A Week to Go--An Early Prediction

No comment required. Sometimes a picture is actually worth a thousand words.

10/13--Black Tuesday.

Mike Fleiss, Next Entertainment, and ABC Television has a message for YOU, the serious Bachelor Fan!

Well, that was lovely. After months of the loyal fans of the Bachelor wheedling, crying, pleading, and even begging Producer/Human shitburger, Mike Fleiss, to name any other XY chromosome creature on the planet as the next Bachelor besides Jake Pavelka; Fleiss has made his call and let his feelings about each of us be known: We Can all Go Straight to Hell! Needlessly waiting for two months to make a choice that could have been made even before Jillian Harris' Bachelorette had ended, Dr. FrankenFleiss went into his lab and reanimated the corpse of his newest FrankenBachelor: Jake "Chessemachine" Pavelka. Bozo the Clown would have been a better choice...and a damn sight more believable in the role. Fleiss even had the cajones to subtitle the coming monstrosity: "On the wings of love!" on the odd chance that anyone was dense enough to see this as anything but a joke.

More stunning than the single-digit IQ required to make such a choice, is the gall required to slap the most loyal of the fanbase right across the mouth, despite their pleas. In the last several weeks, I've seen every imaginable name in the Bachelor pantheon bruited about as a contender--from former hotties to third-rate also-ran's cut on the second episode three seasons ago--as alternatives to Jake Pavelka. In the closing hour before the announcement was made, the desperation and panic became so thick that people were actively calling for last seasons' villain of villains, Greaseball Wes Hayden, to be given the part instead. And yet he did it anyway. Even P.T. Barnum knew that you had to give the suckers what they wanted. How I'm supposed to blog about this and control my gag reflex is beyond me.

I will blog about the coming season for as long as I can. I'll make no promises beyond that. I will attempt to find humor in what is essentially an insult, and I'll do it for as long as I can possibly stand it, or until the horrifying acting of Pavelka burns my retinas out and I go blind. Fleiss has left me no choice on how to approach it either. He has chosen the one human being that I did not want to see, and put him in charge of his own insane clown posse of women. I now pledge to become the "Cheese Grater", and dedicate my energies to eviscerating Pavelka--cell by cell--every single week. Make no mistakes, that woman who outed The Cheeser to the press a few weeks back was clearly shooting off her mouth in hopes that she could escape the approaching train wreck. I hope for her sake that she succeeded, but I doubt it. Women already cast for the show are probably doing anything in their power to make their escapes now: becoming impregnated, catching VD, exposing themselves to Swine Flu, or having themselves committed to an insane asylum. What's a few weeks in Bellvue compared to this nationally televised humiliation?

Fleiss must loathe us. I'm gonna' loathe him right back. Lock up the kiddies, folks. This season, this blog will be rated "P" for piratical. Candy asses stay clear! The Jolly Roger is going up the main mast. Argh!

9/7--Poll Results--and they say a lot

YOU Have Spoken.
















Ok, Poll results are in. I asked you guys to vote not for who you wanted to see as the next Bachelor, but for who you THOUGHT would get the role. Now, I suspect there was a lot of wishful thinking going on in the voting and not as much truth, but hey, free country and all of that. The results, however, speak volumes about the preferences of the fandom's hardcore base. They are:

Out of 42 votes cast, fan favorite Reid Rosenthal picked up 27 votes, or 64%. Bloodless human statue, Kiptyn Locke, scored a minuscule 8 votes, or 19%, while Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka came in dead-assed last with only 7 votes, or 16%. Even more tellingly, this poll ran congruently with the first swirling rumors that the new Bachelor had been chosen and all signs pointed toward Pavelka. This should serve as a warning sign to the producers of just how strongly the fandom does not want this guy. The boards are filled with comments about his expected candidacy that run the gamut from the rarely believed vow "not to watch" to the more believable assertion that the show will be fodder only for it's comic potential of seeing the disingenuous Cheeser wandering around spouting off scripted hyperbole like he's the new wingman, and engaging in false dating with a herd of fameho's or the truly gullible. Fandom's bottom line (and its nearly universal) is that even the pretense of fairytale romance will be thrown out the window if Pavelka is announced at the next Bachelor.

