2/8-Nice Intuition, Mom

When did it become fashionable for mom's to hate their daughters? Did I miss the memo? I just watched three moms and one dad do everything but shove and kick their daughters toward the emotional cliff that is Jake Pavleka, and bid them to hop off. Five minutes (or three hours; does it matter?) with the cheesemachine and these parents were all urging their children to leap of into the great unknown with some clown who is dating three other girls and 'fall in love'. Either these parents have gone completely insane or their daughters must be total maniacs they can't wait to pawn off on the nearest stranger. You would think Jake was the Prince of Wales or the son of Warren Buffet or something, not just some flight instructor who owns a limo company. Man have we ever hit rock bottom in this country. We've certainly hit rock bottom on this show. The hometown dates usually feature some hellish run-in between the Bachelor and some father or mother who hate them on sight, or at least some snide insinuation of that fact from the editors. Not on this night. That would be fine too--quite welcome actually--if one could be believe the sincerity of the Star of this season. But since Le Fromage has all the credibility of Bernie Madoff with fans, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. This felt like the eerie quiet before some temblor hits or some volcano explodes.The smoothest hometown dates in this show's history should tell the discerning viewer that a trainwreck of major proportions is soon in the offing.

No Worms in the Big Apple

First up for the honor of introducing Jake to their family is Gia the pro; waiting for Captain Camembert in New York. Gia was the focus of a lot of pre-show disdain for her scantily clad model shots all over the internet, but the little Yankee elf has steadily maintained one of the best edits this season: shy at times, a little insecure, and nary a bad word for anyone. She's also lived down her history of dating professional athletes and parlayed the bulk of her screen time this episode into transforming the bad boys of the major leagues into weight she's hungering to jettison. Meeting Jake, she decides that since he's in New York, she should treat him like a tourist and mug him. She squeals and lands on 'ol shorty with enough enthusiasm to floor anyone with a higher center of gravity. But Jake recovers and they go on a ferry ride across New York harbor so Jake can act like he's taking pictures and the Fleiss-rat can give us a slideshow of the Statue of Liberty, etc. He also has her pose on the bow of the boat with her jacket off so we can get a look at her hardened nipples. (Thank you, Mr. Fleiss!). A brief talk about her worthless ex-boyfriends follows and then they go to a restaurant to meet her mom, step dad, and brother. Now, I'm going to try and be gentle here, since the family all acted like they cared about Gia a lot. Well, let's just say Gia got all the looks in the gene pool. Can we say that? Sure we can. Mom Donna looked like she was going to hop onto her broom and go and kill Harry Potter or something. And the brother? Well, he looked like he'd gotten his head caught in a Veg-O-Matic in about 1955 by the look of his clothes. Nevertheless, it isn't all about looks and these folks seemed fairly solid. Yeah, true, mom looks like she shops at the Witchy-Poo Crackmart, and playing with the tarot cards at the didn't help much, but the vibe was solid. "Ol Veg-Head even wormed his way into my heart by threatening to break Joke's legs at one point. The only thing that was off was the ease into which the cheesmachine seemed to pull the wool over these people's eyes. Mom and Gia went for a walk and Gia broke down and bawled while mom kept assuring her that she saw true love in Jake's eyes when he looked at her. Do you mean the guy you just met, mom? Your daughter is displaying more sense that you, and that's just not right. Age should bring wisdom, not just fried brain cells.

"He can't love me yet," Gia insists correctly.

Anyway, the family seemed cool despite the looks and I couldn't help liking them. If I wasn't convinced that Gia was just a fairly decent actress collecting a check and some face time, I might have even been inclined to cheer her on. Provided it was someone worth her time anyway. Date brief, and over.

She's in love...with Her Job

Next up is this weeks focal-point gal: Chemical Ali. Ali is going to take us on a strange trip tonight, folks. One minute she's crying and glowing about how much she loves Jake--even going so far as taking him on a tour of her dead granny's house--then she's dumping him over a sales job at Facebook. But before we can get to that incredulous moment, she is going to take us and the Cheeser to meet her family. He blasts us with a few "Amazing Bombs" as he greets her in Massachusetts in autumn. She whines about how she wanted him to come when the stick-like trees had leaves on them. Like Captain America to the rescue, Jake finds a branch low enough to the ground for both he and Herve Villechaize to reach, and shakes some leaves loose because Ali tells him she likes to make wishes to falling leaves. A few fall down and Ali grabs one and wishes for a promotion at Facebook. Then they walk to granny's empty house and she leads him around. This is supposed to be the part where we all get weepy and awed at just how serious Ali is about Jake that she went to ask the blessing of her dead granny. Frankly, I thought it was creepy as hell and set a new low in shamelessness. For those busily pimping Ali as the next Bachelorette, kindly shut the hell up. This girl has looked mean as a snake--floundered and swore undying love--and then dumped the same guy for a crappy job. If we'd needed to get in touch with the dead, we could have skipped the dead Real Estate tour and played a few more hands of Tarot with Gia's mom. Thanks, but no thanks. Anyway, the fake seance over, Ali takes Jake home to meet her mom. Mom has that cardboard look of someone knowing they are on a TV show and is doing her daughter a favor by playing along. Obediently, she also sees love in the Cheeser's eyes and tells Ali its all ok with her. Jake, sensing an easy mark, moves in for the kill and asks mom's permission to pop the question. She gives him the thumbs up and nudges Ali closer to the cliff she's never gonna' jump off of. As Jake drives away, Ali tells us she's fallen in love with him. Date over.

The Weepy, Watering-Pot Clan

Next up is the ever earnest, and wide-eyed innocent divorcee: Watering pot Tenley. She greets the Cheeseball in beautiful Oregon and treats us to her patented eardrum shaking squeal. Tenley gushes but tells her she has some tough questions for the cheese wheel. They sit and chat and she basically wants to know if he lets his mom and dad run his life--just like her ex used to. Sounding like a nadless wimp, Jake confirms that he pretty much runs everything past his parents. Confusing me, Tenley interprets this to mean that Jake is his own man. (huh?) Anyway, she's so pleased she hauls him to a dance studio so she can share her means of expression with him: dance. (And also get in a quick plug to be the next Ette to follow Melissa Rycroft onto Dancing with the Stars.) She is enraptured that Jake will sit there bored to death and watch her twirl about--unlike her villainous ex-husband--who only wanted to drink beer and sauce up floozies, one supposes. I will say this, he does show more animation with her that he did with either Gia or Ali. Up until this point, it's been fake laughs and android-like emotions. After a little more wine, it's off to meet the folks. Jake gets cornered by her dad who mentions he saw Jake's embarrassing performance on the Bachelorette last year, and instead of throwing Jake out of his house like I would have, dad seems impressed by Jake's honesty. What did P.T. Barnum say was born every minute? Sensing a fool, Jake ask permission to marry his daughter and dad is over the moon. Dad and Tenley powwow and poor old dad gets his idiot on by thinking Jake is genuine and he and Tenley both spring leaks of joy. Mom adds her tears to the torrent and Tenley's journey toward the Dark Side is complete. Jake cheeses her mom by asking if Tenley is ready and mom basically says: Not a chance! "She will be feeling the effects of her divorce for quite sometime." Jake nods and completely ignores her. He hauls dad outside and asks permission to pop the question. Dad, apparently desperate to see Tenley happy again, says 'Yes'. Jake is even nice enough to punch himself in the balls to work up some tears to join in. This is starting to look like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. Are these parents trying to find out how high their daughters will bounce when they hit the ground? The only things missing are the "Help Me!" sign and the puff of smoke when they land. Date over.

