks down and admits he's an orphan. Really? Dude, you're thirty. At some point we're all orphans if nature runs it's course. Get over it. But DeAnna, who lost her mom at twelve laps it up like honey. He gets the rose and another week in the house with Dee.

This pisses Ron the divorced guy off and he let's Dee know he doesn't appreciate it when the cocktail party gets going. The other guys don't think much of Jeremy and he's wearing the bullseye now. He makes it even worse by doing the old steal the Bachelorette away from someone when you already have a rose bit. Mrs. Barbarossa still loves the guy but the other fellas in the Meat Locker are less than impressed. Dee then encourages a push up contest to dispel the cloud of testosterone that's attempting to form in the house and Jesse the stoned snowboarder just edges out Brian the football coach for some special quality time with Dee. Jesse hams it up with some sensitivity about how he "can't be a snowboarder for ever". Sounds almost like a Broadway show tune, but she seems suitably impressed anyway.

The wingman makes a rare appearance and calls the festivities off. It's rose time.

Paul from Lilliput, Graham the Confused, and Jeremy the Orphan already have a rose and a place in the mansion next week. DeAnna comes out, drops the cliche bomb ("This is so hard!") and then hands out some roses.

The others are:

4) Ron--The divorced guy scores a rose for being...er...forceful, I guess.

5) Jesse the stoner--Could Dee be a closet bakehead?

6) Robert the Chef--This guy needs to stop pulling up the collar on his Izods. That went out in about 1988.

7) Brian the football coach--he seemed fairly nice and pretty much normal. Hmm, producers must be pissed.

8) Jason--Previews show him fessing up about his boy. Bout time too.

9) Fred--Score another one for ugly dudes! Damn, the guys who got cut must be major losers!

10) Sean--Bleh. Chuck Norris he ain't.

11) Richard--Bill Nye stays alive. Had we seen the interaction inside the house we might know if he stood a chance. What a waste not to show it.

Harrison perform the necessary calculations and let's us know, (in case we're blind or stupid), that only one rose remains.

12) Twilley--Holy Crap, Batman! Didn't see that one coming. I hope this guy comes with his own restraining order.

That means that Eric, the one-note Greek Guy with the huge honker who acted like it was his dream to chain Dee to his stove and make her prepare feta cheese for the rest of her life and, Chris, the ultra-bland sales rep who can't hit batting practice pitching, and Ryan, the in-your-face-virginal Christian, get dumped. Eric and Chris get pissed and preen while Ryan tells us he's a virgin again. No shit, Sherlock. Wonder why.

Dee meanwhile, has a mini-meltdown after dumping them. Hey! That's the boy's job now Dee. God this might get ugly. Give her an ouzo, wingman.

Next week: the whole gang goes on a rodeo adventure and a "Terrible mishap occurs!" i.e. Dee bumps her head. Jason finally admits he has a kid, and Ron the divorced dude and Jeremy have words...or slapfight or something.

Until then, argh!

My Big Fat Greek Reality Show

Oh, dearest readers, your favorite old pirate has committed the unpardonable sin (in bloggerville that is) of trying to have a life. Don't worry, it failed. Regardless, due to unexpected missions of looting and pillaging...or something... I haven't posted in a while.

Frankly I just didn't have the energy to write about the last installment of the Bachelor. Watching Shayne Lamas capture the heart and gonads of Mr. Wanker was similar to catching fibromyalgia, exhausting and stupefying all at the same time. Nothing like watching some bleached blond, super-materialistic girl born with a silver spoon in her mouth capture the heart of some bonehead. It was, to say the least, uninspiring. But I do apologize anyway...to Mrs. B and to my son-in-law (who are the only people reading this.)

The good news, or bad depending on your point of view, is that everyone's favorite heartbroken Greek, DeAnna Pappas, is back and on the prowl. If you didn't catch the one...or forty times Chris Harrison mentioned it, DeAnna was on the Bachelor before. The one where that tool from Texas dumped her and giggling Jenni at the end because he had a girlfriend in Texas he needed to go dump or something like that. Anyway, due to the inexplicable intervention of Ellen Degeneres and the writers strike, DeAnna has been made the Bachelorette and it's her turn to be in the catbird seat and dump at least 24 of 25 guys.