Perhaps last weeks rumors were merely a trial balloon to see how the base would react to Pavelka? Well if they were, Fleiss and Co. got their answer with one giant Thud! My blog is tiny, with a small readership, but like any polling it makes the statistical sampling point quite nicely. Name Pavelka in the role and the producers can forget the base pestering their co-workers around the water cooler to watch the show and root for "X." Becoming invested in the 'journey' of any contestant? Fuggetaboutit! There aren't enough gullible human beings in the western hemispheres television market to believe this guy after seeing him in focus for a few weeks. Without any belief in the sincerity of the lead, ratings will collapse like like a house made of jelly. And the post show interviews? Every TV producer in the land who assigns this story to his on-air talent will have in their tremulous mitts the clip from last season of Pavelka collapsing over that hotel balcony railing and bawling. Just imagine that clip in the hands of Jimmy Kimmel; comic relief gives way to farce, and farce is the one thing this show can never openly declare. The threat that someone might actually fall in love is the foundation of the show--the drama and BS are just the garnish. Fandom doesn't have a long memory, but they remember the last Bachelor who was so desperate to get the role that he went along with whatever he was told: Jason Mesnick.

Mesnick was up against Jeremy Anderson for the role. Anderson was a lawyer with leading man good looks while Mesnick looked like what he was: a Jewish insurance salesman with an ok bod, ok looks, and trending toward baldness. By just about any barometer, Anderson should have gotten the job. But Mesnick had a huge fanbase among the masses and the fandom, and that along with Mesnicks' malleability to producer wishes won out. The fandom learned it's lesson. The ending Mesnick and the producers orchestrated remains the biggest trainwreck in this show' s history and Mesnick remains about as popular as the Ebola virus with fans. Despite the big ratings the finale scored, I can't imagine any thinking human being wanting to see a replay of the Mesnick/Rycroft/Mallaney ending. There remains a real chance that Mallaney and Mesnick might actually marry--and for the first time in show history virtually no one will care. They just want them to go away.

The results of my little poll on my little blog are clear: The Fandom Does Not Want Jake Pavelka--they will settle for Kiptyn Locke--and they REALLY want Reid Rosenthal, despite my personal misgivings. I'm at the point of actually daring the producers to go ahead and hire the Cheeser. It will make feminist groups happy to get rid of this show once and for all, and I can reclaim my life and stop blogging. Any Fleiss-minions wandering around here should get the message: Pay Rosenethal what he wants and enjoy a banner season. Hire Pavelka only if you're tired of getting checks from ABC. Personally, I plan to eviscerate the guy on a weekly basis. Snark-blogging about Pavelka will definitely channel my inner-barbarian, and it will be about as difficult as killing goldfish in a rain barrel using hand grenades. When the ratings fell because of your sloppiness last time, Fleiss, ABC stuck with you. I wouldn't count on getting a third chance. Fair warning.

ABC Trashes Its Own Show

"Ich Bin Ein Pimp Master!"






In the newest Olympic sport--Insanity!--ABC has decided to come out of the gate smokin'! No, no Tail-End Charlies are these guys. After 18 seasons of claiming to be the lost fairytale romance from days of yore, the pressure must have finally gotten to them and they decided it was time to parody themselves and just admit they are nothing more than a cartoon. In the newly updated site for Bachelor 14 from ABC, the network has written a show description that would have P.J. O'Rourke green with satirical envy. Either some intern has slipped one past the powers that be, or Fleiss and his gang have been on a 48 hour glue-sniffing bender. What I am about to post is NOT something I wrote to be funny. It's from the actual network website. Enjoy!

When it comes to falling in love, The Bachelor has the formula down: Add a parade of 25 (often-times bikini-clad) babes, a hot tub, tear-riddled elimination rounds, verbal cat fights, multiple make-out sessions and a mansion.

When it comes to staying in love... well...

*crickets*

The Bachelor takes us on an all-access journey with one man looking for his ultimate sweetheart.

Whether you're envious, excited or completely revolted by the scenario, we know you can't help but spy on our leading man as he plays tonsil hockey with his many lady loves. Arguably the luckiest guy on the planet–for just one television season–our bachelor finds himself TOTALLY exempt from the cheating rule. In this world, nobody hates the player.

The bachelor is the object of 25 girls' affection. And these women aren't those trashy bar flies you see on other reality dating shows–these ladies are classy (yes, with a "c"!) and they are looking to get hitched. Have no doubts over their determination–these women will do anything to make an impression. ANYTHING. You get to see how lady contestants play the game not only in front of the bachelor, but also what side they show the other girls. (Two-face much, ladies?) And we know you love it when the claws come out. Oh, and they do!

Will these bachelorettes' efforts go unnoticed? You'll find out because you get to play spy during all of the one-on-one dates. These rendezvous can involve anything from couples massage and bubble baths to helicopter rides and bungee jumping.

