Emily: Week 5--Typhoid Emily

Is it Groucho Time? 

Reports are appearing in the tabloids and from spoiler king Reality Steve Carbone that Groucho Roberto Martinez has swallowed some Fleiss Kool-Aide and agreed to become the next Bachelor. Might not be true, but probably is. The guy is a Star. It's a great coup for the Fleissmonster if true. Personally, I'm already beefing up my Marx Brothers photo library, writing down a bunch of cheap .5 cent cigar jokes, and scanning my thesaurus for relief pitcher ideas meaning "shelled" as in: "they put him in in the 7th inning and he got shelled!" I'll keep you updated. But first, it's recap time.

Merry Olde London:

The Bachelorette leaves the Americas this week and heads out to the Old World. This week your Captain follows the gang to the haunts and history of England, and I see I'm not the only one. Week 2 of Ricki's Free Vacation is in full stride as Emily takes her little tyke sight seeing around London to greet us. After touring Big Ben, along with Kensington and Buckingham palaces, the Maynards speed around London on a double decker bus and Emily fails to drop about a hundred mentions of Harry Potter to her daughter; proving that Exectuive Producer, Mike Fleiss, has enough money to sue Reality Steve but not enough to pay J.K. Rowling, or that since Emily is from North Carolina, little Ricki is clueless on the topic because stories about "good" witches and other witchcraft are strictly verboten. Or both. Anyway, Harrison is seen haunting Trafalgar Square as the meatheads all come running up to him. Wearing a jacket and and yet another purple accoutrement--a ridiculous-looking ascot--Harrison cheerfully informs the meatheads of the date line-up: 2, one-on-one dates and one, pitifully unfunny group date. He also tries his familiar Dark Jedi mind tricks again, "Only one of you will become Emily's husband; yeah, I said it!" as if all ten of the guys had rolled their eyes when he said it instead of the pasted on smiles we were shown. The boys all dismiss to the Mayfair Hotel to laugh their asses off in private as Harrison stomps off to the nearest public house to get rip roaring on Guinness and the ghost of Lord Horatio Nelson can be heard cursing the British Government that they allowed Chris Harrison to cheese up his triumphal square.

As the boys hit the suite, John Wolf finds a date card hiding on a table and manages to read it without cussing: "Sean, love takes no prisoners…and neither do my germs. Emily." And with that, Genetic Marvel Sean is called out to test his immune system. Seems that Emily has caught an awful-sounding bug showing Ricki around London and by the time the Marvel reaches her she is starting to sound very throaty. Before he can get to her though, we hear from the no one-on-one remainders: One-F-Jef, Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer, and Kay-Lynn, about how much they wanted those germs. Kay-Lynn, who will be a bitch the entire night, sounds grumpy from the get go, and Jef and his awful beehive hairdo lets it be known that doom awaits the dateless (cough: Alejandro). Emily greets Sean's Marvelousness in Hyde Park and they tour London on Ricki's old double decker bus. Sean demonstrates he knows absolutely nothing about London, but can cheese it up with the best of them: "London's calling, and you know what? I'm going to answer." Uh-huh. You don't know that Big Ben is a clock but you know Edward R. Murrow's tagline from during the blitz? Just show us the cue card why don't ya, Fleiss. Anyway, they ride around on the bus and Sean proves he's lost without his smartphone. Emily makes like an English Tour Guide and bores him by showing him the royal palaces where Charles and Diana's travesty began and where Kate kissed William more recently. Sean, meathead that he is, stares blankly at her and clearly wants to ask: "Who's William?" but he doesn't. He insists they get a photo of them kissing and he gets his first chance to sample the raging infection growing in her mouth. After a brief interlude where Kay-Lynn is allowed to act like an asshat to set up Emily's explosion later, we see she's taken Sean back to Hyde Park where she quizzes him on his dating history. He cops to one date four or five months ago but it never went on because "she definitely didn't have the qualities I was looking for." These qualities are never revealed naturally. Sean comes across as a milquetoast good guy but we aren't shown anything but his marvelous genetics. They then wander over to a park bench which local cranks usually frequent to predict the end of the world or the next Jewish conspiracy or whatever, and Sean climbs up and launches a boring soliloquy about love. Fleiss dubs out the part where the cranks are screaming at him "kill the Jews!" and "the end is nigh!" Thrilling.

When we return, darkness has fallen and Emily leads Sean into the Tower of London where they are greeted by a Beefeater guard who looked a lot like Paul McCartney's chubby uncle. The Beefeater leads them into the Tower where instead of an ax and chopping block, a lovely dinner has been left out for them. Emily lets Sean know that Henry VIII used to lock up his wives in that Tower and even lopped a few noggins off. Sean looks terrified! No, he doesn't, but if he had any sense he'd be sitting back away from her and her funk; Emily's voice is now little more than a hoarse whisper. Proving he knows as much about Germ Theory as he does about Big Ben, Sean fearlessly dives into conversation and kissing with her. Emily manages to croak out her fears that he is a divorced scoundrel with seven kids. While Emily tries not to collapse into her plate, back at the Mayfair, the group date card has arrived. Overrated Ryan reads "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…Emily". Hmm. Looks like being sick has magically changed Emily's handwriting. Whatever. The Shakespearean missive delivered, all the meatheads stare at each other like apes trying to use a computer and try and decode this confusing message. After concluding it has something to do with some English Queen named Shakestoor or something, Overrated Ryan reads out the names of: Bobble Head Chris, Arie the Racer, Overrated Ryan his own self, Dug the Ticking Timebomb of Fury, Alejandro not the Allesandro, Frohawk Travis, John Wolf (who promptly curses), and Kay-Lynn the disgruntled bottle of Summer's Eve. That means perpetual 8 year old, One-F-Jef, scores the last one-on-one.

Back at the Tower meanwhile, Emily decides it time to drop the bomb that she has a six year old daughter to Sean. Wow, the guy may be a meathead, but he has been around the last 5 weeks Emily. Do they have you on NyQuil; the old original Green Death flavor kind? It must be because she goes on to tell him she wants to be pregnant yesterday. She begins this first date bomb with the preamble, "I don't mean to rush things…" Hey Harrison, can't you get Fleiss to give one more production day here? Your Bachelorette must have a high fever. If a suitor had suggested such a thing, or a bachelorette talking to the Bachelor, we'd all call for the guys in white coats and butterfly nets to haul this person away. Sean, who paid no heed to her threats that they were eating in Henry the VIII's old dungeon, starts to squirm in terror. Emily presses ahead regardless, "How many children do you want?" Sean dances away, "I haven't put much thought to it." She presses for a big number and he relents, "I'm open-minded--two, six, ten." No, you haven't put much thought to it, have you Sean? Emily could care less. She grins at his amazing genetic code and tells us, "I couldn't imagine anyone being more perfect of a husband than Sean." Looks has nothing to do with it, folks. Unsurprisingly, out comes the rose and she all but staples it onto him. They hang out by London Bridge and Sean tries to prove that no damn virus is gonna' scare him by sucking her sick face off. Date over.

Stratford-Upon-Avon

We now see Emily greet the group date meatheads in Stratford-Upon-Avon and tells them that Romeo and Juliet is on the menu. The boys' faces all twist in disgust. "Don't get too scared," Emily tries to calm them. ""I did bring three Shakespeare experts." From the sound of her, she should have brought three infectious disease experts instead. Like these meatheads would care anyway. I can just imagine Overrated Ryan looking confused asking "Infec-what experts?" Nevermind. A couple of old English biddies who know all about Shakespeare come in to watch these chunkheads butcher the Bard. The focus spot is presumptive favorite, Arie the Racer, who pretty much drops a deuce at the thought of having to act. The boys all read Romeo's lines off a card and all are universally awful. Frohawk Travis hams it up with his interpretation of Romeo from Sweetwater Oklahoma. Inspiring. All the boys wallow around except for Kay-Lynn, who tries to read the lovelines of Romeo Montague but does it with so much vengeful intensity he sounds more like a gay Buford Puser. Anyway, the old birds pick Kay-Lynn, Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer, John Wolf, Overrated Ryan, and Kay-Lynn to all play Romeo. The worst two: Dug the Absent Father, and Racer Arie get picked to play nurses in drag. They ham around screeching in female voices like it's a Monty Python gag and Dug even grabs hold of another guy and kisses his cheek with his five o'clock shadow like it's a Benny Hill skit. Arie, who looked better than most drag queens in his dress came off as dense as a tire iron. "Poultice? What's a poultice?" Good lord. I thought the Dutch had a good education system. This guy has been in the States too long and we've dumbed him up. I'm guessing race driver college is the only University Arie has attended. Regardless, the final love scene commences and Overrated Ryan seems to think his ego is an adequate shield to viruses as he basically forces himself on a Emily's Juliet like she was a drunk college freshman. It will be fun to go and see this guy when he finally settles on his chosen profession of an Elvis impersonator performing at county fairs. Anyway, once the acting stops, we come to the main drama of the evening.