The Sausage in Florida

It's off to the climes of balmy central Florida and the home of Vienna Sausage. She meets the Cheddar King in a state park and they go for a boat ride. The only thing we get to see besides some half-tame alligators is Jake asking about how Vienna's dad reacts to boys she brings home. Vienna seems to set a dark tone for the visit by telling Jake that the itinerant crack dealers she usually dates have not been well received. The scene jumps quickly to nighttime and we get to see that for all of Vienna's blather about being a spoiled princess, that her parents live in a very modest home. But as soon as they crest the doorway we do see Vienna's nauseating little dog and dad is there to greet them and he breaks down in tears. (I assume he had just seen Vienna's latest credit card bill.) Spliced interviews let Vienna tell us how bonkers over Jake she is, and dad takes the cheeser out into the man-garage for some tough talk. "Please, please take this money pit off my hands," dad seems to want to beg, but instead he barks about seeing her treated like the spoiled little princess she obviously is. Jake vows to devote his life to paying off Vienna's Gap bill and assorted traffic citations. This pleases pops to no end and so when Jake asks for clearance to fire, dad can hardly wait. Then we get to see the most illustrative moment of the entire episode: When Jake sits with Vienna and her mom, he blames the fact that every other girl in the house hates Vienna is because "They are jealous!" Bang! Boom! Cha! Game over. Hear that Ali, Tenley, Jessie, Valisha, everyone else besides Gia? She wasn't a bitch; you were all just jealous of her! It pleases me to no end to report that no matter how much smoke the other girls throw up when they hit the bottom of that ravine, that it's nothing compared to the yellow mushroom cloud of dust the cheeser's gonna' kick up when he hits the ground. BOOM! Ah, satisfaction at last. Date (and Jake) over!

Ali's Endless, Whining, Death Spiral

The wench queen commented at the very end of this torturous segment that this was a half hour of her life she's never gonna' get back. Hammy, Shakespearean actors have shorter death scenes than Chemical Ali did. It all started when she showed up at his hotel suite and started bawling...and bawling...and bawling. Somebody should have fetched Tenley and her dad. They could have formed a crying tag team. This 'shocking' event lost all steam the second she announced she was going to have to chose between a one-in-four chance of landing him, or keeping her job. At least Drop Dead Ed kept his ass-hauling short last season. There was zero drama to this entire forty minute segment after that first announcement. It started in his suite and carried over into the Rose Ceremony, and it consisted of Ali crying, and trying to get some sign from Le Fromage that he was going to pick her. Jake wouldn't budge beyond telling her that he wanted her to stay, and frankly he acted like she was the one he was going to dump anyway. After the wingman had lined all the girls up firing squad-style and Ali asked to speak with him in private, all we saw was a replay of the scene in the suite, but now done in Jake's stare-at-pics-room. She probed, and he refused to commit, and finally, and I do mean FINALLY, she gives it up. "At last!" My wife cried in triumph. Jake hauls her down to the limo and slams the door on her. She tries to go splenetic and he, lacking a balcony railing to collapse over, has to content himself with the hotel handrail on the front steps. Forced into a Half-Mesnick, Cheeser whines a little as she drives away. The next scene we see, however, (ten minutes or two hours, it doesn't matter) he is beaming at the remaining three women like a relieved loon. So much for the heartbreak of losing her. He happily toasts the remaining gals and announces that next week it's off to St. Lucia.

Ok, friends, this long, slogging marathon of endurance is getting closer to the end. Good thing too, my stamina is draining away as quickly as my cheese-analogy repertoire. Until next time, when we join Wile E. Coyote in the Caribbean as he prepares for his atomic belly flop; this is your old pirate signing off. Arghhhh!

2/1--Snoozefest in San Fran.

I think it's time for Bachelor Executive Producer/Human Compost Heap, Mike Fleiss, to quit looking at how cute, abalicious, and gainfully employed his prospective Bachelors are and find someone with a couple of drops of charisma instead--even if he's a total douche bag. As the cheesecircus wrapped up the RV tour of the West Coast in San Francisco this week, the ladies laid off the cattiness and the producers softened everyone's edit, so it was time at last for the Bachelor, Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka, to take center stage as the Star of the show. And what a boring dork this guy is. It's not enough we have to put up with his disingenuous smiles, fake laughter, and embarrassing cue-card reading; no, not since 'Prince' Lorenzo Borghezi gave eunuchs everywhere a bad name have we seen a guy this embarrassingly lame around women. Considering the premise of this show is that the Star is supposed to be considered the Catch of a Lifetime, this is more pathetic than watching Kevin Federline try and catch a falling piano--but more painful and not half as entertaining.

Gomer Pyle in San Francisco

As the women who survived last week's massacre come rolling into the Bay City in their sole remaining RV, the Cheeser meets them at a 5-star hotel and gives them a tour of their suites. Before he leaves, he fills in for the obviously vacationing wingman, and gives them and us and rundown of this week's schedule. There are to be 2, 1 on 1 dates, and 1, 2 on 1 date with no roses at any of them. He also drops them a date card to get the ball rolling. As he scoots away to wherever he lurks, the gals open the card and we see that Watering pot Tenley will get the first 1-on-1. She emits a few eardrum rupturing squeals and we're underway. Now, I like Tenley. I think everyone likes Tenley; she's the girl with the doe-eyed innocence who can't do a private interview without sounding like a kindergarten teacher with a Barney puppet on her hand. Unfortunately that's about as sexy as she is too. Anyway, once she's done breaking the sound barrier, Jake takes her out for a ride on some old trolley that putters around for tourists. They wander about the city and make their way into a fortune cookie factory in Chinatown. I'm glad there was no stereotyping on this episode. The only thing Fleiss missed here was Jake trying to pick up his cleaning and being told: "No tickee; no laundry!" Ahem, to resume. They get a chance to write their own fortune cookie messages (to be opened later) and these two well-matched nerds both write: "Kiss me!" Tell me this wasn't just screaming out to be a great Vienna Sausage moment. Can't you just picture dinner afterward if Jake had hauled her to that factory; she would have read: Kiss me! and he would have read: "Let's Fuck!" Missed a golden opportunity here, Fleiss. Anyway, night falls and Jake takes Tenley up some famous tower I'm suppose to know all about, but don't, and they have dinner. They also have the first sane, and adult-sounding conversation we've seen all season. Jake quizzes her about her marriage and the lessons she learned. Tenley, sounding a lot less like Tickle-Me Elmo than usual, answers like a woman with a head on her shoulders with some valuable life experience. She also asks him about pilots and faithfulness just to let him know she's no cementhead. He takes the opportunity and lies right through his teeth: "Being unfaithful is a choice. The woman I marry is the last women I'll ever look at." Uh-huh. Maybe the last woman you'll ever sleep with but not look at, Jake. The Dalai Lama couldn't keep that promise. Regardless, they open their Fleiss-scripted cookies and make out. Date over.