At the end of each episode, the bachelor reflects on all of his darlings to determine who will go home in the rose ceremony elimination. And we know his choices are always the subject of heated living room debate. As the season progresses, you are taken along on the bachelorettes' hometown visits where our playboy extraordinaire switches gears to meet the family. You'd think the prospect of in-laws would kill the buzz for our said mack daddy. But quite the opposite inevitably occurs as the bachelor falls further down the relationship rabbit hole.

Who will steam up the hot tub with the bachelor this season? From which exotic location will he propose to his "true love"? Sit back and enjoy as host, Chris Harrison, A/K/A "The Pimp Master," guides us each week as the bachelor narrows down the field of his female pickings to the final ONE!

That's right, folks. According to ABC, the new Bachelor will play "tonsil-hockey" with a bunch of lying, two-faced women who will do ANYTHING to make an impression; presumably even, throw themselves off a building or leap into a set bear trap. Look, folks, your ol' pirate here is no sanctimonious preacher, but drugs damage the brain--Just Say Maybe. Anyway, I can't wait to see Harrison in his new Bachelor Host Uniform--a shaggy fur coat topped with a purple Fedora. Bet his momma down in Texas is proud.I've always suspected Mike Fleiss was a complete lunatic, and now I know he is. Honesty can be refreshing and I suppose confession is good for the soul and all, but this was like watching a celebrity sex tape--entertaining, but perhaps we staggered into the realm of Too Much Information?

And I thought I was crazy.

In case you think I'm making this up? See it before they remove it...or don't.

http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/about-the-show

While We Wait--The Big Three

The Three Suckers...er, Finalists

Jake (Cheesemachine) Pavelka

Kiptyn (Krypton) Locke
Reid (The Seed!) Rosenthal

Yep, there they is...in all their glory: the next three suckers all volunteering to have their characters, reputations, and sanity's leveled lower than mowed grass by Producer/ Human Sphincter, Mike Fleiss, and his relentless televised circus, The Bachelor. On a side note, several folks have emailed and asked why I haven't joined in on the pile-on against Jillian Harris and her fiance Drop Dead Edward Swiderski from the recently completed Bachelorette 5. That's an easy one: show's over. Whatever relationship they have or don't have isn't any of my damn business. If they make it through this shit storm that Romeo Ritchie and that weapon he has semi-hidden in his Jolly Green Shorts have caused, well, you can mark these two down for the marriage mart. The fallout for those two has been nothing short of seismic and any shaking me and my little blog could add to the earthquake they're living through wouldn't amount to more than a fart in a hurricane--so I'll let them be and just see if they make it or not. Besides, Satan Fleiss has three more volunteers lining up for his reputation-firing squad and that means fresh prey for your old pirate.

Bachelor 14

...The thunder rolls and the lightning strikes...

You couldn't kill this damn show with Atrazine...or hemlock. No, I'm afraid the various feminist groups and people with taste who cringe at the very mention of this franchise are going to have to resort to nuclear weapons if they want to get rid of it. However, classless, tasteless rednecks like myself can hardly wait for the next cheesefest to get rolling and we haven't long to wait either. Weak Wingman and overpaid emcee of trash, Chris Harrison, has been tweeting his cold, blackened heart out to let us all know that the next round of schlock will be premiering in early January. Naturally this means that filming must soon be underway and that means a new Bachelor Douchebag-Supreme must soon be anointed to take the reins and start warming his lips up. For those of you who were hoping to see someone new on the show, well, let's just say you're shit out of luck. Various interviews with two of the three men as well as Beelzebub Fleiss have confirmed it's a three douche race...and you know them all. How convenient.


Man of Marble

The one guy everyone could pretty much agree after the last Bachelorette that was good looking, classy, sensible, and sane was Kiptyn Locke. He was obviously edited to look tremendous. The problem with his edit was that he was edited to the point of looking nearly unreal. Of all the main contenders, he probably generated the least passionate fan base and that's the shows fault. You can edit someone to appear so flawlessly that they start to resemble a statue instead of a man. Kiptyn came across like a marble chisel-job, not a living breathing human being with flaws and quirks. None of this was helped by the fact that Kiptyn was classy, reserved, and determined not to make a fool of himself. Regardless, if I had my druthers he'd be the next Bachelor.
Reasons the Producers would want him: Good looks, six-pack abs, a level head, possessed of considerable class. Runs a charity.

Reasons they might not: A squishy fan base. One also gets the impression he would hard to bully into doing things he didn't approve of. He didn't seem ready to propose to Jillian until the last second and never slobbered all over her. They want a proposal, or at least a trainwreck at the end of every season. Once they announce him, they're stuck. He becomes the one with the power and the last thing they want is a Bachelor who won't play along with the next nefarious scheme they dream up. His profession was never clearly defined on the Jillian season but he clearly comes from a wealthy clan. In other words: he doesn't really need this, and would probably to object to some of the producer's more outrageous script ideas.