Emily Goes All West Virginia Hillbilly on Kay-Lynn.

Once Emily gets the boys to the restaurant, the men all start grousing about comments we are told Kay-Lynn made about Ricki being "baggage." I smelled a rat at once because we never saw Kalon make the comments, but when confronted by Dug, he does indeed admit to the comments and won't apologize. Dug sees his chance and goes and plays Rat and tattles on Kalon. Emily comes to a fast boil and even with her voice 90% gone, she shows off her West Virginia roots: "I want to rip his limbs off and beat him bloody with them!" She marches into the common room and confronts him. Ar first Kalon admits the comments and then lamely tries to defend himself. Emily finally blows up and orders him to get the fuck out. As Kalon exits and continues to wonder at his own marvelousness, Emily storms around and heads out for a walk. She returns and then hammers the boys for not telling her about the comments sooner. Frankly, this had me confused. First of all, it's a proven fact on this show that any contestant who attempts to rat out another is instantly dismissed for focusing on other people and not the lead, and secondly, when were they supposed to tell her? I was waiting for Dug to object when she refused to hand out the rose. "Hey, I ratted the guy out to you!" But no dice. Even presumptive favorite Arie now thinks he's a goner for not lynching Kalon. The bigger question: Is Ricki baggage? From some points of view, of course she is, but that term is loaded with negative connotations and Kalon certainly should have known better. But that's not important for two reasons: one, Kalon frequently used loaded code words in a variety of contexts these past five weeks and this was undoubtedly why he was brought on, and second: Kay-Lynn is a Ko-Lynn, so who cares? Anyway, Emily stays pissed, withdraws the rose, and vows to go home and make her daughter sick instead. Date over.

One-F-Jef Makes His Move…Finally!

Emily, despite her disappointment, goes on the next day to meet One-F-Jef in a park. After watching her lock up with Overrated Ryan, Gentic Marvel Sean, and Arie, Jef looks like an 8 year old boy whose mother cuts his hair. Bizarre. But Emily sure seems to dig the guy. They start out with a fake, forced interlude with some uppity English etiquette specialist named Jean. Jean is a highly scripted pain in the ass. The whole scene was a highly scripted pain in the ass as well. They act like Jean needs to visit the shitter and then these two slip out the second she leaves. They slip away to a local pub to sip beer and eat fish and chips and let Jef insist to Emily that he was the one Kay-Lynn made the Ricki comments to. Jef goes on and on assuring her how he stood up for her and basically told Kalon to take a hike. Jef comes across like he's been taking Mr. Perfect lessons from Dug, but Jef sells it to Emily and it's obvious how into this guy she is. Weird, but it seems real anyway. They go and eat on the London Eye and float above the city while he butters her up pretty good. He fluffs her but waits until the Eye is landing before he moves in for a kiss. She roses him as they land and he finally moves in outside the Eye besides the Thames and gets his share of germs. This guy might be a dark horse; we'll see. Date over.

Cocktail Quickie

Emily arrives at the party and spends her time plastering guys for not ratting Kay-Lynn out quick enough. The guys all retreat and get nervous as she presses to find out why they didn't stand up for her. Arie gets slapped down for it and thinks he's really in trouble. Overrated Ryan gets his moment to ham it up and starts to slither under Emily's skin, despite the fact that she knows better. Portents for the future? Sean, who was on the one-on-one when the Kalon incident happened, gets to butter her up and make out with her. This guy is a major player, no doubt.

Harrison wanders in with the cheeseknife and champagne glass and calls it off.

Dump 'Em Hillbilly!

Roses:
Already Safe: One-F-Jef, Sean the Genetic Marvel.

1) Dug the Rat--Rewarded for tattling. That's a first for this show.
2) Overrated Ryan--future Elvis Impersonator
3) Bobble Head Chris--quiet week.
4) John Wolf--manages not to cuss and sent a shout out to my man Ames by wearing some embarrassing red drawers.
5) Frohawk Travis--Oklahoma's finest Shakespearean actor--not!

Harrison wanders in "Gentleman, Emily; it's the final rose tonight. Excuse me while I go and find something purple for next week…when you're ready."

6) Arie the Racer--so much for drama. Arie versus Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer? Try harder, Fleiss.

Next week: It looked like Emily was storming up to Harrison to demand the behind the scenes info on these guys. Ha Ha! Seriously Emily? On to Croatia.

Emily: Week 4--Bermuda Schwartz

A Scottish Mormon? A Cub Scout Gone Horribly Wrong? Nope, it's One-F-Jef.

Quite an adventure this week as Emily and her meathead's fly out of Charlotte for the sun and storms on the Caribbean Island of Bermuda. Naturally little Ricki is in tow, as we are constantly reminded, but fortunately they keep it to a minimum. But what stood out this week was not the islands turquoise-blue water or gorgeous white sand beaches; no what stood out was Emily's continuing drive to impress with her toughness, down-to-earth humor, and good old fashioned, southern common sense. But she was joined by a contestant who launched one of the great fashion disasters in the history of this show. One-F-Jef, a guy who seems to want to scream: Look at me! I'm different! I'm off-center! For god's sake, pay attention to me! decided the moment was right to try and match Bermuda shorts with knee-high, baby-blue socks and a suit coat. It's pretty bad when homeless bums who frequent the undersides of bridge overpasses, think you're a fashion disaster. Well at least he stood out. But before he incites me to laugh my balls off, Harrison appears like the Lucky Charms leprechaun that he is and sets the fashion disaster tone with some rolled up sleeves of the most pimp-like purple. He also laid out the date line up. Turns out this week will have two, 1-on-1 dates and one of the dreaded 2-on-1-somebody-needs-to-get-his-ass-lost-date. The meatheads all groan as Harrison drops their first date card and vanishes like water vapor. Arie the Racer grabs the note and reads it to single daddy, Dug!, who's ready to sound like Mr. Perfect…when he's not on the verge of exploding with rage.

Dug's Too-Good-To-Be-True-Canned Answers

Doug spends the first few minutes of his triumph working himself up into a tizzy about how he's gonna' get dumped. Arie, sensing Doug's unease and the fact that this guy has got some roid-rage going on, proceeds to needle the guy until Dug is about ready to wring Arie's neck. As a storm blows in, Dug sits in the suites living room stewing in his juices while the other guys hammer him and he goes off like a Tourette's case. Emily comes strolling in while Dug stands up on the verge of tearing Arie's throat out. Emily stares around in confusion and finally lets Dug walk her out. Arie rags him in a P.I.: "Dug was like the Hulk! Dug angry, Dug smash!" Not bad for a European car racer. Once out and about, Dug holds the temper and proceeds to activate the cheese. The guy spends the entire day feeding Emily loads of his relentless sunshine bit. Let's do a quiz, Reader; Dug is:
           A) Cheesy
           B) Furious!
           C) Dull
If you guessed D) All of the Above, you win. About halfway through the date Emily starts to sense she's being BSed. He tells her he started a charity. "Of course you did!" Oh, Emily, you are making my heart swell with your sarcasm. They wander around shopping until Emily walks him to some tourist trap of dubious credibility called the "Moon Gate", where couples make wishes. They hold hands and march thru and…nothing. It's not nothing to Dug though, "That's awesome!" Yeah, walking under an arch, hot stuff.

Meanwhile, back at the meat locker, a date card arrives and Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer reads, "Lets set sail on the sea of love." and calls out Charlie Knieval, Overrated Ryan, Bobble Head Chris, One-F-Jef, Sean the Genetic Marvel, Race Car Arie, Frohawk Travis, and Kay-Lynn. The leaves four guys behind; two for the 2-on-1 and two for being ignored.

Back at the "date", Dug continues to slather on the BS. He insists his last girlfriend dumped him because he spent too much with his son and his failure to wash her car well enough. Emily's nose wrinkles at all the BS. "He's hiding something from me; aways gives me the perfect answer." She tries to fish him out but he won't budge. Finally, he turns the tables on her well enough to get the rose, but this guy doesn't stand a chance. Rose anyway.