The Princess, the Pro, and the Jester

Nothing screams Fairytale Romance more loudly than a winery, one dork, and two pros...er, I mean: a castle with two princesses and one prince. While Jake was reading loaded fortune cookies with Tenley, a date card has arrived back at the hotel. Long Face Corrie, convinced she was such a huge hit at Jon Lovitz's comedy club, breaks out some more stand-up and tells Chemical Ali and Vienna Sausage they got the 2 on 1 date. She breaks down and tells them she was just kidding before the two women claw each others eyes out. Turns out, it will be Vienna but she will be joined by the one woman in the house who doesn't hate her ever loving guts: Gia the Pro. (Call it: Professional courtesy) Jake meets them at winery housed inside a castle. I must say that castle is breathtaking; modeled on 12th century Tudor craftsmanship it sits snuggled in amongst acres of fertile vineyards, but with Jake and these two bimbos along it might as well have been a fancy version of Medieval Times. They all fill their hands with some glasses of vino and he hauls them inside where they sit in front of the CEO's fireplace and Gia falls into her 'wallflower' routine. "I was afraid I was going to be a third wheel." I guess that sounds better than: Vienna was going to be all over him and I couldn't give a shit. Gia sits coolly aside as Vienna; loud, obnoxious and pushy, dominates the conversation, alternating between gushing like a loon and pouting like a babydoll. She rats out Chemical Ali for being a meanie too. Jake finally snatches Gia away where she keeps playing the 'insecure' card. "Gia is the most insecure of the girls left," Jake confirms. Yeah, right. Insecurity--a common affliction of bikini models, right up there with bulimia and compulsive shopping. Anyway, he finds a secluded bench and she plays coy, "I wasn't sure you were into me." Jake lies his ass off so he can maul her. "I have good times with the other women, but not the amazing moments I have with you." They make out, which is the signal for the producers to get Vienna moving. She tests my gag-reflex and wanders around in the well-lit wine cellar--"The dungeon" she calls it--so she can look stalkerish and act 'scared'. "Jakeee, Jakee, baby--it's dark in here!" Yeah, no one else around except a camera team, sound crew, and production staff. Puke! They finally find her and Vienna gets to be all cloying and desperate-acting over him. They settle in for the night and Vienna, who is rooming with Gia, announces she wants to go and see him in his bedroom. Gia explodes in such a jealous rage she...rolls over and falls asleep. Vienna, a camera crew in tow, marches into Jokes well-lit bedroom with two glasses of wine while he feigns being sleepy. She pimps like she wants to sleep with him, but he sends her away. "It was going to stay G-rated; nothing was going to happen," he scoffed later. I hope he didn't think the cameras were going to stop her. Ahem. Date over.

Sacrificing the Virgin

Next up is Long Face Corrie, looking surprisingly pretty. Corrie opines about her chance at last: "I'm the only girl here who hasn't kissed Jake yet. I need the guy to pursue me." Sugar, you are on the wrong show. Jake takes her to a pond for a ride in a rowboat. Constant voiceovers from both of them talk about how behind their relationship is. He paddles her over in front of some cattails and they...stare at each other. Crickets can be heard as the cloud of discomfort grows. Jake sensing that virgin vibe refuses to make his move. Awkward, ain't the word. As the sun sets he takes her to a Natural Museum and they have dinner in front of a massive aquarium. He probes her about a possible future. "If we got engaged, what city would you live in?"
She has a ready answer: "Oh, I'd live in Dallas with you--but I'd have a separate apartment."
"You don't believe in living together before marriage?"
"No."
He scowls and asks sarcastically: "What, are you saving yourself for marriage?"
"Yes."
A quick edit cut lets him stop spluttering and whip out the stock Bachelor answer when confronted by an unexpected virgin: "I have only respect for that. That's not a problem for me, I assure you...I'll just dump your ass and it won't be any problem for me at all." Or something similar. Date over.

A Gal in Love...with Her Town

City-sophisticate, Chemical Ali, considerably less catty this episode, gets the final 1 on 1 date and the card tells her its up to her to plan the outing in "her city." Although the drumbeat between her and Vienna Sausage never completely quieted, its a whisper compared the last three episodes. This allows us to see Ali gush about...San Francisco. This gal loves her climes, no doubt. Dressed in a pretty blue dress and a pair of jackboots (huh?) she hauls Le Fromage about the Bay City like a proud momma. After he buys her some flowers, and she acts like he slayed a dragon for her instead, they end up in some bistro she hangs out in. They talk some and Jake pumps her about moving to Dallas. Looking terribly uncertain, she temporizes, "Don't you love it here? We could keep two places?"( Translation: I'll be leaving my lovely city and moving to your redneck burg when Malibu freezes up like a brick!) She then walks him over to a mighty public public park and rides all over his crotch while they lie in the grass. Most places on planet earth and these two would have been busted. But since it's San Fran, the locals wander past them and never even look. They finish the afternoon with a walk along the waterfront, and for some strange reason we are treated to the sight of a seagull munching on a crab. (Tell your editors to lay off the jagermeister, Fleiss.) She sits on a seawall and he finally asks her about her reaction to him keeping Vienna the week before. She shakes her head and says, "I'm over it. I have no questions. It's none of my business" Hahaha. Not yet anyway. They go spastic and run into the surf and get her jackboots wet. Date over

The Wingman Arrives--Let the Party (and the cliches) Begin!

Lights dim--drums roll--smoke pours into the mansion ballroom--the women squeal and leap to their feet as the wingman comes boogeying inside busting moves like Elvis. No, no, not really. What happened was a lot scarier. Jake's face popped onto the screen and he opened fire on the unsuspecting audience with his cliche-machine gun: ""I have to let one woman go and I have no idea what I'm going to do--I'm so confused--It's killing me--It's really killing me!" ZZZZZZZZZ. He wanders into the room and cheeses the woman with the same exact BS he belted them with on his dates with them. The wingman, back from parts unknown, then has a sit-down with him and he says exactly the same damn things he did about every one of them all show long. The only sliver of illumination was his time alone with Vienna Sausage. He takes her away from the others and into the suite he's been living in and out onto the balcony. An edit cut and he says: "I like Vienna and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've been holding back, but not anymore. I'm going to let myself go!" I'm strongly reminded of the story of the rednecks famous last words: "Hey ya'll, watch this!?" Bon voyage, Cheesemachine. I expected you to be dull and insincere; the fact you're a complete moron is news indeed.

Ring Around the Rosey-Nosed Retard

1) Watering pot Tenley--Should have been a match.

2) Chemical Ali--Just waiting for her moment.

3) Gia the Pro--Check please!

Needless hem and haw--manufactured tears for a girl you've barely kissed and like less than three others at the moment.

4) Vienna Sausage--The ticking of the tabloid bomb grows steadily louder.