Man of Quirks

The biggest, most-rabid fanbase I have ever seen in the fandom of this show is owned by one Reid "Honeybear" Rosenthal. He built this fanbase despite being rendered virtually mute the first month of last season on nothing more than his dorky glasses and a ready smile. But once he allowed the producers to con him into appearing at the FRC as needless cannon fodder, he shot into the stratosphere. He also got a more real edit than Kiptyn. His quirks, phobias and weaknesses made him appear human, and to many, positively adorable. Add to that the sympathy he garnered for getting tricked and mega-dumped at the FRC and you got one popular dude. He's my number 2 pick mostly because of the depth of hurt and bitterness he demonstrated at the After the Final Rose show. He was obviously VERY hurt by his double dismissal and I think it's way too soon for him to be dating. Nevertheless, the Real Estate market is about as soft as microwaved Velveeta everywhere in the country and it's hard to imagine he's moving too many properties for Rosenthal Inc. in Philadelphia these days. It's also a good bet that if he's the producer's choice that they're waving a fistful of cash under his nose.

Reasons they want him: Good looks, a quirky sense of humor, and a wild-eyed maniacal fan base.

Reasons they might not: Seems like a tough, experienced business guy who wouldn't mind making demands. Part of his edit was the whole 'indecisive" bit that makes a proposal no guarantee. Quirks and neuroses are cute with a second banana, but with the lead? Can they afford to have him look like a nerd?


Man of Cheese

In mass online polls at places like TV Guide, Jake Pavelka always wins when fans are asked who should be the next Bachelor? At places for the 10,000 or so members of fandoms hardcore base, however, Pavelka is usually dead last. His over the top antics last season may have caused casual viewers to swoon over his good guy heroism, but the more refined (and cynical) veterans of this show can spot a fake pretty easily, and they do not want Pavelka in the role. He was edited as the extremely honest, selfless, earnest super-dude who even returned after being dismissed not to recapture Jillian and mend his broken heart, but to protect her from that human lice- blanket, Greaseball Wes Hayden. Veteran viewers recognized the set up pretty easily while the uninitiated masses missed it. Last minute phone calls to non-existent foot fetishists and damning confrontations (that turned out to be untrue) against Hayden were quickly recognized among the faithful as the silly flim flams they were. And no one will be able to forget his showstopper that had news anchors all over North America rolling in the aisles when they tried to interview Jillian: his ridiculous balcony railing flop (complete with fake tears) when she failed to heed his warnings about that heartbreaker, the Greaseball. Taken as a whole, few contestants on this show have ever looked more plastic and disingenuous than Pavelka, and the hardcore fandom know it. But he remains a major contender for a lot of reasons.

Reasons they want him: Great body, great looks, a 'sexy' profession (airline pilot), and the willingness to do and say absolutely anything the producers want. He also appeals to the masses with his aw schucksness act because they seem to have forgotten they are watching a TV show. Proposal? It's in the bag. This guy would propose on the first night to one of the limo drivers if the producers told him to. He would also probably do the show for free. The ultimate "Producer's Dream."

Reasons they don't: The hardcore of the fandom ain't buying it. The 10,000 or so lunatics on the internet (like me) are the ones who actually create the buzz about each season, and they don't want this guy. Producer Dream is only a dream to a producer; not a fan. This show is about ratings and some plastic actor doesn't fill seats in front of tv's. This guy should definitely be "Plan C", or should be encased in glass with a sign that says: "Break only in the case of an emergency!" Last season the producers had to go with Plan C, but were lucky it turned out to be a fairly likable Canadian girl. They won't be that lucky again.

Ok, there's my take. Now we wait for the announcement.