Hamilton Yacht Club

The boys all arrive down at the docks and find out they're going sailing. As usual, the sailing is actually a competition; the boys are broken into two teams: Yellow and Red. The Yellows--Arie the Racer, One-F-Jef, Kay-Lynn, and Overrated Ryan get off to a slow start as the Red--made up almost solely of meatheads--Bobble Head Chris, Charlie Knieval, Genetic Marvel Sean, and Frohawk Travis, seem to think that sailing consists of cranking jibs and lowering sails faster than anyone else and that means you win. Uh, no. Sailing means tacking at the right time and stealing the wind from the other guy. The Yellows do exactly that and scream past the meatheads. A final turn move by the Reds nearly saves the day but the Yellow captain tacks again at exactly the right moment and Yellow wins easily. The losers are packed off and Charlie Knieval is made to look like he's crying? Really? Anyway, the Bachelor staff, including the fat Palooka Stagehand, go on high alert to contain the horny Red losers in the hotel suite so they don't slip away and join Harrison in the Resorts lounge picking up chicks.The Yellows get to follow Emily to the beach lounge where they kick back around the pool with the remnants of some tropical disturbance blowing and Overrated Ryan quickly toasts Emily as a "trophy wife." Arie thinks this shows Ryan's "true colors." If it does, then Ryan's true colors are shitbrown and nothing else. This is just the beginning of a long night of Ryan sounding like Greaseball Wes Hayden, without the talent or charm. Arie grabs Emily and takes her out onto the windy beach so they can make out a bunch. Next up is One-F-Jef, who survived the terrible injury of having his finger boo-booed on the boat. Frankly, I got more concerned when I saw him cranking the jib and mistook his wind-blown hair for an escaped beaver attacking his head, but whatever. Jef sits her down on the beach, and comes across as all genuine. He sells pretty good as the wind makes his hair attack him and bemoans he only gets group dates. Emily kisses his boo-boo for him but that's the only kissing going on. Jef plays hard to get and Emily sure seems to like being the chaser. Weird. Overrated Ryan now hauls her away to flirt with her, drop some moronic sports analogies, and sound completely full of himself. They then head back to the pool where Emily drops the rose on Jef, much to the confusion of Arie…and me. Must be the editing. Fireworks explode. Ryan naturally thinks its all a ruse to keep him from being jealous. Barf.

The Non-Existent Bermuda Love Triangle

Back at the meat locker, the next date card arrives and we hear John Wolf and Pretty Boy Nate get called out to not find love. I'm laughing already. Nate, who has been mute the past three weeks, and John, whose only lines have been bleeped out as he serially cusses himself into oblivion, make two of the least compelling 2-on-1 victims in recent seasons. Emily hauls them to a boat to go sailing in the ocean and film some scenes for the Bermuda Chamber of Commerce. She reads some script to let us know how much she regrets that one guy will get "lost at sea." Nice cheese. Anyway, the boys get dolled up and ride a dinghy out to a boat where Emily awaits. Meanwhile, back at the meat locker, the boys argue about age and maturity…zzzzz. Whatever. Bobble Head Chris gets shirty with Dug because Dug is a pompous, fake ass or whatever. The fight for later staged, we got back to Emily and her two nobodies as they go cliff jumping into the ocean. Emily and her suit fillers hop into the ocean and then she takes them to dinner in some tourist trap cave. The normal awkwardness on these dates abounds, so she splits them up and she takes Pretty Boy Nate aside. Nate actually speaks for the first time but can't even describe his wonderful family without dissolving into a fit of tears. Buzz! Good lord son, crying is only allowed at your wedding, the birth of your child, and at your father's funeral. The guy is still alive and you're seated in a cave next to a totally hot chick…and you're bawling like a baby? You're not allowed to cry on this show unless there's a balcony to collapse over. Nate, there is no such thing as a "Sitting Mesnick". Get out! Whatever drama the date had ends. Emily sits down with John Wolf and he doesn't cry like a vagina so he wins and will continue to fill his suit for the next week or two as Nate's crying ass is led away. Date over.

Cocktail Party: Bobble Head's Waterloo.

The cocktail party consists of Bobble Head Chris getting worked up and arguing with Dug because Dug insinuated he's a youngster or something. Buzz! That's it, Chris loses. I'm serious. When a contestant stops focusing on the Bachelor/ette and is shown focusing on the behavior of another contestant, you can play Taps for them. Shame. I liked Chris, despite his bobbling head and chick mouth. He then worsens the offense by getting time alone with Emily and whining about the other guys too. Bumm-pa-bum! Nice knowing you Chris. Shame we won't be seeing you in the finale. Anyway, Genetic Marvel Sean gets some time alone and Emily flirts shamelessly with his genetic marvelousness. They discuss Ricki and make out while Emily giggles. The guy might be a major player. Mostly though, the party is a chance to showcase Ryan as a self-inflated douchebag. Yeah, we knew that already. But let's be clear: the most entertaining and bizarre thing at the party was One-F-Jef's ludicrous outfit--a suit coat with cargo shorts and blue, knee-high socks? He looked like he wanted to appear at a cocktail party for a Scottish Clan discussing Cub Scouts gone horribly wrong before going on a Safari with Marlin Perkins. Worst outfit in the show's history. Is this guy a player? Why?

Wingman Intercession

Fleiss finally sends the Palooka Stagehand down to the lounge to bring Harrison up kicking and screaming to have a sit-down with Emily. They actually have a good talk and Emily continues to sound sincere and SMART. She pegs Dug as a fake and Ryan as a player. She also confirms she likes Jef and Arie and Harrison plugs away while Emily sounds both cautious and bright. Kudos again, Emily.

Dump 'Em Dannette!

Safe: John Wolf, Dug the Insincere, One-F-Jef.

Roses:

1) Sean the Genetic Marvel--Horny Wendy approves
2) Arie the Racer--another player.
3) Frohawk Travis--Who? Didn't recognize him without his dumb egg
4) Bobble Head Chris--like a shot deer, he'll run but not till the end.
5) Overrated Ryan--What was that for? Oh, yeah; Fleiss, you suck.
6) Kay-Lynn--Mercifully silent this week.

Harrison staggers in, counts one, and staggers out.

7) Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer--winner of the numbers game and another free trip next week.

Dumped: 
Greasy-Haired Michael. Says six times more words in 30 seconds than he has in four weeks. Also cries without a balcony. Buzz! Pussy.
Charlie Knieval: Producers try to make him look like he's crying too, but since he's had a bad head injury, I'll superimpose a balcony beside him and tell Fleiss to kiss my ass.

Previews: Kay-Lynn speaks again and Dug Rats him out for calling like Ricki "baggage" and we get to hear Emily drop the F-Bomb! All in Merry Olde London. See ya then.

Emily Week 3: Alessandro Lincoln: Vampire Hunter!

Well, that was pretty good, wasn't it? Thrilling? No. But pretty good. I'm impressed with Emily. She tossed two dudes out who clearly had had enough of this show, but came across as sincere, picky, and tough. Nothing wrong with that. Is she going to meet her husband here? Uh, no. Emily has been single since…well, her entire life. At 26 she is living in a $450,000 plus house, driving a $50,000 SUV and doing it all with no visible means of income. Yeah, I'm sure she struggles to get dates. My well-deserved cynicism aside, she has represented well and is showing a lot more common sense than most Bachelorettes. Well done, Emily. But before I break my arm patting her on the back, I'd better recap.

We get the requsiste opening shot of Emily being served breakfast in bed by her doting momma and daughter Ricki hating all over the cameras like a real little girl. Good job, Ricki; tell all those creepy weirdos to get out of your free house. The poor kid.
After seeing momma doting on her little princess, we switch to Harrison greeting the boys outside of Bachelor Pad Dixie dressed in his casual gear and needlessly recounting all the ways you can get booted off the show. He also fills us in on the date lineup--2, one-on-one dates and 1 Group Date--before he drops the date card and races away to test out Charlotte's best golf courses, his work week already half way over. Charlie Knieval bestirs himself and reads off the name of Bobble-Head Chris: "Love is a steady climb." Fear of heights, anyone? Turns out Fleiss read the wrong psychological profile this time. Chris isn't afraid of heights; Emily is. But lacking terror at slowly step-climbing up a building doesn't phase Chris--he's on the Jake Pavelka Cheese Machine Training Course of ridiculously golly-gee overstatement. "Whatever it is, I'm really looking forward to it and honored to be given the opportunity." In a private interview, he purses his little chick mouth and relates breathlessly, "It's my time to shine!If I don't get that rose, I'll be devastated. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world!" Calm down before you injure yourself, Chris.

Before he hyperventilates, they quick-cut to him walking in the dark with Emily. She gushes about his cuteness and then walks him over to a building for a climbing adventure. They stand at the base of the building and dangle some ropes over the edge so Chris can hammer us with some scripted metaphors from Fleiss's well-thumbed filing cabinet: "Climbing a building is like love. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up, and we're going to end up at the top." And I bitched about the Muppets. Anyway, they use some reverse rappelling equipment I've never seen before, but I think it's equipment specially designed for 80 year-olds. Emily, who appears about as athletic as Courtney Love, manages to slow walk up to the top without even heavy breathing. Couldn't have been too hard. Bobble Head might be a ham with the hyperbole, but he looked damn near bored. So much for quaking with fear; wrong psychological profile, Fleiss. Ha. To stir some drama, Fleiss orders the Special Effects Department to find some lightning flashing about a hundred miles away as they emerge on the buildings roof.