The evening begins when Harrison greets DeAnna in front of the exact same house she lived in when Brad dumped her on national TV. Everything looks exactly the same...except DeAnna. Who's barely dressed in some beautiful gown cut down to her pubes in the front and looks to have dropped about ten or so pounds in the interim. I liked DeAnna before but holy goodnight, Batman, Boner ahoy! There'd better not be any real men in this group or this will be the shortest TV show in history! Man, what a brawl this should be.

Ahem...no, not exactly. Twenty-two, hair-geled metrosexuals, one oyster farmer who couldn't get laid in a Vegas brothel, one single dad, one stoned snowboarder (is there any other kind?) and one football coach pull up in limos. They ran some film of these guys getting ready before they show up at the Meat Locker, and a more narcissistic, self-involved bunch of nancy-boys you'll never meet. Ok a few of them seemed alright but come on! Some loser actually told us it takes him ten minutes to gel his hair...and then he shaves his chest! Somewhere Grandpa Barbarossa just rolled over in the shallow grave Grandma probably buried him in. Since when do men need ten minutes to gel their hair? Men use hair gel? Is this from the same species of people who stormed Normandy Beach!? Gawd, the things I learn on TV these days.

Anyway, the whole time DeAnna was greeting her stud farm, I kept expecting to see a chair come flying through the window behind her with an accompanying shout of, "It's on, you motherf@ckers! Last one standing gets her!" That would have been cool but I am sadly disappointed. All that booze, 25 guys, and one chick...and no fight? Gawd, what's this country coming to? Anyway, they all try to schmooze her and then get ushered inside.

A few stood out:

Greg--unfortunately he stood out for being insane. Dee obviously felt the insanity coming from him and she cut him. The guy freaked out and did a Hulk Hogan on his shirt after she dumped him. Roid rage anyone?

Jason--Single dad of an incredibly cute kid. I hope he's a player...we'll see. Also presumably divorced.

Jeremy--I had to hold Mrs. Barbarossa down every time he was on. Evidently a hottie.

Jesse--Stood out by having long greasy hair and the fashion sense of a homeless bum...he seemed pretty funny though. Acted like he'd burned a fatty right before the show.

Sean--did some karate but that coolness was offset by the fact that it looks like he gets his hair cut at the same place as Trump. He did kick a piece of fruit off the stoner's head though.

Graham--Stood out by being listed as a pro basketball player and then never mentioning it when he talked with DeAnna about his career. He also had one of those carefully sculpted scruffy face things that make me want to punch men. Either shave or grow a beard!

Luke--Stood out by being an ugly little oyster farmer. DeAnna's about a light year out of this guys league.

Chandler--Stood out by being a wuss. The guy nearly cried when Dee cut him. I'd slit my wrists. To be called a wuss in this group is like being inducted into the wussy hall-of-fame!

Fred--Stood out for being just plain damn ugly. He got a rose though. Score one for ugly dudes!

Richard--A science teacher with no self-esteem. He got an early rose but I get the feeling Dee would like a little confidence in a man. Seemed nice but he's probably toast.

Paul--Stood out for being the height of a citizen of Munchkinland. Come on, Dee's not even tall! He also stood out for having Dee's name branded across his underwear. (Insert your own joke here.)

Donato--stood out for being a drunken douche bag. Cut instantly. He should have shoved panties in her pocket.

Ron--Another divorced dude--and honest about it too. It earned him a rose. Wouldn't it be nice if the women on the Bachelor got the same courtesy instead of being treated like pariahs?

Anyway, Dee kept most of these guys. She also kept a few who were never shown speaking. Guess what that means.

Anyway, many apologies again...the pirate is back and he's here to stay. Until next week!

Bachelor 3/31--Spray Tan in a Can: The Further Adventures of the Dalai Lamas.

Can we stop pretending yet? Do any other girls in the hen house even matter as anything more than drama filler? Is Matt Grant English? I've forgotten. Other than a Union Jack hanging in one of the bedrooms and the producers insistence that the girls play rugby instead of football, this show is no different from any other with one exception. That exception is Shayne Lamas--an "F" list celebrity who looks and acts more like a porn star than an real actress.