7/27--Finale: The Triumph of the Living Dead

What an odd season this was. You would think that the demonic producers would have been in hog heaven; they got the ending they supposedly wanted: an engagement. But noooooooo. They couldn't leave well enough alone. A simple Final Rose Ceremony ending in pronouncements of love and an engagement just wasn't enough for them. They just had to mess with it to create some false drama for the masses. The needless (and pointless) return of the already dumped Reid the Seed, was arranged for our additional viewing pleasure and gave Reid's internet worshipers (The Seedlings) a chance to gnash their teeth and denounce Jillian--a woman they were proclaiming not ten days ago as 'perfect' for their man--as "stupid, classless, trailer-trash" and worse. But such is the chance you take when you sign up for this voluntary crucifixion. Of course, none of this has been helped by the constant drumbeat of 'rumors' about her new fiance, Drop Dead Ed, as a merciless, heartless, user of gullible and innocent women. Haha. Ok. Fans will now waste as much of their lives as they choose arguing over just how much was scripted, acted, or real. Whatever. It doesn't matter now anyway. Show's over and considering the level of anger and joy out there, plenty of people got sufficiently invested in what we were shown to actually give a damn about these people. For Satan Fleiss and his production staff, it's a big Mission Accomplished. The Bachelorette was ABC's second highest rated program of the entire summer just behind Wipeout! and well ahead in the critical 18-49 female demographic. Jill, Ed, Reid, and the fans will just have to get over it. Satan rules the earth in ABC's eyes, and most of you whining, bitching, complainers will be back in front of your TV's next season to see someone else's 'journey' to perdition. We're like crack addicts folks. Wear it proudly.

The Last Chance Date Template

Do I really need to recap this? No. First of all, no one cares about the first hour and a half of these things and unless you've never watched the show before, you know what's going to happen. I will instead produce a brief template of what every one of the Finales look like:

1) Bachelor(ette) meets one of two remaining douches (douchettes) and slobbers over them before taking them to meet his/her family. Ed goes first and wears coconut tits, Kip goes 2nd and doesn't.

2) Family meets and questions said douche (ette) about all manner of crap. Both dudes made adequate utterances of love and seemed sincere. Ed asks dad for permission to marry Jillian; Kip doesn't.

3) Bachelor (ette) meets with family to help decide which person he/she will share a brief engagement with. Family turns out to be no help whatsoever and leaves Bachelor(ette) "More confused than ever". Check.

4) Bachelor(ette) takes both chosen ones to exotic date locales in some tropical paradise where said douches all pronounce undying love and willingness to get engaged. Ed gets a copter ride to a volcano and Kip gets a dinghy ride to a surfboard paddle. Both kiss Jillian incessantly. Kip shows his abs and Ed breaks out the green tighties again to show he means bidness!

5) Bachelor(ette) goes back to each douches bedroom for last second pleas for their love. Kip makes out with her and sounds nearly convinced he needs to marry her. Ed smooches her bunches and makes it clear he wants to nail her, and the Fleiss-Rat provides a hilarious visual of an erupting volcano in lieu of actual porn. Viewers are force-fed the idea that the Chicago Don Juan went off like Vesuvius (amazing Jillian survived the encounter with Ed's Fearsome Firehose of Love) dates over.

6) Ring Shopping. The sacrificial douches, both Bachelor-guys and and Suitor-Ettes, are required to participate in a product placement ad for a ring company, whether they mean to propose or not. Both dudes choose multi-carat diamond rings that will look ridiculous on Jillian's tiny hand for the brief time she will be wearing it.

7) The morning of. Bachelor(ette) awakes refreshed and suddenly clear-minded of who they will spend the rest of the show's required media interviews with despite being 'in-love' with the two remaining clods. Check.

The Demise of (the few) Kryptonians.
Kiptyn from Krypton, gets up, showers (flashes his abs one last time) and says he's ready for what awaits him. Kip's an odd duck and has been all season. He's the one guy everyone seems to agree is nice, good-looking, and possessed of common sense. But he certainly hasn't inspired much passion. I think there are a couple of reasons for this. First, he's seemed a little too aware he's actually filming a dumb TV show. If he ever got drunk or cut a fart or whatever, we were never shown it. He also seemed determined not to embarrass himself or his uppity Malibu family by slobbering ridiculously over Jillian. Second, I assume he was was given the squeaky clean Bachelor-of-the Future edit. The problem with that is that he came across like he was made out of marble. Guys like that are fun for the ladies to look out, but they seem somehow unreal and indifferent. Most people just never bought into him as anything more than an attractive hood ornament. But you gotta give him his props--he never made an ass of himself either and will be the only person coming out of this experience with his rep intact. I'll also give him some props for the dignified way in which he handled himself and his dumpage at the ceremony too. Jill was already waiting for him on some platform in the middle of the swimming pool when he got out of the limo, and unlike other Bachelors, Kip went to her and started a probing preamble of his feelings for her before he fell prostrate onto a knee before the Bachelorette Goddess. Fortunately, Jill is no DeYawna, and she didn't try to bait him into going down onto a knee. Her face is about as difficult to see through as a piece of cellophane and by his third sentence even Stevie Wonder could see what was about to happen. He ended abruptly and let her speak. She let him down as nicely and easily as you could and he drives away and maintains his dignity. Maybe too much dignity. He tried to work up some emotion for the camera but the only one I saw was a sense of relief that this nightmare was over. His fans shouldn't fret. I'm sure he got free of the bubble, went back to his hotel, did fifty ab-crunchers, and had a beer.