Once on the roof, the thunderstorm Fleiss hires blows Emily's hair around and she flirts shamelessly with the bobbling headed one…or at least she does until she finds out how old he is. "You're twenty-five?" Gulp. Emily expected him to much older for some reason. This gives her a chance to announce his age to be a "red flag" cause she is a package deal, in case he's been living under a rock by the pool these last few weeks and hasn't heard or wasn't paying attention when she hauled her daughter up onstage to frolic with the Muppets. Actually it's just a chance to segue to the ginned up drama of the evening. We cut to a cell phone call between Fugly Tony and his son. Boo hoo. Very moving. Anyway, back at the rooftop, Chris turns on the charm without his bobble head falling off his shoulders, and Emily gives him the rose. She then leads him to a cordoned off street where some country music dude named,er…I don't remember. But I give the guy credit, he wasn't lip synching, no matter who he was. The twosome dances around and finally Chris earns his cheeseball wings when he kisses her and assures us that kissing her was the "greatest thing in my life!" Son of Pavelka. If he tells us nice guys finish last or that he was known as Mr. Dateless, we may have our new Bachelor. But Emily's future husband? Eh, doubtful. Date over.

Emily's Horny Friends

With the Bobble Head safely back at Bachelor Pad Dixie gushing out lines of script to the cameras, Emily heads to a park in Charlotte with her group date gang so they can play with some tykes (to show off their awesome fatherhood skills, don't ya know) and to let her horny, middle-aged girlfriends poke, prod, and grill her beefcakes. Two sensible looking (and acting) brunettes handle the fatherhood questions, while a frumpy Pakistani and a horny, washed-out looking barfly-blond, stick to the sex questions. The blond actually asks the Ostrich Egg dude if he fertilized the egg himself. How come I never get asked questions like that? Anyway, a handful of dudes get asked questions but the 1st Wives Club mostly forces the men to do pushups, dance, and look for other certain clues as to their wonderfulness as husbands and fathers. That is, they did..until Bodybuilder Sean arrives. He walks up and I thought the blond was going to try and rape him. Sean turns as red as a beat as they make him strip down shirtless and act like their personal slaveboy. Blond Wendy gushes that he is a "genetic gift to the world", and then sits on his back while he does shirtless push ups. Why do I get the feeling she wished Sean were facing the other direction? Anyway, her horny friends finished, Emily tosses some cold water on the boys by siccing some tykes on them. They all frolic in the park, but Arena League Ryan decides to break ranks and introduce Emily and her friends to a dose of his undeserved arrogance. He breaks in on their hen talk and lets Emily know that if she ever gets fat, he's gonna' trade her in on a 20 year-old hardbody. Emily doesn't care much for that, and who could blame her. The guy's a personal trainer who used to play Arena League and has a douchy bedhead. Where did the high opinion of himself come from? Confidence is one thing; arrogance quite another. From now on his name is Overrated. You just know this guy was in a college frat that specialized in getting 18 year-old freshman too drunk to resist. What a Tool.

Fugly Tony Dumps Himself

As darkness falls, Emily takes the gang to swank place called Butter, and it's here that she fawns on Sean, and where Fugly Tony decides he has no chance with Emily and uses his son as an escape hatch. Sean, who looked like solid gold during the group date, continues to get a shining edit. The guy comes across as earnest, honest, interested in faith, and from a strong family. And he's shredded. Just ask horny Wendy. Next up is Dug!, and his beady eyes, who tells a tale of woe of being abandoned and then spending time in foster homes. It was pretty tough. Emily started crying. He's looking good for the moment. But after the touching stuff, it's time to bore us. Overrated Ryan digs into Fugly Tony and tries to get him all worked up about his kid so he can exit. The next one-on-one card arrives while Tony gets wound up to walk out, and no surprise, the date goes to Racecar Arie. He can hardly wait to jump in front of a camera and launch into some cheesy racing metaphors. "I'm used to things moving fast, but it's been slow so far with Emily. I'm hoping this date really revs things up." Is Arie a Formula One driver? His sponsor must be Velveeta. Maybe they call his car the McClaren Cheesebag? Anyway, Kay-Lynn tosses a lame put down at him, "Can you drive a stickshift?" Arie assures him he can, and we all know that Kay-Lynn can drive any stickshift he comes across, even if it's attached to a guy named Bob. Regardless, it's time for Fugly Tony to work himself up into a lather and set the groundwork for his escape. He sits with Emily and whines…and whines…and whines. Look, I could give a shit if this guy misses his kid. Go home! Fine by me. But if it's genuinely bothering you, why did you agree to be separated from him for weeks? Emily was gone for a 7 week shoot on Brad's show and she didn't whine herself off the set. Shockingly, little Ricki survived. Anyway, Dug!, who apparently doesn't miss his kid much, hauls Tony into a dingy alley and tells him his kid won't even remember him being gone, so don't sweat it. Dug's right. But saying it that way makes it sound like you don't care about your tyke for shit, Dug. I don't mind Fleiss putting single parents on this show in the least, but I don't want to hear them spend half an episode whining about their kids either. But noooooooooooooo. One of Fleiss' minions hands him a cell phone so he can call the disinterested kid and he can work himself up into a full lather. Was this real? Was Tony's only reason for leaving the pain of separation? Maybe. But it's also possible with this show that Harrison had the guy in the alley kneeing him in the crotch so his eyes would water. Then they wasted a ton of my time showing the guy whine. Suffice it to say, Emily basically told him to go home to his kid and Tony took off like a shot. One down, two to go.

Dolly Parton was at Dollywood? Shocking!

It's time for erudite, European-born racecar driver Arie to experience some culture shock. The producers decide it was a wise move to have Emily take the only European in the cast to the Dollywood Theme Park, which I believe is located in Peckerwood, Tennessee. Such fun. Look, these Europeans practically vomit at the thought of Disney and hell that place has mimes. So just to rub the stake in the eye, they send Arie to the redneck equivalent:Dollywood.They should have made Arie wear a beret and recite electric poetry while Emily led him around the park trying to get him to try the moonshine. Arie looked as thrilled as you might expect. Once inside the park, Emily and Arie wander around and the producers contract-extort Emily onto a roller coaster so Arie can act all manly and protective. Emily looks ready to poop her drawers as the "Wild Eagle" mounts the hills and plunges around. I wonder if Arie was a true gentleman and held her hair back while she puked? Arie flounders around like a fish out of water, but plays the good sport. Emily looked approving. "I think Arie may have a little country in him." Yeah, and by "country", I think she means Holland, but nevermind. It's time to move on to the point of the visit: its time for the twosome to wander into the musical theater and for Dolly Parton to come out and "surprise" Emily. To her credit, Emily does indeed look blown away at the surprise--which proves she's a decent actress or as dense as titanium. You're in freaking Dollywood, Emily Maynard; home of your music idol, Dolly Parton! You remember Dolly, don't you, Emily? Dolly's the woman who used to famous for having HUGE boobs; now she's famous for looking like a wax dummy of herself. Jeez, Dolly, wrinkles aren't really that scary. Regardless, Dolly "surprises" them and even she thinks Emily is a little dense about the ambush. "Yes, quite a surprise that Dolly Parton is here at Dollywood, eh?" Lol. Dolly might looked like an embalmed hooker, but that was pretty sly. Anyway, Dolly sings for them, acts like she knows something about Emily and then kicks them out of her crypt. Arie takes Emily over to a merry-go-round and sucks her face off. Wow! Man those Europeans are a horny as Emily's friends. Good Job, Arie. The rose is a cert. Date over.

Alley-Cat-Ssandro has Had Enough Too.