But I suppose it doesn't matter. The Bachelor, hard to swallow in the best of times, is becoming damn near unwatchable. I couldn't tell you a total of five things about any other girl in the house (combined) besides the Dalai Lamas. I guess we just need to play out the string and see where this goes.

Where it starts is with the wingman holding court at the hen house and letting the women know what this week's dates look like. He announces a group date and two, one-on-one's. The first one-0n-one leads to us to Mann's Chinese Theater for a shameless plug of some chickflick starring "McDreamy" from Grey's Anatomy. The date box is supposed to be a film can I guess, but it actually looks like a garbage can, which in this case is probably delicious irony. An interlude shows the Dalai Lamas saying, "If he sends me home, I'll just die!" We can only hope. Grant however takes Holly, the Goldie Hawn look-a-like instead, and the two of them head off for a completely staged red carpet experience complete with fake paparazzi and a few stooge reporters the network ordered their affiliates to send.

They plant their hands in cement just like real celebrities and then watch the film alone in the cavernous theater. Almost immediately you start to get the 'Buddy-Vibe' from these two. Grant nudges her with his elbow that's faintly reminiscent of a Monty Python gag. Obediently she cried during the films romantic climax, and it makes me shudder at what horror Fleiss inflicted on her to get her bawling. The cement cast they made at the theater doesn't go to waste either. Fleiss ships it back to the hen house so the other women can curse and spew all over it. The Dalai Lamas does everything but piss on it. Bleh.

Grant then drags Holly over to a hotel and gives her the old, "Maybe we're too comfortable with each other" line. I didn't know there was a version of that in merry old England. She responds with some lame shit about writing children's books. Children's Books?! Whats the matter, couldn't they find a professional kidney donor? Anyway, despite the persistent friend buzz, Hot Lips Grant drags her into the hot tub and smooches her. It has all the heat of kissin' cousins. But since she was a good sport about it, he gets up off the rose.

A "Sexy" Game of Rugby

Rugby, sexy? Not exactly. It's about as sexy as badminton but the press releases kept telling us that and they brainwashed me. And they certainly found the most un-athletic group of women they could find for it too. All except Chelsea--more on that in a minute. They all practice first with some butch-looking British woman while Grant ogles their asses. Or should I say arses? No matter. Grant watches them practice and the women roll around in the mud like he promised them a 'fiver' in the their g-strings if they get muddy enough. He is also somehow impressed by Robin the Bobbin, who...er, does something or other. I couldn't tell what but Hot Lips was definitely impressed.

Anyway, the game starts and we get an immediate feel of how things went. Despite the editing trying to hide it, you get the feeling Chelsea scored at will. Ashlee, the singer songwriter who must weigh 85 lbs. actually had the temerity (or insanity) to try and tackle Chelsea in the open field and has the cleat marks in her scalp to prove it. Chelsea promptly trampled her. Argh!"She ran me over like some kind of dude!" That's exactly what it looked like too.

Meanwhile back at the hen house, Holly and the Dalai Lamas powwow and it turns out Shayne is just "dying to tan!" Retch. Anyway, Holly actually brought a tanning machine with her. Right. The damn thing's the size of a pressure washer and she just happened to bring it along, eh? After Shayne hears this she and Holly do some completely impromptu naked spray tanning with the Dalai Lamas peeling her clothes off like her stage name is actually Mona Lott. The only thing missing was the funky seventies music and a guest appearance by Ron Jeremy. By the time they're finished Shayne glows in the dark.

Meanwhile back at the rugby match, Marshana gets elbowed in her formidable chops and actually bleeds...sort of...a little. But the lack of blood doesn't halt the Bachelor drama. Grant acts like she needs stitches and Marshana acts like she's been decapitated. Chelsea rags her pretty good for being a wimp and I start to absolutely love her for it. Marshana sits on the sidelines trying to hog Grant's attention while wearing a ice pack on her huge lip bigger than the one in the arctic . In hindsight, I can't believe Fleiss didn't call an ambulance. Hehe, oh the cheese. Anyway Chelsea's team wins the match (surprise, surprise.)