Cut: Long Face Corrie. Much to her credit, Corrie looks damn relieved to be out of this. I think she actually started pinching the crap out of herself in the limo to work up a tear or two. Fear not, Young Virgin; you have escaped the nightmare with more than your virginity intact.

Next week: Jake gets dumped...again...until the next time.

See ya!

1/25--The Texas Cheesesaw Massacre

Considering the fact that Jake Pavella spent the balance of every pre-show interview marveling at the fact that the Bachelor's 25 women were all specially selected with him in mind, one would think that he might want to keep a few of them around. But apparently not. Jake was racing from location to location last night wielding his cheese knife like a machete and either cutting (or trying to cut) damn near every woman in sight. I never bought Pavelka's sincerity to begin with but I'm starting to wonder whether or not he hates all of them. He seemed to dash about the entire night, his cheese knife dripping blood from all the sorta-not-so-much-so broken hearts he left in his wake. The only other theme we were apparently supposed to latch onto was: as much as Jake hates the girls, they all hate Vienna twice as much. It is no surprise that the recap from last week was one long montage of: "Vienna sucks! Vienna sucks!". It was a good set up for this week, I must say, since the theme of this week was: "Vienna REALLY SUCKS!"

Highway to Hell

The wingman invaded the cheesepalace straight away and told the cheddar-ettes it's time for a road trip. The dates will consist of one, 1 on 1, one group date, and one of the nasty 2 on 1 someone gets booted variety. They all prance outside and find two big RV's waiting on them and race back inside to pack. I was shocked the producers actually split up Vienna Sausage and Chemical Ali for the trip too. Plenty of bitchy catfighting was thus avoided; not a Fleiss trademark. Jake, meanwhile, has puttered on ahead of them on his itty-bitty moped and is pedaling hard up the California Highway headed for Pismo Beach and Big Sur. He stops in a vineyard and awaits his babes. The gals arrive and Watering pot Tenley gushes: "Jake was standing there in his flannels looking like a man!" Yeah, a damn short one. Anyway, before he hastily retreats from his psychos, he drops them a date card and it says the 1 on 1 date will be with Gia the pro.


Stilettos in the Vineyard

I'm sure this thrilled Gia to no end. She's probably waited all her professional modeling life to have a hot dog camp out in an open air vineyard with some dork dressed like Grizzly Adams. Gia, however, doesn't shop at Lands End. Instead, she spiffs herself up like Carl Pavano and the rest of the New York Yankees are coming by to take her out to the Stone Pony for vodka stingers and an 8-ball of blow. Jake crams her onto his moped and drives her...about a hundred feet away from the other girls. Once semi-secluded, they play... Hide and Seek? C'mon Fliess; is this all ya got? Some New York fashionista traipsing around a vineyard in stiletto heels being chased by your own pet jackass? If that wasn't dumb enough, he orders them to get gassed on some cheap California jug-wine and play Spin-The-Bottle. Fleiss must think we're all pining away for our lost adolescences'. The only thing missing is the part where Jake punches her in the arm and runs away in terror. All I can say is that Gia must have really wanted the exposure. Obediently, she plays the wallflower and tells Jake what a nerd she was in school: "People used to steal my backpack everyday!" Yeah, so the boys could drag it into the bathroom and worship it like the Shroud of Turin. Anyway, Joke finally pulls her over to a firepit so he can demonstrate his rugged, manly, outdoorsy skills of being able to light a fire with nothing more then a Duralog and a lighter. Wow, Daniel Boone Lives! He then stuffed her with hot dogs and smores. This looked about as organic as Joy Behar's face. Once he got her drunk enough on wine and nauseous enough on camp food, they do some kissing. Gia winks at the camera and informs us that it was the best kiss she's had in the last ten minutes or something like that. Not content to merely pretend to be a wallflower, she even agrees to act like a moron: "Wow, I can see the sky," she slurs in wonderment. "We don't get to see the sky in New York." Uh-huh, I guess during those bikini photo shoots in the Seychelles they don't let her look up. He roses her, but not before the other girls, all now thoroughly bombed, bark like dogs. Davy Crockett's eyes seize with terror: "Is that a coyote?!" Yeah, those famous California Coyotes. Apparently Gia wasn't the only one willing to act like a moron. Date over.


Pepto-Pismo!

After his exhausting camp out with Gia the pro, Jake peddles up to Pismo Beach for his group date. Joining him are: Long Face Corrie, Blond Ashleigh, Chemical Ali, Watering pot Tenley, Jessie Who?, and that show-stealer her own damn self, Vienna Sausage. I've purposefully neglected to mention the incessant drumbeat of comments from Chemical Ali, Watering pot Tenley, and damn near everyone else about what a hideous snotbag Vienna is because I was so sick of hearing it at this point I was ready to puke. But since there really wasn't much else to say about this date, I might as well. True, Joke got to prove his massive manliness again by shoving a trapped dune buggy all of about six inches because the girls were too lazy to get out and do it their selves. And let's not forget they all went sand surfing. (That means they all climbed up on a dune and fell down a lot.) Fortunately they left pretty quickly and Jake took them to an interesting-looking hotel. I call it interesting-looking because it appeared like the builders hired Fred Flintstone to do the masonry work and Liberace for the interior decorating. Regardless, the woman all shower and dress in black cocktail dresses. Jake starts making the rounds and when he tries to haul the Sausage away, she defers and wants to go last. This gives Chemical Ali a chance to direct another acid bath full of venom at her. Tenley takes advantage of the lull and Jake takes her into a private cave room where he flops into her lap while she recounts the horror of being married. They do make out a lot, which is in fierce contrast as to how he treats Blond Ashleigh. He tells us she's hot but there is no chemistry. Ashleigh is shown poo-pahing the other girls for throwing themselves at the Cheeser, and then, just to make her look nuts, the edit slice and dice starts and makes her look like she's attacking him. Joke squirms under her touch and I doubt his sanity but don't doubt her departure is soon at hand. Finally it's Sausage Time, and Joke spends his time chiding her that she is so unpopular because she's such a bitch. She basically tells him to shut his trap...but does it with a brainless smile so that's ok. Voice overs lets us know Jake see's, "Red flags" with her. The reason for this is so everyone at home can be stunned when he keeps her, and keeps her, and keeps her. Watering pot Tenley gets the rose for making out with him and not springing a leak. Date over.

Massacre at Big Sur

In another example of producer-cruelty, two of Jake's least favorite hotties, Sultry Ella, and Kathryn, who is so unimportant and I haven't even given her a nickname, are set up on the two on one so Jake can drop the atomic bomb on both of them. It's hard to comment on Kathryn, since we've barely seen her, but Ella, acting much too serious about this pap, gets a little dinner before he gives her the bum's rush. He took both women into his cabin at Big Sur and ignored Kathryn like she was a mushroom. Understandably, this pisses her off and when she gets him alone she accuses him of ignoring her since she's been in California. He lies and promises to give her a chance just before he dumps her. But before he polishes her off, he takes Ella outside and dumps her first. Kathryn waits while he packs her off and when he comes back in going through his fake anguish about her friend, she tries to comfort him so he dumps her too. Stunned, she asks, "Are you sure?" Ha ha. Uh, yeah. He deposits her into an SUV and gets some cheese on by wandering around likes he's in agony over these two women he didn't like and then makes like Leif Erickson at the gates of Valhalla and burns the rose like it's an American Flag he dropped. The only thing missing was Wagner. Massacre over.