At the cocktail party, another suitor decides he's had enough of this show and basically shows himself to the exits. Allessandro, who used to be half of one full Hispanic guy with his partner, Alejandro, gets Emily alone and basically tells her that her daughter is a big "compromise" he would have to make. Since the dude is Portuguese, I was sure there was a translation issue here, and maybe there was. But he assured her it wasn't the case and he knew what he meant. Emily practically removed her high heels and hit him in the center of the forehead with her spiked heel. She rushes him to the exit and throws him out. In the car the guy looked stunned. Still unsure if there was a translation issue, I took a quick peek at Emily's blog and she said Alessandro took her out into the woods to show her all the crosses he'd hung from the trees to ward off vampire. "He thought he was a vampire hunter!" What? The guy thought he was Abraham Lincoln? Wow, what a nut. Then they show us edited footage from the park meeting and we see Alessandro telling Emily's buds that he dated his cousin, enjoys one night stands, and pretty much frequents whore houses. Once Emily throws him out, she has a sit down with Kay-Lynn, so he can show her what a spoiled, egotistical, and condescending bottle of Summer's Eve he is. While whining about having to share, Emily tries to commiserate with his feelings and he tells her, "I love to hear you talk, but please don't interrupt me." BUZZ! Ok, there's all the proof you need that this guys continued existence on your TV screen is a producer stunt. Emily would be better off with Allessandro, the Whore-Mongering Vampire Hunter. Fleiss laughs fiendishly: he's had his whiner, his psycho, and his douche. Good enough. He sends in the Wingman wielding his signature cheese knife and champagne glass and calls the evening to a halt.

Roses: 

Already Safe:
Bobble Head Chris, Sean the Genetic Marvel, Arie the Racer
1) One-F-Jef--quiet week.
2) Charlie Knieval--Might be about time to crashland into Dumpsville.
3) Dug! The Absent Father-- Your kid will forgive you…or write a book about how much you suck for going on reality shows and ignoring him.
4) Michael and his Greasy Hair--considering the only words I've heard him say are "Yes.", I'm pretty sure we can forget about him.
5) Ostrich Egg Travis--Emily was as sick of his ostrich egg stunt as I was and broke it in the driveway. She should have busted it over his frohawk.
6) Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer--He said five words this week. Might make top 10.
7) Overrated Ryan--Proof that this show is based almost solely on looks for the first month. Tool.
8) John Wolf, and his rapidly receding hairline.
9) Kay-Lynn--Go kiss Fleiss for that rose, loser.
Harrison wanders in and does what little he does for a paycheck bigger than Dolly Parton's plastic surgery bills.
10) Pretty Boy Nate--said three words in three weeks. Fill that suit, son!

Dumped: 

Stevie, the squinty-eyed, street performer. Man, how did she let a catch like this guy go? Amazing.

Overrated Ryan now takes a few moments to predict a feud with Arie. ZZZZZZ.
Next week: Bermuda where Bobble Head Chris wants to know why Dug the Absent Father wants to cost him a rose with Emily.

Emily--Week 2: Muppet Torture

Harrison and the only funny Muppet, Statler. Who rules!

Muppet Torture

This is what I get for ignoring the message boards and Twitter the last few months. With Emily's "image" as an angelic single mom, I wasn't expecting drunken blow outs and wild hot tub scenes, but the Muppets? I must be the only person on the face of the Earth that thinks the Muppets are irritating as hell. And before you just dismiss me as a nasty old curmudgeon, keep in mind that this pirate was forced to endure endless episodes of Barney the Dinosaur and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a young father. But the Muppets? They suck. Well most of them anyway. I guess it comes as no surprise that I like the two grouchy old men, is it? Nevermind. Until Emily gets to establish her credentials as Snow White the Single Mom and then heads off to Europe to make out with a bunch of dudes, I'll just have to endure.

Harrison looks ready to endure anyway. Taking a few minutes away from hitting on women on his Facebook, the newly-single Wingman comes out onto the pool deck of Bachelor Pad Dixie and rounds the boys up. With his dark Jedi mind control, Harrison starts off by stating as fact that all the well-sculpted meatheads are already in love with Emily after the Meet and Greet. The boys all smirk, nod and answer "These aren't the droids we're looking for." Harrison grins knowingly and then whips out his favorite threat, "Not all of you will be going on dates this week, so when you get time alone with Emily and the Muppets, you'd better act like you think they're cute or you're outta here!" The men nod in submission and Harrison drops the date card before heading out to meet some young, single "fans."

Arena League Ryan Gets Domestic

Single father Dug reads off the name of former "professional football player" (cough! Arena League) Rhino Ryan and his bedhead. Ryan smirks, refers to his pastor, and then heads inside to muss his hair, scuff his shoes, and un-shave his square chin for his date. This gives sexually challenged Texan, Kay-Lynn a moment or two to read some script to the camera about how badly he wants to pillage Ry--er, I mean Emily. As Ryan emerges in a linen t-shirt, Emily comes tootling up to the mansion in her soccer-mom mobile. A Tahoe? How many kids do you have Emily? Nevermind. They head out to pollute the ozone in her oversized gas guzzler but instead of bungee jumping over a bridge, she hauls Rhino back to her place to mow her grass, steam clean her carpets, fetch her groceries…ok, I'm lying, but not by much. Instead of some high-octane, freaky fake Bachelorette date, Emily takes him inside for an low-octane freaky fake date instead. Emily tells le Beefcake that since she's supposed to provide snacks for Ricki's soccer team, they are going to bake cookies like she always does (rolls eyes). What a shame they stopped selling cookies at the store. Anyway, she dresses him in an apron and they bake some cookies while his penis shrinks to the size of a gnat. Emily is impressed he passed the cookie test. Amen.

She then drives them over to the soccer field but leaves him in the car so Ryan won't hear the other moms screaming at her for bringing cookies to a soccer practice instead of something healthy. The required single mom duties complete, the two are now allowed to act like adults. Emily ditches the Tahoe for an Aston Martin and comes over to pick Ryan up. She tosses him the keys and he drives them over to a ritzy restaurant where four hundred people Fleiss recruited stand outside and post pics to their Twitters as the couple goes inside. They sit down to dinner and she asks some tough questions and he smarms her pretty good. They actually have a deep conversation for the first date, and the chemistry looks pretty good.

Back at the Mansion, the date card arrives and just about every single guy I've pegged as a suit filler gets called out for a something to do with a theater. Kay-Lynn's smarmy noggin pops up on my screen to assure us he "embraces the stage" like the true Barbara Streisand fan that he is. I'm a believer.

Ryan keeps up the charm offensive and scores points with Emily. She lets us know in a private interview that Ryan is too much like Brad, "He's too perfect." Like Brad? Don't you mean like Jake Pavelka? Brad was a commitment phobe; Jake was too perfect. Nevermind. Despite the mixed characters, Ryan seems to have done well and he easily gets the rose. They go and dance while some country group named Gloriana lip syncs and a crowd films Ryan and Emily and put it up on YouTube. Date over.

Ugh! Muppet Time

Emily hauls the 90% suit fillers to see the Muppets. She is joined the by two South Americans who are actually one guy--Allesandro/jandro, as well as Kay-Lynn, John Wolf, Pretty boy Nate, Aaron the Biology Teacher, Fugly Tony, and several others not worth mentioning. They are joined by a couple of players, Bobble Head Chris, One-F-Jef, and the focus of the performance, Charlie Knievel--the collapsing deck daredevil. Now amidst the lameness the Muppets are going to pass around, Charlie becomes the focus of the drama since he's still recovering from the head injury he suffered and has trouble talking…I think. Maybe it's only in public? He was never clear about that. The rest of the time he sounded fine, but what do I know? Regardless, quick as a flash here comes Kermit and Ms. Piggy to irritate the hell out of me. Kermit mushmouthes, sings lame songs, tells lame jokes, and Piggy runs around screeching and karate chopping people for no good reason, like usual. Fozzie Bear comes out to teach a few of the stiffs how to do bad stand up comedy and succeeds beyond his wildest dreams. They perform a dance number where Emily shows she's no Ashley Hebert. Amidst the nonsense, Charlie freaks out and goes to see Emily about his speech problem. She lets him out of singing and instead he gets a soft spot being interrogated by Ms. Piggy. If he could survive that, he's fine. Anyway, the show ends with Emily onstage dragging like Ricki up there to refuse to sing with Kermit. Well at least the kids got taste. Harrison joins Statler, the only funny Muppet, and these two provide the only chuckles of the evening by tearing the show to pieces. No wonder Trojan is going sponsor his next show: ageless good looks, tons of money, and comic timing to boot. Some guys have it all. The guy's a chick magnet. Harrison will do ok too.

The after party ensues and Bobble Head Chris is up first to tell us how he needs the rose worse than air or something. Emily tells him how good-looking he is. This sets him up to pout when she gives the rose to chronic hipster, One-F-Jef. Emily gets him alone and grills him because he isn't slobbering all over her. Jef is a guy I can't get a read on. With his stupid single-F name he's adopted, his skinny jeans, skateboard, and Frankie Avalon hairdo, the guy strikes me as Mr. Pretentious. Other times he seems pretty cool. Truth is, Emily seems smitten with guy regardless of how I read him. Anyway, the evening drags on and various guys get to make their pitches. Emily finally sits them down and gives Mr. Pretentious the rose.