Producer Interlude--The Seed at Waterloo--Part Deux

Just as most of the naive home audience was expecting to see Ed pull up to complete the fairytale, up pulls a red minivan and out pops Reid the Seed, dressed like he's been shopping at a thrift store for the homeless. Reid tells us in private interviews and voiceovers that he had "to pull a lot of strings to get back here. I flew home to Philly but just knew I needed to come back and tell her I love her." Really? You had to fly all the way back from Pennsylvania, eh? The producer's didn't just stash you in a nearby hotel for a few days and work on you? Nevermind. Anyway, Reid's back and just who was pulling what and whose strings is more than debatable. But the wingman greets him and tells him he hasn't much time. Reid smooths his mismatching suit coat and slacks, runs a hand past his unshaven face and through his bed hair, and marches out to the gangplank. Jill smiles at his appearance but seems confused as he joins her on the plinth. I've been wondering all season just how good an actress Jill is, and now I know: she isn't. She clearly didn't know he was coming. Meryl Streep isn't that good. They talk and Reid, acting like the producers put LSD on his cornflakes, seems convinced that if he just tells her that he loves her, that she'll dump everyone else and pick him. The stale breath of Satan's sirens still ringing in his ears, he confesses his love and Jillian looks like she needs a ventilator. The only adjectives to describe Jillian's face next are shock and horror as Reid plummets to a knee and hits her with a quickie marriage proposal. Much to her credit, Jillian splutters in shock and reaches over and hauls him up as quick as she can. Stunned, she tells him she needs to think and wanders back into the house while he waits for her on the plinth.

Enter Wingmanus Repairus

Jill collapses on a Bahama couch in the bungalow and in slithers the wingman. Now, the next conversation may have lasted three full hours, but what we were shown, lasted all of thirty seconds:
Jill: "How am I supposed to make a decision like this?"
WM: "When you woke up this morning did you want Ed to propose to you?"
Jill: (Smile breaking out) "Yes."
WM: "Then you know what you have to do."
Jill beams

(See ya, Reid)

She walks back out to where he awaits her and once again, dumps him as kindly as possible. They hug for what seems like forever and she walks him back to his special, alcoholics-only taxi--complete with it's own booze bar. He stops her at one point and says: "But...I don't get it!" Yeah, I bet you don't. The serpent-like words of the producers still ringing in his ears: "Go on, Reid! All ya gotta do is tell her you love her! It's YOU she wants; she told us!"(Why Reid's fans are mad at Jill and not the producers is a mystery to me.) She deposits him in the taxi and he opens that bottle as they drive him away. I went to ABC's website and watched the "Diary of the Departed" and they obviously gave Reid the grand tour of the Big Island. By the time the sun was setting outside the cab, Reid was soused and feeling vengeful" "She made a major mistake! I mean a HUGE MISTAKE! Ed? Fuck Ed!" Argh! You tell em Reid! You just got trashed on national TV. You got every right to be pissed. Reid Rosenthal, you gullible bastard, you've just made a Pirate-fan! I wish more of these guys would get angry and the first one of them to direct it at the production staff who just screwed them wins my special Pirate Award. I wish one of these guys would take about five steps with the Bachelorette toward the limo and then sprint over to the wingman and punch Harrison right on the mouth. I'd download that video from youtube and watch it every single day for the rest of my natural life.

Jillian wanders back out to plinth and sighs: "Ed better not fuckin' let me down!" Haha. Some people are trying to say that her dropping the f-bomb at the ceremony is evidence of her trashiness. Well, these people need to yank the broomstick outta their asses, as far as I'm concerned. That was about the most honest utterance Ive ever heard at one of these things.

The Army of the Dead

Drop Dead Ed shows up in his limo in triumph and his dwindling Dead Army cheers. The wingman greets him and Ed heads inside to Jill, his head up and hands thrust into his pants pockets. He actually walks with a bit of a swagger and shows some confidence. (Did she let him know it was him? Likely, I think). But Ed also has a plan and like Kiptyn, won't go down until she gives him clearance to fire. He starts his preamble: "I love you. I want to spend forever with you...but...before we go any further I need to hear what you feel about me?" ARGGHHHHH! Damn straight! No man in his right mind would drop to a knee and ask that question unless he was 100% sure of her answer. Jillian caves in like a coal mining tunnel dug in beach sand: "I love you madly!" They kiss and she leaps up onto him and wraps her legs around his waist, "I've been dying to tell you forever!" He puts her down and slips down to a knee. Before he can get the ring box out she's letting out that dolphin-squeal of hers and thrusts her left hand under his nose. (Way to make him sweat Jill) He pops the question and she screams: "Absolutely!" The last thing we see on the broadcast is Ed putting her up on his back for a piggyback ride and running down the gangplank with her.