The Cat's Meow!

The cocktail party starts when Jake wanders in and calls for: "shots!" Jessie Who?, finally earns some airtime for agreeing to trash Vienna to Jake. The conversation went something like this:

J?: "She's basically a shallow, awful person! I thought you needed to know."

Cheesepilot: "Thank you for telling me that. I'm so glad you told me I'm gonna dump your ass!"

Or something like that. Chemical Ali pins him in a corner and probes him about what he's gonna do. He smirks: "It's good I've reached a place with you where nothing has to be said." (Translation: Shut the fuck up!) The last thing we see before the wingman enters tinging his glass is Ali, vowing to rag Jake out of he keeps Vienna.

Rose Fakeus Interruptus

Already safe: Gia the pro, and Watering pot Tenley

Jake comes out and thinking he's short on his cheese-quota for the week, gives the women a stuttering, long-winded string of BS bombs. "I'm practically ready to kill myself because I have to cut any of you!" He then proceeds to try and dump most of them.

1) Chemical Ali--Fared better than her namesake in Iraq this week--but not much

2) Long Face Corrie--ok.

Thirty seconds of fake hemming and hawwing ensue before the Cheeser staggers away in search of the wingman. We're supposed to believe that Harrison, instead of skulking around the corner waiting for the Final Rose Warning as usual, is several rooms away signing autographs for the crew. Joke tracks him down and mumbles and stumbles so incoherently, Harrison finally says: "What are you asking?"

"Do...do I have to give out two more roses?"

The wingman stares at him and then recaps dramatically: "Ok, let me get this straight; are you saying you're sure that none of these women are going to be your wife?"

"Yes."

"Ok, let's do this: we'll take back one rose?"
Huh? He just said he's certain he doesn't want either of them. What's the problem, winger; you need an extra body to get the 50% off deal at Denny's or something?
Harrison digs Jake up a raw green onion for his lapel and then leads him back into the rose room and does his 'last rose of the night' bit.

Jake works up some eye-rain, pauses for forty-five seconds and then whines: "Vienna?"
How surprising.

Jessie Who? hugs him and he tells her: "I...I listened to every word you said and took it seriously." Really? She told you Vienna is a spoiled, loud-mouthed, gold digger! That's your wife material eh? Heheheh. Yeah, this is real. She gets outside and says she can understand him keeping all the other girls but not Vienna.
Blond Ashleigh saunters out of doors and slams both Jake and Mrs. Gold digger with some scathing sarcasm and bawls.

Absurd is clearly not a word in Mike Fleiss' lexicon. Next week? More hate; what else? See ya then.

1/18--One Block of Cheese; One Chunk of Sausage

Oh, lucky me. My DVR decided to cut out the first few minutes of last nights drama travesty so I missed out on all of the recycled crap from last week. That means I have no idea how they dealt with the sinister-sounding 'inappropriate relationship' between Rozlyn the Ho and whatever wandering troubadour Fleiss and Co are trying to say she bundled up with. And considering what a bunch of congenital liars the people who produce this show are, I don't have to try and sound fair-minded and analytical about something less important than the current barometric pressure in Istanbul. They didn't spare me or the audience much though. Sitting through the half-baked, over-hyped direction they decided to go next was akin to putting a loaded nail gun to my skull and opening fire. In lieu of anything real or even remotely tasteful, it was time to launch the semi-annual search for the girl "everyone hates". They sure didn't have to look far to find her either. Considering Jokes jar-of-mayonnaise personality, even watching a hoard of catty bitches in need of medication was downright thrilling.

Things started for me with Chris "Wingman" Harrison taking his leprechaun-sized ass into the Cheesepalace to remind the crazy Cheddar-ettes to be sure and act extra special double-assed psychotic because they won't all get a date every week if they don't get noticed by our hero. His announcement that there will be two, 1 on 1 dates and one group date this week raises the temperature in the room at once and gives Bi-polar Michelle a chance to get the motor on the Bellvue shuttle started early. When Vienna Sausage is announced as the first 1 on 1, last weeks Wholesome Ali begins her quest to get me to rename her Chemical Ali with her poisonous, possessive attitude. Leers of hatred abound as the Sausage heads up to get dressed and then cutaway private interviews show EVERY girl in the house comment on what a twat Vienna is. Well, it's good to see consensus.

Captain America Needs a Midol

The first 1 on 1 date either proves that Jake Pavelka will do anything--and I mean anything--the producers of this crapfest tell him to, or this guy needs to lay off the estrogen supplements. The date begins when the Cheeser rams the Sausage onto his moped and they go canoodle around 'his' house. A helicopter lands and he takes her on a flight into the middle of California nowhere where they land on a bridge over a ravine. During the flight Jake reveals to Vienna that he has a fear of heights--a perfectly understandable phobia for a flier. Once they land, it's obvious its time to go bungee jump. Before they crawl out onto the ledge of the bridge, Vienna lets us know she has a height phobia as well. It must be time for a 'leap of faith'. Wow, they haven't done that since...last season! ZZZZZ. They gear up and step out onto the ledge where Joke whines, cries and does everything but grow a vagina. Snort! While Jake melts down into a Full Mesnick of tears and menstrual cramps, the Sausage 'mans up' and basically holds his trembling hand through the whole jump. Now, you may say I'm being hard on the Jokester here; I mean, a lot of people have a fear of heights and I'm the first to admit that hopping head first off a perfectly stable bridge is not a natural act. But I'm also not a professional pilot either! If I were a passenger on any airline the Chessemachine worked at, I'd be sprinting out of that airport like terrorists were about to open fire. What confidence it must inspire in passengers to know that the pilot of the plane they are about to board is going to start bawling and piss his pants at the first sign of trouble. It's like hiring a lifeguard with a fear of water:inspiring. Their Leap of Faith now safely behind them, Joke changes his tampon and hauls the tanned one back to his chalet to slurp some vino from the biggest wine goblets I've ever seen.They crawl indoors where they stare and talk about not too much of nuthin'. Cheeser ladles out the Velveeta right away: "I've seen a more serious, nurturing side to Vienna today." Uh huh. They get into the pool where Vienna rides his rod and launches this Pearl of BS:"I'm on Cloud Jake right now!" Anyway, they complete the ol' Oklahoma tradeoff: she gives him a boner and he gives her a rose. Bully.