Time for Some Cannon Fodder

While Emily was chasing the indifferent Jef, the date card arrives back at homebase and much to my surprise, Dweeby Joe gets called out. I laugh at once. Joe was a guy I was shocked to see survive night one. Now he gets called out for a one-on-one in week 2? Ha ha. I can already hear the gulliotine blade sliding down the chute. Joe's sole reason for existence is to go and stand in front of a firing squad. Emily tries to cloud the issue by saying Joe looks like "Matthew McConaughey" and predicts a fun, over the top date. To set the trap, Emily takes Joe for a Learjet ride before she yanks the rug out from under him. They fly to West Virginia, take a ride in an ancient Rolls Royce, but Emily is already hinting at the friend card. They go to Greenbriar mansion, a place for southern aristocracy, proving Emily didn't grow up poor. As night falls, Emily emerges down a staircase like Scarlet O'Hara, takes Joe to dinner and dumps his rump. Completely blindsided, Joe heads out on his own as Harrison lays off camera and hits Emily with a cattle prod to work up a few tears. As Joe gets the ride of shame, they let off fireworks anyway so Emily can stand on the balcony and look forlorn about what might have been.

Cocktail Party

As the party opens, the rest of the players who got left behind get a few minutes to raise Emily's blood pressure. Arie the race car driver gets to describe life in his hometown, and shortly Emily is giggling like a teen. Fugly Tony shows his insecurities about being fugly but before he can make his pitch, Ryan, who already has a rose, steals her and she sits and reads a letter longer than War and Peace from the meathead. Fugly Tony sits there listening while Emily reads the letter from Mr. Arena League, and fugly or not, Tony refuses to back out and shows some stones. This makes Ryan looks like a douche. Tony finally gets his shot and tells her he has a five hear-old son. He may be fugly, but he does well. Kay-Lynn is up next to whine about how Dug took his backhanded insults the right way and now everyone hates him. He gets a few seconds of Emily's time to whine about how tough he's got it, and surprise! the producers send Dug in for the steal. Harrison comes in tinging his glass with his signature cheese knife and here we go.

Roses:

Harrison lines em up and Emily comes in and stumble mumbles through a preamble.
Safe--Arena League Ryan and One-F-Jef

1) Kay-Lynn--Producers drama pick goes first.
2) Arie the Racer--easy peasy. There may be no stopping this guy.
3) Michael and his Greasy Hair--suit filler.
4) Pretty Boy Nate--as mute as 'ol greasy hair, but no worries.
5) Sean--Left behind this week but can coast to Top 5 at least.
6) Bobble Head Chris--Has a mouth like a chick, but she likey.
7) Dug--got pissed at Kay-Lynn--not sure I like him anyway.
8) Ostrich Egg Travis--both mute and invisible this week.
9) Fugly Tony--a tweener.
10) John Wolf--eh, not sure about him yet.
11) and 13) Allesandro/Jandro
12) Charlie Knievel--Crash lands into a flower

Enter Harrison:
Emily, gentlemen, it's the last rose of the evening. Did you see me with Statler? How much does he rock? When you're ready.

14) Stevie the Loser: Ugh!

Dumped: Kyle, the finance dork, and Aaron the teacher; two guys who must feel like major dorks after being whipped by Stevie the ugly street performer.

Next week: uh, I really need to read some spoiler I guess. Looks like Arie gets to style it, and Sean steps forward while it looks like Fugly Tony steps out.

See ya then.

Emily Week 1: Southern Fried Cheese

Welcome back, my friends. After a very short off-season where I barely managed to recover from the disaster that was Ben Flajnik, I'm back to pester Southern Belle, Emily Maynard. After months of gleefully ignoring Emily (cause she told me to), Em went and reversed course and decided to turn herself into a public dartboard of criticism by accepting the lead role as the Bachelorette. Damn, all those months I could have been writing about her and her former fiance, Brad Womack, as they had knock down drag out fights and Brad drunk-dialed her all hours of the day and night to tell her A) what a bitch she is or B) how sorry he was for calling her a bitch, but I respected her wishes and ignored her. Now, she wrong foots me. Don't worry, payback is a bigger bitch than a drunk-dialing former boyfriend, Emily.

As the show opens, we are treated to the requisite montage of Emily and her daughter Ricki kibutzing around the mansion that the Hendricks family bought her and her daughter, and doing all the cute things a single mom and young daughter do, without those annoying two jobs most single mom's have: they make chocolate pancakes, swing down at the local park, and we see Emily tuck Ricki in at 7:30 and go and sit miserable and alone on the couch furrowing her brow at the certain fate of approaching spinsterhood. Naturally the spectre of Brad Womack shows up to remind the viewers what a hairy-faced, lying, committment-phobe he is. We see Brad tell her she is his "forever", which must be Texas-speak for "three months." Emily lays Brad the Cad on us and reminds us once again that her former-fiance had the good graces to knock her up before passing away. Miserable and alone, Emily steals a few producer-children and carpools them around Charlotte with Ricki before moping back to her mansion to be all alone. Fortunately for her, Chris Harrison is still around.

The Wingman pops out the front of the mans-- whoa! I better get on and read some message boards. Harrison has abandoned his assigned post at the Bachelor Mansion and tells us that he's in Charlotte, North Carolina. I peer past him at the poorly-lit digs and sure enough, it looks like Producer/sleazebucket Fleiss has rented a house from Gomez Addams. I finally look back at Harrison to see him dressed in his Meet and Greet uniform blathering on about Emily's broken heart and how all her relationships end in plane crashes and 3 AM drunken phone calls. Before I can call the wench queen for a refill, Harrison cues up a preview of the men. The first douche hops out of a helicopter and brags "I'm a young, fun, good looking guy with a few dollars in my pocket…I can wine, I can dine; I'm the modern southern gentleman." Really? Modern Southern Gentleman is now defined as a self-centered, effeminate fuckwit? How come I never get these memos? Several more flash before my eyes, but I'll skewer them later. Besides, it's time for Emily to tell us just how nervous she is.

Harrison greets her outside the Addams mansion and leads her inside. Emily gushes about nerves for filling the role she swore she didn't want. The wingman tries to shoehorn in some sob story about her former fiance but thankfully, she shuts him down. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." Thank you. Shame the producers don't feel the same way. Harrison shifts gears and tells some lies about how they changed the venue to Charlotte instead of L.A. so Ricki wouldn't be put out. Really? According to what I just read on a board, you were in Charlotte for 3 episodes, then it's off to see the world with Ricki in tow apparently. Why not just move the girl to L.A. with her mom and skip the lowlight palace? Nevermind. Why do I even bother to ask. Emily insists she wants a hoard of kids and off we go.

After a commercial, Harrison walks Emily out front and presto! she has a magically altered, and much better hairdo. (Lovely editing, Fleiss.) And here they come:

1) Sean: 28 year-old insurance agent that simply introduced himself. The wench assures me he's cute. Good start.

2) David: Dorky musician with a fruity 5 o'clock shadow. He was seen in the previews assaulting a piano and screeching out Emily's name. Not feeling this guy, despite the excellent hair.

3) Doug--Dug! Whips out his 11 year-old son instantly and overplays his hand to death. Later, he pulls out a letter he strong armed his kid into writing to Emily. The kid wins the First Impression Rose. Dug? Not sure.

4) Jackson--hip name, pink shirt and cheeseball supreme. Drops to a knee and yammers something about having his breath taken away. Supposedly a "Fitness model". Looked like a Romulan to me. Waited until after he got dumped to strip down and show off his torso. Looked like a Stretch Armstrong doll. Don't worry, he was soon free to go home and continue the love affair with himself.

5) Joe, a Field Energy Supervisor who led with a preamble of "Emilyyyyy! Whatscha say?!" and acted like he skipped the booze and hammered the Moutain Dew instead. Danced around like a hyperactive toddler and practically defined the term "Nerd."

6) Arie: This one caused a spike in the wench's blood pressure and Emily's too, from what I saw. Tall, blue-eyed race car driver from the Netherlands. I googled around and saw he was the son of Arie Luyendyk--a guy I saw win the Indy 500. Might be a player.

7) Kyle: Finance dork shopping about a mile out of his league.

8) Chris--Bobble-Head Chris: Odd-looking dude who pulled out bobble head dolls of himself and Emily and hammed it up. She appeared to like him though. We'll see.

9) Aaron: High school biology teacher who's "here to strike out with you", or something like that.

10) Alessandro: A "grain merchant." What, is he a bread salesman? Turns out he's from Brazil. Funny though, I though he looked more like an Alabama redneck. Not feeling it.