My sister-in-law turned to me and said: "But I don't see her and Ed making it." I informed her that since the relationship record on this show now stands at a ghastly1 for 17, that prediction isn't going to win her the Nostradamus Award for clairvoyance. But for those people who say: "Finding love on this show is impossible!" Well, once, long ago, a woman who wanted to go to Hollywood and be a star became the Bachelorette. She picked a soft spoken fireman from Vail, Colorado. Shockingly, she moved out there with him and a year later they were married. That was two kids ago, so impossible, is a proven misnomer. Miracles happen--they're rare--which is why they are thought of as miracles--but wouldn't it be funny if the third string gal from Canada broke the drought? Then again, they may be done already. Ya just never know.

Ok, tomorrow, a brief recap of ATFR. See ya then.

7/20--Planet of the Apes

Anyone doubting the foresight of Charles Darwin should have had their doubts laid to rest last night, and anyone who seriously questions the venality and sadism of this shows producers would need their heads examined after witnessing that beat down of defenseless country-fried loser, Greaseball Wes. The crooner with no brain was left with no character intact after incurring producer wrath by not attending his own specially arranged second funeral last night. Leading the beating of the mentally challenged was show host, Chris "Wingman" Harrison; wielding his voice like a scythe, the wingman sighed, preened, and dripped sarcasm from his fangs like a deadly serpent; and helped along by the willing class of well-trained apes, they exhumed Wes' dessicated carcass, burned it, and buried it in a shallow grave. What an idiot Wes is. He wouldn't have been allowed to say much in his own defense that made it to air, true enough, but at least he could have done some rehab. Instead, he abstained, pissed off the powers that be, and refused to even appear in his own defense. Whoever is advising Wes needs to be fired, pronto! That was like try to surrender to a gaggle of club-wielding gorillas. You might as well throw your hands up and go down fighting. Without Wes to pick on in person, Harrison was reduced to picking fights between the show apes and letting them duke it out over "The Man Code", and desperately trying to launch the future Bachelor career of Jake, The cheesmachine, Pavelka. Nausea grips me as I type that, but the stars are aligning that way, I'm less than delighted to report.


Jill's Private Interview

This served a few purposes: first of all, it got to introduce a little foreshadowing of next weeks finale and the return of fan-favorite, Reid the Seed.

Jill: "I was ready to let everyone go; but I wasn't ready to let Reid go."
Wingman: "Reid couldn't be with us tonight, he had a prior engagement. (Wink, wink)

It also set the tone for the fights the wingman was going to pick, but it's most important contribution, was to introduce the outtakes for the year. These were funny, at least to me. But I'm a guy. And I'm beginning to think Jillian is too. Fart jokes abounded, including Jill pulling the wingman's finger. We got to see that Reid dances the Hula about as well as Jill, which is to say Badly! But to this old pirates eyes, we may have inadvertently witnessed the end. What do I mean by that? Hmm. Well, we got to see Drop Dead Ed plastered like one of the great statues of Europe and Jill's reaction to that stunning level of his inebriation. After seeing Ed barely able to speak, picking her up in his arms in a hotel hallway while she squealed, "Ed! Short dress Ed!" and then watch him morph into Ed, The Dancing Bear, I'm of the opinion that if Jill ever saw Ed passed out face down in a galleon of his own vomit she'd think it was 'cute'. I guess if I was a decent writer, I'd save my finale predictions for the last paragraph, so you'd read to the end, but I'm not. There comes a time when all men act like total fools, and only a woman who loves you, still accepts you anyway. Someones got a bad case of Ed, and that someone's name is Jillian. If these two are together more than a few weeks, I'm looking forward to the youtube videos of Jillian passing out laughing while a drunken Ed lights his own farts--she might even pull his finger for him. Back to the important stuff. We get to see Jill taking dating advice from a Harlem Globetrotter. 'Absurd' is obviously not a word in Mike Fleiss' language. And an unseen visit on Kip's hometown date leads us to his charity HQ. Kip, as he has all season, comes off smelling like a rose. Mr. Perfect marches on. And one of his female coworkers sure looked in love with him too.

Jason and Molly return!