The Joke is on Us

The Jokester now takes a gaggle of his cheddar-ettes to the comedy club of Jon Lovitz so we can see Lovitz waddle around like he wants to be the next Rodney Dangerfield and we can see just why comedy is best left to professionals. Lovitz tells the women they will have to perform onstage not just for Howdy Doody but for a packed house as well. This inspires an instant meltdown by Blond Ashleigh, who obviously doesn't find complete humiliation a barrel of laughs. The girls work on their routines for about five minutes and suck down some 'liquid courage' while a crowd of passer-bys Fleiss has kidnapped wander into the club and take their seats. The women go out one by one and 'perform'. Some show a true compatibility with Pavelka by showing their Corn while others drop f-bombs and try and act like pros. Most revealing was Long Face Corrie, who does impressions of the other girls and spends most of her time flaying the absent Vienna Sausage alive. The other girls all howl with laughter and the Cheeser is just stunned. "It makes me wonder what they're seeing about Vienna that I'm not." I'd say it sounds like all of her except her tits, Jake. Anyway, they all finish up and he takes them to a rooftop wrap party. Perhaps tellingly, Jake seems to spiral down on hearing from every last one of the girls that Vienna is a total crotch rot. Every girl, that is, besides Bi-Polar Michelle, who looks ready unleash her own insanity on him the second she gets him alone. After spending her time on stage predicting that she will rape Jake shortly, the Cheeser doesn't wander too far away with her, but it's far enough. She launches into a rant about just how desperate she is for a husband and then kisses him. He gives her a tepid peck and what little glue she has holding her together melts. She bitches him out for not attacking her and threatens to leave again. Desperate to reclaim some fortitude after that wuss-out at the bridge, le fromage basically tells her to haul ass. Stunned he isn't madly in love with her, she lets him yank her downstairs to a waiting cab, where he ditches her. Back at the party, Watering Pot Tenley gets to tell him she's been married before and has her moment of the week to spring a leak and water the roof, and a constant drumbeat being played by Chemical Ali seeks to form an anti-Vienna faction. Exhausted from the realization that most of the women he's kept are bitchy psychos, Jake announces no rose will be given out and he wanders away looking whipped.

Your (brief) Moment of Sanity

Amidst the circus of covergirls, bitches, and straitjacket models, it says a lot when it takes a Tennessee hairdresser to inject some small amount of sanity into the proceedings. The second 1 on 1 of the night features the Cheeser taking Sultry Ella to Sea World to frolic about with whales, dolphins, and her own kid. In a replay of Jason Mesnick's nauseating Legoland date with older southern belle, Catwoman Stephanie and her daughter, the cheesemachine drags a southern lady he has zero chemistry with to a water park. Way to change things up Fleiss. Compared with about every other woman on the show this week, Ella makes sane and sweet and it's a shame she looks more like Jake's aunt than his girlfriend. Her son is included in a vain attempt to give the afternoon a family feel. Just like the Mesnick date, of course, the rose is never in doubt despite the chemistry issue. You don't really think Fleiss is going to fly some kid out to California so he can watch Captain Camembert dump his mama, do you? It was only truly painful when he went to kiss her; I could hear the banjo from Deliverance again. Ouch. Shame. Nice looking lady who at least acts sincere and sane. I almost forgot I was watching the Bachelor for a minute. Fleiss is about to fix that.

The Vienna Show

No use avoiding it any longer. This entire episode has revolved around Vienna Sausage and the fact that all the other girls in the house hate her guts. Pavelka arrives at last to belatedly knife Elizabeth the Tease for being a cock tease on their last date. Unable to resist, the producers send the Sausage in to steal him away despite having a rose, and film the scene so badly you could actually see Vienna standing in the background on her Mark and waiting for her cue from the director. (Rolls eyes). The Tease retreats in tears and gives Chemical Ali a chance to rip the Sausage yet again. Finally the Teaser comes back out to confront the Cheeser and the producers use the editing axe to make sure any explanation she gives him sounds nonsensical. Jake mimes having some balls and blows her off. Finally--mercifully--the wingman enters and calls the travesty to a halt.

Rose Time:

Already safe: Sultry Ella and Guess Who?

1) Gia the pro--compared to almost everyone else, she looked compassionate and sane. Have we entered the Twilight Zone?

2) Long Face Corrie--ok

3) Watering Pot Tenley--Waaaaahhhhh!

4) Chemical Ali--Wholesome to vicious faster than a speeding bungee jump

5) Jessie Who?--If this keeps up, this girl gets to keep her reputation via her total silence.

6) Kathryn--Silent but not deadly (so far)

7) Blond Ashleigh--Comedy is not pretty.

Cut: Elizabeth the Tease who whines and cried a tiny bit, and Ta Da!--Silent Valisha. Congratulations Valisha; you made it! Only her few parting words were ever shown. Might have been as nice as a cupcake or as crazy as Manson--we'll never know. Mute is the best way to go through this show. Well, other than Vienna doing her pole riding and Jake attempting to act like he's interested in Ella, this show added up to about 15 minutes of awkward romance and a one hour and thirty-minute Prozac commercial. How many more of these do I have to watch?

1/11--Cloud 9

"I feel like I'm on cloud 9." I'm on cloud 9 right now." "After that date, I'm on cloud 9 right now!" All right, all right, all right, I get it! He's a fuckin' pilot! I got it already! Good god, can't they do anything half way? Must everything be relentlessly driven into the ground like that dumb "I'm too sexy for my shirt!" song? Speaking of, did you notice how many times they managed to get 'ol Shorty out of his top? He took the gals on a modeling photo shoot and suddenly his tits were hangin' out. I want my money back. But I guess I shouldn't complain.Your old ship captain is about as straight as they come, but even I'd rather stare at his chest than have to watch his terrible acting. Hey Landrum; William Shatner called and hoped you enjoyed the overacting lessons. If you actually studied acting, you're the one who should get your money back. Work on it, Cheesemachine! You're making my eyes bleed. But the theme of the night must be served, and the previews make sure to hang Rozlyn the Ho out to dry like yesterdays laundry. And the producers were good enough to play the theme music from Jaws just in case anyone was too thick to get it. The cheeser also pops in to a shout out some scripted hyperbole: "Last night was the best night of my life! Nice guys finish last! I'm the luckiest guy in the world!" The necessary cue-card reading at an end, the wingman comes sashaying out and lets the Cheddar-ettes know the date line up for the week--two group dates, and a one-on-one date. He also ominously warns the babes that they had better lose their minds, trash each other, and act like fools to get noticed because "not everyone will be getting a date each week." That message seemed to get thru at least, cause they do indeed start to act like a sack full of glue-sniffing cats right away.

Jake and the Real Girl

Cruelty? Sure, I got some for ya. How about setting up a group date to a modeling photo shoot that consists of 1 slightly above average-looking girl with a decent bod, a fairly wicked sense of humor, and pair her up with 4 bikini models? That should do the trick. Normal-girl Christina is sent to her humiliating doom along with 4 babes who could have Hefner strokin' his ancient mule: Gia the pro, Blond Ashley, Valisha the silent', and Rozlyn the Ho all pile into a stretch SUV with the Cheeser and go to meet the In-Style magazine folks. Oh, yeah, Long-Face Corrie was there too, but we never see her. Four professional models and one gal next door. Nice. The camera, when not trying to peek up the other gals' dresses or down their bikinis, focuses almost solely on Christina and her impending meltdown. Some homo from In-Style comes out positively towering over ol' Shorty and lets the gals know that they will be doing a photo shoot. Sweat pours from Christina's forehead: "I'd rather take a math test!" I bet. This was like taking an average guy to the set of a porn movie and telling him its time for a size comparison contest with the pros. Christina sweats buckets while Gia the pro is rather amazed she actually gets to pose with some clothes on, and Rozlyn the Ho talks about doing this a million times. At some stage of the dress up, the Cheeser manages to lose his shirt. Yecch. Then Roz moves out and starts posing like the pro she is. Cheeser ambles up and at one stage, Roz hikes her leg and the Fleissmonster inserts a black bar the news networks use to protect prosecution witnesses to let us know Roz just flashed her furburger at the camera. Did she? No idea. Christina mumbles she did and no doubt the audience will assume she did anyway, so she might as well have. The other girls go while Christina sweats and finally, its her turn. She does just fine and Cheeser comes up to pose and sooth her. A personal interview is inserted where Christina waxes with apparent sincerity about Joke and how he is just a wonderful guy for helping her. Careful Kiddo; there's a steep drop off that cliff.