11) Jef--One-F-Jef: Nice hair, dude. Weirdest doo of the night. Some kind of Buster Poindexter bouffant and comes in riding a skateboard. I was feeling Jesse "The Stoned Snowboarder" vibes from this guy until I re-watched the previews. Turns out he is CEO of a bottled water company who provides water around the world to those who can't get clean h2o. Seriously, if this guy is legit, he's addressing one of the most important issues in the developing world. Many folks don't know this but the leading cause of the death in the developing world--especially for children--isn't some weird Ebola strain, it's a lack of potable drinking water. That simple. This guy might be a fraud or a douche, but that's a valuable service. I'm still not gonna' give him a break on that hair though. Or the stupid name. Emily seemed intrigued by him though. Might be a sleeper.

12) Lerone--Holy crap! It's a black dude! Boy 'ol Fleiss really knows how to give the middle finger to the PC crowd, doesn't he? He skips having a black guy for the San Francisco career girl and the Maine dentist, and then sics one on the Confederate Princess? Shame too. Good looking, normal-acting, real estate dude. I'm sure Emily is catching hell over dumping him, but I'll cut her some slack. Although interracial relationships are as common as rain in Seattle these days, some people are just not attracted to folks outside their own race. We like what we like. Still a shame though. Compared to a few of the turds she kept, this guy wasn't black, he was solid gold. But I knew when I first saw him that I'd be able to time this guy's tenure on this show with an egg timer.

13) Stevie: Ugh! Arrives with a boom box and dances around like a Tool. Wears a horrible green shirt with his suit and tells Emily he's "an dancer, an MC, an entertainer." Sounds like a guy who cages quarters in the subway to me. Kinda ugly too.

14) Charlie: stout, muscle-bound dude who was highlighted in the previews for preferring falling off collapsing decks to having plane crashes. Bragged he had a traumatic brain injury, which explains why he's on this show.

15) Tony: Lumber trader. How's that job sound? "I'll trade ya 3 2x4's for 6 2x6's." Leads with a plastic slipper on a pillow. Hey Emily, did you know Prince Charming was so fugly? Got a rose anyway. Hey Lerone, what do you think about that?

16) Randy--Jonathan Winters. Just to make sure I'd have nightmares, he shows up dressed like Maude Frickert too. Emily looked like she wanted to slam her plastic slipper into his fanny.

17) Nate: Pretty boy Nate. Uh, Emily thinks he smells good. Time for some rogaine, pretty boy.

18) Brent: Well hello Grandpa! 41? Seriously? This guy is only a few years younger than your old captain, and I'll tell you that I would win a Who's Younger contest with this guy. Later he tells her that he has 6 kids. Yeah, and how many grandkids? Randy looked younger in his Maude Frickert outfit. Weirdest casting ever.

19) John: "Wolf" Uhhhh, no. I hear his last name is Wolfson or whatever, but don't lead with that, stupid. He's a "Data Destruction Specialist". Big deal. So's my wife. I have to buy her a new computer every six months. They pay you for that? I'll have her give "Wolf" a call.

20) Travis. Arrives with an ostrich egg. Yeah, I just write 'em, I don't make 'em up. She made him wait for the rose until last.

21) Michael: Curtains of long, greasy hair. Wasn't shown saying a word. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Suit Filler. Go stand in the corner with grandpa and the black dude.

22) Jean-Paul: Qui Qui! Marine biologist who told Emily he didn't know anything about her. Whoosh! Out the door he goes.

23) Alejando--Mushroom Farmer. No shit; I kid you not. Colombian farmer who snazzy dresses and has diamond earrings. You sure you're farming mushrooms?

24) Ryan: Bed-headed Ken doll who declares he was a "professional football player." Really, what team? Oh, Arena League. I googled it. Let's not oversell there pal. Professional Football players make more money than New York garbage men. Emily seemed to like him though. Had a good intro where he reads a note that charms her. But it always amazes me that men spend 45 minutes on their hair to make it look like they've never touched it a minute in their lives. Weird.

25) Kalon: How I hoped this guys name rhymed with Talon. I was going to call him Kalgon, as in Kalgon, take yourself anyway! No such luck. It's the douche from the intro and he pronounces it Kay-Lynn. He comes in on his homocopter and is listed as a  "Luxury Brand Consultant." I think that translates into "asshole." The best the other goofs can do is call him, "helicopter guy." Work on it, boys. Looks like you'll get your chance too; the producers won't let this guy go easy.

Once the party starts, not much happens as they race thru the evening. Very little of the usual drama; Stevie the loser takes a dislike to Kay-Lynn the Asshole but that's about it. Harrison finally remerges and brings the First Impression Rose in. Emily takes her time and drifts around before awarding it to Dug's son. Fast as a cat, Harrison drops the bottle of Cuervo and rounds them up for roses.

Roses:
First Impression Rose: Dug's son.
1) Bobble Head Chris
2) Ryan-Rhino, Arena League Hero.
3) Kay-Lynn-Boo!
4) Arie--Uh, yeah.
5) Charlie
6) One-F-Jef
7) Pretty Boy Nate
8) Sean-Yep
9) Joe-Score one for hyperactive dweebs
10) Kyle--Fill that suit!
11) Aaron
12) Alejandro--farmer of (ahem) something in Colombia
13) John Wolf--Expect my call
14) Alessandro--"Will you accept this rose?" "Yee haw! I mean, si!"
15) Michael
16) Stevie--ha ha! Take that Lerone.
17) Tony-no seriously, Lerone, take that!
Enter wingman
"Emily, gentlemen, its the final rose tonight. Since I'm single now, I'll be over here with my Android sexting with some hot chicks. When you're ready."
18) Ostich egg Travis.

Dumped:
Jonathan Winters. Grandpa. Jackson the male bimbo. Lerone the token. Jean Paul the Marine Biologist.

3/12: The Merciful End

The end at last. Thank god. I never thought it would get here. Those two speeding locomotives we all knew were coming finally crashed headlong last night, with predictable results. But I don't care. It just means I can limp into the off season and await Emily Maynard's turn as the Bachelorette premiering May 14th. That's not much of an off season to rest up after this marathon of disaster, but I'll take what I can get. I got the extreme pleasure of removing Ben from my masthead today, and that felt good--really good! Thanks again to DeeDreamer for supplying the artwork. Ok, we all know by now (or should) that nobody gives a rats ass about the first one hour and forty-five minutes of these finales--especially when disaster awaits instead of a love story. In keeping with pragmatic reason, the first part of this recap will be brief and in keeping with the seriousness of this seasons participants. Hang on, it's gonna' be quick.

Zermatt Switzerland

Both woman love Ben…blah, blah, blah. He loves both women…blah, blah, blah. Mom and sis are on hand to pass judgement on both girls and give Ben some much needed advice…blah, blah, blah. Lindzi goes first, and is nervous, but sis Julia, who has the biggest balls in the Flajnik household, likes her…blah, blah, blah. Magically, both mom and sis know what a colossal bitch Courtney is…blah, blah, blah. Courtney shows up and magically charms both Flajnik women and before she can get out the door sis is proclaiming Courtney "The One." Convenient. Ben, now fully licensed to pick the one he has wanted from the first night takes Lindzi skiing…blah, blah, blah. They ski, do a few commercials for Matterhorn Travel, inc. and make out. Last Chance: Lindzi finally succumbs to producer-pressure and strokes Ben's ego by telling him that she loves him. He deep tongues her. Courtney's date is next and they go for a helicopter ride to the Matterhorn. Last Chance: she busts his balls for not believeing her lies about how abysmally she treated the other women. He wanders off…blah, blah, blah. Goes ring shopping. Yes, it's time for Neil Lane and his Traveling Engagement Ring and Pizza Delivery Service to make a house call. Ben picks out the giant rock that Courtney ordered up in season previews and we're go.

Helicopters appear and both women dress like they're marrying into the House of Romanov, complete with gorgeous dresses and capes. Maybe Ben is from the House of Romanov. That would explain the Rasputin haircut. Anyway, they copter over to the Matterhorn where he awaits. Naturally, Lindzi emerges first and Ben performs one of his painfully awkward dumps. "I fell in love with you…I've fallen in love with someone else." Lindzi stares at him with a "You've got to be fucking kidding me," look on her face and doesn't speak until he parks her at the helopad for export. "If (when) it doesn't work out, call me."

Courtney arrives in all her Maleficient glory and Ben baits her by acting like he's gonna' dump her. No such luck, "You're my forever…providing forever means: until I take too much shit for picking such a bitch.'" Courtney sorta cries and he slips the ring she ordered onto her finger and they make out as paparazzi with telephoto lenses capture the entire thing and sell it to the tabloids before Christmas.