Grant takes the women to "his" house as a reward for the efforts on the rugby pitch. Two Masseuses are waiting to give the girls a rubdown and give them an excuse to disrobe. Marshana, either reading off a cue card or demonstrating a room temperature I.Q. , informs us that she "likes Matt even more for getting us a masseuse." Zzzzz. Grant pops up in a one-on-one interview and proves his limeyness by sporting second degree burns on his face from February sunshine. Hahah, Malibu in July? This guy would make like a vampire and become ashes. He chooses 3 pack-a-day Kelly, already half-drunk, to go and get the first massage with him. Not content with oodles of dirty innuendo, she climbs atop him and give him some dirty rubbin'.

Chelsea, obviously expecting the rose, baits the girls into all but admitting she should get it. You get the feeling by the way they talk that she did look like Red Grange but now the producers decide the time has come to crown a queen bitch for the season. And that bitch is Shayne--but we aren't supposed to think that. It's actually Robin the Bobbin because she's Gasp! competitive! He gives the rose to Robin who must have scored a lot on the rugby pitch...or not. 3 pack-a-day, now slurring and looking like trailer trash, mumbles something derogatory about Robin. Chelsea says, "I think I deserved it." She did. Nice move producers.

Winery and a Bimbo.

Grant now moves to pick up the Dalai Lamas for her pole dancing lessons, I mean winery date and he arrives in someone else's Maserati to do it. Shayne, dressed like she's a member of ABBA, piles in to the car and off they go. Grant does his best to act coy about his true feelings for her but the guy ain't foolin' this pirate. The girl is hot--Grant knows it--she knows--and that's that! He corners her and forces her to admit that her dad is Lorenzo Lamas. She tells him, "You won't know who he is." Turns out, Grant didn't. Fleiss should have hired Billy Crystal to come floating in with the white wig and the snowy ascot going, "Shayne, dahling! You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous!" She talks about coming from multiple broken families and basically says she's not ready to get married yet. Grant says, "She's not just a beautiful actress. There's a lot more to her." Yeah, whatever. Under duress, she admits to being high-maintenance and then cops to having more shoes that Imelda Marcos. She's into,"cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses, and watches." Grant thinks she's joking. Idiot.

Back at the hen house, Bobbin yammers non-stop and apparently her irritating banter is enough to send Amanda over the edge and she gets the meeps. I wish they would show us something--anything!---about Amanda besides her hiccuping.


Shayne and Grant cuddle up at the winery and he slips her the rose. She treats him like he's Houdini because he stashed it behind a pillow. I can't figure out whether or not she's drunk again or just a moron. Don't suppose it matters anyway, she gives Grant a boner and that's all that does.

Rose Ceremony

Part two of the Robin is an asshole preview for next week. This weeks setup is to trample Robin down into small enough bits to show her as "the girl everyone hates." But before they get going destroying her character for her, Chelsea gets a pretty hot kiss and Noelle, (Yes!) sheds some tears and acts sweet and sane. (Get rid of her). Amy (Who?) has a few precious seconds with Grant before Robin steals him away--despite already having a rose. Three girls all storm out and snatch Grant away from Robin as next weeks set up gets firmly under way. All the girls jump on Robin and she says something nasty and Chelsea warns her she's going to "get smacked in the face." Gulp! I can practically see Robin's head rolling off her shoulders. Then Kristine talks with Grant. (Who!?) Is there a girl named Kristine on this show? Holly, who already has a rose as well, snatches Grant away but is never branded a bitch. That makes sense. Unless it doesn't.

The wingman arrives and clears the joint out and it's rose time:
1+2+3) Early roses: Holly, Shayne, Robin.

3) Madam Hiccup. And she doesn't meep.

4) Ashlee--rewarded for having Chelsea's foot print branded into her forehead.

5) 3pack-a-day. He likes his women loaded.

6) Chelsea. Damn straight!

7) Noelle--wish I knew something about her. She seemed really nice--two weeks ago.

Harrison consults his star charts and let's us know its the last rose of the night.

8) Marshana--the token lives on!

Cut: Amy (who?) , Erin the hotdog-vendor-dude, and Kristine (who?)

Exits this week have a few tears but they appear to be more about self-pity than any great sense of loss.

Next week: Robin gets crowned: Queen Bitch of the Universe! Argh!