That's a Bikini Wrap

Jake then hauls the gals to a hotel rooftop pool for a wrap party. His first victim is Gia the pro. The producers, upset he asked her a real-sounding question about her life, send Blond Ashely out to steal him wearing a black bikini. While Cheeser runs away to change into his baggies, the producers order all of the women into bikinis. Ashley takes a few minutes to plop down on Joke's lap to ride his pocket rocket before all the gals emerge in bikinis and join in. The camera spares us no sight as the 4 pros frolic about showing themselves to be total strangers to the concept of body fat, and no strangers at all to the concept of Plastic Surgery. Christina cowers on the steps and tries to hide under the water and then (understandably) gets drunk. (Funny how they all get drunk but only the gals about to get booted are shown drunk, while the others get their slurs edited out, isn't it?) Jake hauls Roz the ho away for a little talk and she practically assaults him with her lips. The Cheeser, in obvious disbelief that a woman this hot would actually touch him, proceeds to grow a forest full of wood in his drawers. He goggles at her and then Mr. ""I just want a woman with a heart of gold", practically tramples the camera crew and other contestants to get to the date rose. Yeah, Joke, a woman with a heart of gold--provided she looks like Roz. It was obvious how much you were taken by her personality. I mean, you must have exchanged about twenty words with her at this point. Hehehe. Date over.

A Wholesome Cinderella

While Joke and bikini bimbos finish off Christina's self esteem, a card and diamond necklace arrive at the Cheese Palace, but there is no name attached. This allows the left behind cheedar-ettes to speculate and allows Bi-Polar Michelle to show some crazy. But much to her insane chagrin, a follow up note arrives at dawn telling Wholesome Ali to go and get her air sickness bags ready, cause the Cheesemachine is going to cure her fear of flying...even if it kills her. The Cheeser arrives and festoons her with the necklace before he hauls her out to his moped and slaps the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger helmet on her head and its off to the airport. A Piper Cub or some other Buddy Holly-type plane awaits them. Jake is shown carefully checking his aircraft before take-off and this is performed with as much seriousness as if he's about to hurtle skyward to meet the Red Baron in battle. Ali looks like she needs Depends as Joke takes her up, up, and away! They cruise around the California coastline so she can relax and the producers can blare "On the Wings of Love" since they paid for the rights. They land and Ali has relaxed substantially since Jake, for all his BS, is actually a real pilot and flying is about as dangerous as bowling these days. Ali gushes about overcoming her fear while people with real flying phobias join me and roll their eyes.

But planes, I fear, are just not cool enough, so Jake takes her for a ride in a car right out of the Great Gatsby. He takes her to a park for dinner and then over to a field for a private concert with Chicago. "He took me to the most romantic evening. We got to see Chicago!" Left unsaid was the part where Ali, who was about 2 the last time Chicago had a hit, said: "Who the hell are these old guys?" Nevermind. Anyway, constant private interviews, show us Ali has fallen deep into the Bachelor bubble as she gushes about the Jokester as the perfect guy. True, the date was cool, and romantic...I just hope the producers checked birth certificates carefully, because from some angles Ali looked about 15. Seriously, folks, this was an f1 set up if ever there was one. I was powerfully reminded of Tessa Horst and Andy Baldwin here--Ali even had Tessa's dress on. Without the leaks from Reality Steve that says Ali leaves of her own accord, I'd swear we just saw the finale. But I don't doubt Steve; so someone must have slapped some sense into Ali somewhere along the line. Rose? Check! Date over.

Magic Bullshit Mountain

Next up, it's time for a visit to Six Flags Over Muenster as Joke takes his remaining ettes, (less Watering Pot Tenley and Bi-Polar Michele) to a closed theme park to hit the coasters. The news she will be skipped, prompts Bi-Polar Michelle to grab some attention by packing her bags and then...sitting her ass down. Yawn. Back at BS Mountain, Vienna Sausage and Brunette Ashley play exposition characters and narrate us through the date. They barely get inside the front gate when Elizabeth the Tease snatches Jake away and reads him a note telling him not to kiss her unless she is the final one. BUZZZZZZZ! Thank you for playing Teasemaster. Jake, however, Velveeta's the audience: "I respect her values." Yeah, right. He gives her the date rose for being frigid and then she sits alone with him and tries to tease him to insanity. In the end, he kisses her forehead while she sticks her collagen-injected lips about an inch from his cheddar ones. Its actually a good ploy. (He might just keep her until the Fantasy Dates so he can try and break her back in revenge.) It does, however, give Vienna Sausage, who looked shallow, vapid, and brainless last week, to look both possessive and prudish: "I think it's too early for kissing." Really? In just a minute, you're going to admit that the you eloped with (and presumably had hot monkey-sex with) some guy you barely knew. What's a little smooch? No matter. All of this pounds past us while Brunette Ashley gets to leer into the camera and turn on her 'Manson Lights'. Jesus, she has creepy eyes. This girl is still single? I can't imagine why. Elizabeth the Tease gets the rose and fireworks erupt as the other girls are unceremoniously hauled away.

Cocktail Party Ambush

Watering Pot Tenley and Bi-Polar Michelle score the party's first 1 on 1 and do the serious bawling bit before we get to the meat of the evening. While Tenley passes on the divorce news and Michelle passes on the sanity, the wingman slithers into the gathering and hauls Rozlyn the Ho away. Out front of the Cheese Palace, Harrison pins her about having an 'inappropriate relationship' with a staffer and lets her know that the staffer has been axed and she needs to leave. Roz's responses vary between deer in the headlights, caution, and some pseudo-admission that something happened. Harrison tells her she needs to pack and leave and then says the dumbest thing yet this season: "No one's judging you." Really? Kicking her ass off the show would seem to be a judgment of some sort, winger. Roz, either deciding to take the fifth and cut her loses, or truly surprised that they waited until the cocktail party to out her, heads upstairs accompanied by some palooka who watches her like she might steal the silverware on her way out. I know this is all over the net and Roz has both her defenders and condemners, but something obviously did transpire. The winger kept it bland and non specific, but Brunette Ashley and her Manson Lights were under no such constraints: "She had some sexual affair or whatever!" Bingo! Inappropriate just became a hot sex romp. Roz is escorted away and Harrison steals the Cheeser away from Christina. He breaks the news and for about 15 seconds, Pavelka seems surprised and genuinely stunned.