After the Final Rose (Thank God)

Harrison gleefully announces that Courtney is the "woman America loves to hate!" about five times and then appears mystified as to why people aren't rooting for the new couple. (Must be those nasty taboids?) Yawn. Harrison wastes little time and yanks Ben out onstage. The guy looks like he spent the last week sleeping under a bridge overpass and they found him 30 minutes before filming, put him in a nice suit and rushed him out on stage. Ben confirms that they have already broken up because of all the "negativity" but have some arrangement of some sort…at the moment. Harrison dispatches him back to his soundproof booth and brings Courtney out next. Her botox lip deflated since filming, Courtney comes out in a white dress I couldn't get around my leg and looks absolutely STUNNING! The crowd boos her and she gets to play the victim of abandonment because Ben cut her lose the second things got tough. I was left with a big question: Ben, is there anything else you'd like to try and do to make people think you're a bigger douchebag than they already do? Maybe release a few photos of yourself clubbing baby seals? How about goosestepping into a synagogue dressed in a Nazi uniform? You chose a woman who you KNEW was a bitch and then dumped her when people criticized you for picking a bitch? I think my title from week 2 stands: "Ben Loses His Balls!" and apparently still hasn't found them yet. Will you please ask your sister for a few pounds of hers. She can spare them, trust me.

Harrison now bids Courtney to rejoin them. They sit next to each other and Ben's body language looks like if he leans far enough away from her, he won't catch the Unpopularity Virus she is a carrier of. Fat chance, bud. Maybe she should lean away from you. Anyway, Harrison seeks clarity and under pressure, Ben insists they are still engaged. The Wingman produces the engagement ring and Ben slips is unenthusiastically back on Courtney's finger. The producers don't even bother giving them a trip anywhere--there's no point. These two are leaking oil worse than a '72 Ford Pinto. Step right up and place your bets, folks. What's the over/under on three months? 

Pirate conclusion: One ball-less wonder and one four-star bitch. Two douchetards who richly deserve one another. Season Over!

Oh yeah, J.P. and his skinhead and Ashley Sherbert Hebert were trundled out to show that not every season is an unmitigated disaster like this one has been. J.P. tries to start some Ashley pregnancy rumors and they insist they'll be married within a year. Them, I believe.

Word circles the net that Emily Maynard is mere days away from finding some temporary douchebag of her very own to keep for a few months before she dumps him and heads back to her Hendricks Sugar Palace.

Your Captain will be there. Argh!

3/5--The Women Audition for Bachelor Pad 3

Why don't they just move to a Jello wrestling competition? It'd be a lot more entertaining. As this dud of a season comes to a close, it's a statement about how lousy its been when what the Bachelor faithful can most look forward to is a sense of vengeance being reaped on a bitch at the normally ignorable Women Tell All episode and the final, head-on meeting of those two speeding locomotives I described two weeks ago at next week's After the Final Rose. Last nights sleazy blood letting set a new low in sadistic pleasure as the producers of this mess brought one of the final two out for the first time in show history so she could be damned, shamed, and harangued like an adulteress in old Salem. The only thing missing was Emperor Harrison, riding heard over the proceedings and signaling thumbs up or down for her fate or pinning a giant scarlet "B" (for bitch!) to her dress. Nero, where are you when we need you?

The Gaggle of Mean Geese Gather

It's been a cruddy season. So much so that the faithful of Bachelor Nation gathered in big numbers to watch Queen Courtney get ripped to shreds by her nearly-as-mean former housemates. But before we get to those delicious bread and circuses, Harrison comes stumbling out on stage looking sick from both cold meds and the worst looking tie I've ever seen the guy wear. Some black and silver thing that looked like the peeled-off label from a bottle of Dos Equus. He hams his way around the crowd, gleefully letting them that know that Courtney's bloodied corpse will soon be on stage with him. Then he introduces the executioners. Chiefs among the gaggle of meanies were Stool Pigeon Emily, Sweetie Pie Kacie B, and Nicki the Narrator; with heavy facetime going to the houses other resident bitch, Boom-Boom Blakely. Emily led the group of formerly serious Ben-contenders and Blakely led the group of serious Bachelor Pad 3 contenders. While the serious ones catalogued their "journey" in and out of Ben's life, Boom-Boom and her also rans fought, bitched, carped, and provided the blood for the arena. Chief among the catty was Samantha the Pageant Queen (remember her?); she yapped and snarfed way more than her importance on the show dictated. She bitched so much than fellow also ran, Granny Panty Brittney, finally compared her to a chihuihua and told her to shut up. America applauded but when the Granny Pantied One added in that she left because she had "zero attraction" to Stormhorse Flajnik, the country stood as one and screamed like she had just won the Super Bowl.The rest of the also rans and dress fillers joined in and spoke more than we heard them all season. All were uniformly nasty; sans Jenna the Insane Blogger, who outside of offering up a hug to Courtney and tampon to Bi-Monica, sat twitching like she was about to fly apart at the seams. (Tick Tick) Well there's one Bachelor Pad 3 slot we can assume is filled.

While the Wingman sorta tried to keep order, he also hauled on stage Shawntel Munster Newton to receive a wave of apologies from the Meanies for the abominable treatment she receievd from the when she tried to crash the party and take up with Ben. Emily, clearly allowed to lead with her brains and manners, wished Shawntel well and hoped she sold a pile of books about dead people or something. The proprieties observed, it was time for Harrison to fill the lukewarm seat and get moving for real.

One by one the semi-serious were brought onstage to fill the coveted center-of-attention seat by Harrison and explain their stories to the country. The Stool Pigeon went first and got all educated-sounding and wise while still keeping me interested by wearing a dress that barely held her undersized juggs captive. She hit the major point about the season's most controversial moment: when Ben got naked and banged Courtney in the ocean. She made it clear that her anger wasn't about skinny dipping, but about the fact that Ben decided to do this when he still had ten women back at the house he was dating. She also corectly slammed him for his "Tread lightly" comment, which produced gasps of semi-disbelief from the well-trained audience. Her popularity riding high, Emily surrendered the seat to both Kacie and Nicki, the latter still looking slighlty Ben-besotted and the former looking friggin' hot as usual. But we can skip that, it's time for BLOOD!

Blood Sport

Harrison, smiling like a sadist about to shoot some tethered sheep, called Queen Courtney out onstage. Courtney ambles out while the audience responds to the "applause" sign and the other women hit her with about 15 pairs of iced daggers known as glares. She sits with Harrison and lets the world know she is there to apologize. He fires the starter pistol and the women jump her like rabid pitbulls. One after another fires away at her for the individual insults she lashed almost all of them with all season. Courtney just cringes as it goes on and on. What a shame this was. If Harrison had just handed her a giant glass of merlot, the fireworks would have gone nuclear.

(Blakely): "Why did you call me a stripper and the type of woman who cheats with your boyfriend for?"
Because you look like a pole-dancing skank!
(Emily): "Why wouldn't you accept my apology?"
Because you're a double-barreled bitch and I hate your guts!
(Elyse): "Why would say that after spending all day with me that Ben's eyes probably hurt?"
Have you looked in a mirror recently?
(Nicki)" "Why do the tabloids say you nicknamed me 'fatty'?"
Because your thighs are so pudgy only Colonel Sanders could love you!

But alas, he doesn't. Courtney is sober and in full-contrition mode. Did she mean it? That's an eye-of-the-beholder question. I think it's a laughable one, but others will feel different. Courtney was upset she's caught so much hell for her behavior, but sincere? Ha. Ha. Uh no. Harrison feeling the audiences blood lust somewhat sated, calls a halt to the massacre. Courtney walks out and into a waiting limo.

Our Hero

With his fiance dispatched, Harrison brings Ben out onstage. Man this guy looked as comfortable as a bastard at a Father's Day cookout. He barely glanced over his shoulder at all the women he dumped and disrespected and they scarcely clapped for him at all. The questions start and he provides canned answers. The women, led by the three contenders, look sadly at him. All except the former mute Nurse Jamie, who tells him when he and Courtney break up, that she doesn't mind a boyfriend who bangs other women on national TV, so go on and give her a call. Ben smirks cockily and basically says, "Yeah, we'll do lunch." Nice try, Jamie. Nicki gets her last chance to show how deep in the Ben-Bubble she still is by telling him what a great man he is. Then she spends the balance of the evening holding hands with Kacie and as they watch video of all his antics with the air of two women watching a funeral procession.

Bloopers:

In a sad and telling indictment to the suckatude of this season, even the bloopers sucked. Mostly just Ben hamming it up and acting like a teenager. Yawn.

Folks, it's been that kind of season. Now I find Emily Maynard about as interesting as the stapler on my desk, but I'm ready for it anyway. How many more of these do we have?

Next week: Ben Finishes What he Started Night 1.

See ya.