Fascinating.


deus ex (Cheese) machina

The wingman's 60 minutes portion of the show opens with a gang-up on Jake, the cheesemachine. Tanner F.--a guy who was dismissed early, and I could never figure out why--becomes a virtual Master of Ceremonies, and leads several assaults against his namesake, Toejam Tanner, for ruining his name as a foot freak--and then rags the Cheesemachine for pulling "a Mesnick" and collapsing over the balcony and bawling. Hey! Has Tanner F. been reading my blog? Make up your own damn lines, Tanner. Caveman Dave, now sporting a beard to make him look even more like a neanderthal than before, joins in the gang rape. Sasha the incredibly boring, launches the last blow by telling Jake how plastic and fake he is and always referring to himself as "Too perfect". Jake, unable to deny a word of it, tells Sasha to "Fuck off!" The nearly all-female audience cheers and lowers my faith in the fairer of the species. Later, Cheeser slithers into the Lukewarm Seat, watches some clips of his horrible acting, and takes the magic question from a producer-plant in the audience: "How would you feel about being the next Bachelor?" The gullible (or well-paid) audience cheers and the Cheeser hems and haws in his aw shucksness way before concluding that it: "Would be an honor." Ha ha, ok.

The Silverback Gorilla Steps Forward

Next up for some wingman desecration, is Caveman Dave. My thoughts on Dave aren't going to be terribly PC. I've said in past columns he's a guy with a drinking problem, and there's little doubt his I.Q. isn't much higher than a grapefruits, but a few things do come through in his defense. Dave was dumb enough (and drunk enough) to think dating on a reality show is supposed to be like dating in real life. The audience, and his man code buddies, all jumped on him when the scenes of him drunkenly pawing Jill were shown. Fair enough. He was, and is, an ape. However, he tried to defend himself with logic that had more than ring of truth to it. Had he been dating Jill in the real world for a month, and told her she had a great ass, the heavens wouldn't have tumbled downward. The women in the audience all acted shocked--shocked! I tell you, that a guy dating them would have the crassness to tell them they had a great ass and that was grounds for an instant break-up. The truth, we all know, is that if you don't tell your girlfriend that she has a great ass, that that is grounds for an instant break-up. Dave's just too stupid to know the difference. Anyway, they all jump on him and he apologizes. Ya can't fix stupid, buddy. Oh, and please see a doctor about that single-eye-slow-blink thing you got going on--it's creepy. and you don't need any extra help there.

Jill Comes Out

Nothing new to report: Dave apologizes, Jake churns some more butter, Liberace Juan gets his beard-on by slobbering over her feet, and Breakdance Michael keeps up the good edit (just in case plan C is put into operation) and she recaps the season. They're all nice to her because she is. There is no mention of 'engagement' or that she is actually with someone, only the 'happy' comment again. Make of that what you will.

In between everything I've wrote is the constant drumbeat of Wes is a loser. I didn't feel the need to recap it. The guy is toast and his managers better get their heads out of their asses. He's in the perception business, and right now, he'd rank just below Hitler with Israelis who watch this crap. He and his handlers passed up a chance to try and redeem himself before the audience he was ruined in front of--millions of them. Instead he ran to Reality Steve and whined about the edit to a few thousand geeks like me, some of whom actually understand how this show slices and dices people's words to crucify them. Big deal. The truth doesn't matter, Wes; perception is the truth in your business and you've got a long way to crawl out of the hole you're in. Toejam even commented in an interview after the taping that he and Wes went out in Dallas and women were coming up to the Greaser and telling him he was douche bag to his face. Try selling them one of your CD's, Wes.

Previews

Ok, this is actually what most of us watched for anyway, isn't it? Well, Kiptyn from Krypton still looks perfect I'm happy to report. (Kryptonians Rejoice!) The most negative thing we've seen about this guy is that he doesn't have great balance on a rope bridge. Horrors! Refused to Stay Dead Ed, I'm happy (or cringing) to report, is going to wear those green shorts again. They both get to meet Jill's parents and there's lots of crying and whining at the Final Rose Ceremony...and lastly, Reid the Seed is shown in the last two seconds pondering over some kind of ring. (Seedlings Rejoice!)

So, nothing more to do but wait for the end (and the leaks from the filing of ATFR) to tell us who the winner is and what kind of dating arrangement has been worked out(if any). I will say this however, no matter what happens at the end, Jillian has been my favorite Bachelorette. She may go on to mini-fame doing commercials and whoever she picked and her may not last till the end of the ATFR, but I don't care. Unlike other bloggers I could mention, I like her. Pirate kisses to you, Jilly, and good luck.

Next week: The Final Five Minute Twist! See ya then!