Captain Camembert recovers quickly, however: "Can I have my rose back?"
Harrison: "Absolutely. We don't want to waste a rose on someone when there are a room full of deserving women in there. (Translation: We aren't going to use up one of our precious roses on some crab-laden ho like that!)

Roz is carted away to her own little slice of Bachelor=infamy. Did she screw around? Unless she favors broom closet quickies, I doubt it. They are filmed 24/7 and she had only been there a few days. But is it possible? Sure. Better yet, who cares!? With this guy? A farce from the beginning. Anyway, Cheeser wants to be with Harrison when he meets the babes. They gather em up and Harrison does his "inappropriate--lines were crossed,"" spiel. Then...at least half of the women are edited to appear to be bawling.Why? I have no earthly idea. Harrison gathers Joke and tells them: "Ok, Jake and I are going to leave. Please feel free to cry a lot and trash Roz, ok?" Or something like that. The gals all cry and pile on Roz.

Rose Ceremony

Cheeser, who has found a green onion somewhere to stick in his lapel to moisten his eyes, comes out and starts wielding flowers.

Already safe: Wholesome Ali and Elizabeth the Tease.

1) Vienna Sausage--Just waiting for this tabloid bomb to go off.

2) Gia the pro--Cha-ching!

3) Watering Pot Tenley--Doesn't cry. Miracle.

4) Ella-sultry single mom under the radar this week. Either really good or really bad for her. I'd bet the latter.

5) Silent Valisha-nary a peep but 'ol Barbarossa would have some words for her.

6) Long Face Corrie--Ok.

7) Jessie--Who?

8) Blond Ashleigh

9) Bi-Polar Michelle--producers love this one

10) Kathryn--who?


Ok, two down and waaayyy too many to go. Until we meet again, friends: (You know).

1/4--America: Meet the Cheesemachine!

Wow. And I thought this guy was full of shit. I mean, I knew he was a pilot, but I had no idea he would be flying the Air Force's new BS-52 Cliche Bomber.

"My office is at 37,000 feet."
"Love is stronger than flying."
"If I follow my heart, I can't go wrong."


America, I hope you like your cheese in great big-assed blocks, because Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka has landed!

Folks, how I'm supposed to do this I have no idea. I rolled my eyes so much last night I think I may have detached my retinas...and it was only night one. I mean, golly! (He actually uses the word: "Golly!") It's a well known fact that absolutely no one under the age of eighty has used that exclamation in the last sixty years except to forewarn a victim that the speaker is more full of shit than the septic system beneath a greasy Mexican restaurant. Don't believe me? Just imagine yourself being approached by a car salesman who opens his pitch by saying: "Golly!" You'd grab a hold of your wallet and run the other way like an asteroid. THIS is the guy Producer/ Douche-Rocket Supreme, Mike Fleiss, has foisted on the semi-suspecting public as his new Adonis of fairytale love? Cheese and Corn are not nearly powerful enough adjectives to describe the events of last night.

First, we get nearly 20 minutes of non-stop hyperbole shouted at us by Chris "Wingman" Harrison while the Cheesemachine does everything but play the violin with his shirt off. Then, in an effort to make the habitually square look hip, Fleiss plops him down on the dinkiest little motorcycle I've ever seen and sends him on to the Cheese Palace wearing a giant helmet that looked like it was stolen out of an old prop closet from the set of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Suffice it say, Cool is not a word that came to mind. Harrison then hauls his new Gomer into the backroom for a pow wow and we get our first look at this seasons babes. It's a sad day when the parade of psychos, famehoes, and bi-polar Olympians are the high point of the evening, but they are. It's certainly one of the best looking gaggles they've ever assembled and several even threatened to look sane...but it's early yet. The Cheeser all but guarantees marriage and keeps on aw-shucksing so much, I expected to see the ceremony before the evening ends.

The Cheddar-ettes

Harrison finally stops talking to the dick before I'm forced to ram a hot darning needle through my eye and it's time for the limos. Several gals made a quick first impression: (Quite a few did)

1) Rozlyn--Yow! Tall, leggy blond of the model-perfect variety.

2) Emily--short, brunette with dazzling eyes. Got cut? Huh?

3) Ali--Blond so wholesome-looking she could sell Wonderbread. Expect to see this one a while.

4) Tenley--Previously married but sounded as chaste as Mother Teresa anyway. Mumbled about being 'in love' but never got her crazy on. Barged in and got the first kiss but sounded shy as a hermit. A walking contradiction is this girl. She'll be around a while me thinks. First Impression Rose.

5) Vienna--Smokin' hot bod matched up with some crazy crossed-eyes. Later has Jake feel her up several places. She was gettin' a rose.

6) Ella--Sultry southern babe who looks to have stolen Angelina Jolie's lips. A little older though and has a kid already. We'll see.

7) Corrie--Aw, what's with the long face? Sleuthers say she will be around for a long while. Also bound to be a huge fan favorite because word is she doesn't believe in having sex. Proof that Captain Camembert and I have very different tastes.

8) Valishia-Older, smokin' hot brunette. But older is usually the death knell on this show.

9) Gia--Yeow! Some kind of hybrid between Jolie and Paula Abdul before she got a permanent room at Bellvue. Rose? You ARE kidding.

10) Elizabeth (Nebraska)--Courtney Cox doppelganger. Plays football with Le Cheeseball later and shows him just who has the "girly arm".

11) Elizabeth (D.C.)--Air National Guard Captain. Too smart, too accomplished. See Ya!

12) Tiana--Pretty...but TOO tall for 'ol shorty. Cut instantly.

13) Channy--Oh, c'mon! This was the best looking Asian gal they could net? Had a mouth so big she looked like Mao Tse Osmond. Compared to the others, this was practically 'Token' cruelty.

14) Stephanie--Cute little dance instructor who acted normal. Run out of cheesetown on a rail.

15) Kirsten--Yikes! I've ragged this show for it's Victorian snobbishness concerning divorcees and single mothers in the past, but casting a full blown transsexual might be a bit too forward-thinking for Mr. Golly-Gee.

16) Sheila--Commercial pilot with stunning blue eyes. Sorry, Le Fromage isn't interested in any aviation competition. Bye.

17) Michele--1-800-Psychos-R-Us. This chick was so crazy even Ed didn't get her phone number. Joke kept her anyway.

Also, a couple of Ashleys-Ashleighs- or whatever. All but a couple were hot anyway. Jesse Palmer would have bolted the doors shut and not come out for six months.

The rest? Time-filler hell. Every gal has some shtick to get his attention. I'll reserve judgment until we see a little more.

Jill and Ed Show Up

What the hell was that for? They should have invited Greseball Wes and Caveman Dave--that would have been hilarious. They've adopted a dog? Fascinating!

Ok, one in the books and I'm cringing about number 2 already. Season Previews were shown but I had had enough. This is going to feel like a marathon before it's over. This bastard better keep some hotties! Until we meet again, friends: Arghhhhh!

A Week to Go--An Early Prediction

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